The gold that dare not speak its name -

The gold that dare not speak its name

Sure, we won a gold medal. OBVIOUSLY.


Listen, the Olympics have been great and everything, and our athletes have a lot to be proud of and all that. And yes, as CTV keeps pointing out, our country has scored its highest-ever number of bronze medals – which has to be the most Canadian brag of all time: Yay! We’re the most number threeiest that we’ve ever been!

But let’s not sugarcoat it: We may lead the world in moxie and gumption but we fell short in the medals that matter most. It’s going to be a tough few weeks for our people at the United Nations.

An ambassador sits down next to a Canadian diplomat.

– Hey, how did you guys do at the Olympics?

Oh, good. Pretty good.

– Lots of golds?

Yeah, lots of medals.

– You got at least one gold, right?

Sure. Yes. Obviously. Of course we got a gold!

– What was it in?

[covers mouth] Tmmmplnn.

– Sorry, I didn’t catch that.

[pretends to choke to death on a saltine] Trrrrrraaahhhhhhhhkkkkkakakaka–

– Pardon me?

[quietly] Trampoline. Our gold was in trampoline.

– Yeah, I’m going to go sit over there with the guy from Belarus.

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The gold that dare not speak its name

  1. I remember in 2010 how we were number one in the world for the first time ever. Now we sit twelveth in the summer games. Except these are two different counting systems – we had the most gold in 2010, but in overall medals we were a mere third. Now we are twelveth in overall medals, but all the way back in thirty-third if you count by golds.

    In other words, the Canadian Olympic Committee is counting as if we were competing for F35s.

    • The winter olympics are kind of an after thought as well and really only exist for the benefits of rich countries and rich people. There are fewer events, fewer competitors and fewer countries; and when I say fewer I mean a LOT fewer.
      Hack out the number of opponents, increase the requirement for advanced technology and make the events location specific and it is little wonder Canada did well as the home team in a very select sporting event.
      Widen the number of possible opponents, make it a simple event requiring basic equipment and include events that can be done on a piece of earth anywhere on the planet, and the story changes.
      Contrast the Kenyan long and intermediate distance running team final standings with their ice dance results and you probably will understand the disparity a little better.
      It goes someway to explain why an American team is always winning the superbowl; they’re the only ones in the competition at the beginning.

      • The winter olympics are kind of an after thought as well and really only exist for the benefits of rich countries and rich people.”

        You could say the same of ALL Summer Olympic sports with the exception of athletics, boxing, wrestling, judo, taekwando, shooting, men’s soccer

        • sounds a bit like the – What have the Romans ever done for us – argument from the Life of Brian
          Well except for all the activities under athletics, all the pugilistic sports, all the martial sports, all team sports played with a ball or a stick and a ball every other sport is a rich nations sport.

  2. How many Pulitzers or Gillers you won Feschukie? You show disrespect to our athletes with your snide attempt at humour. All you’ve done with your life is try to tie it to Paul Martins future…..that didn’t work out too well now did it.

    • You sound like a fun guy.

      • Cut him some slack – he’s been practicing his pogo stick skills for years as he awaits its inclusion in the Games, so your humour cut a bit close to home. Gotta run now – three more hours of yo-yo training to go today for this future Olympian.

      • Article authors usually only respond when comments cut. Doesn’t feel very nice does it Feschuk? Do something useful with your life other than cut others up with snide comments.

        • Okay. * opens antique shop *

          • LOL!

  3. ‘Own the podium’ didn’t work out that well, hmmm?

    • But hey, it only cost 50x as much as the yearly cost of the gun registry.

  4. I remember as a young lad jumping up and down on my parents bed and dreaming that one day perhaps I could win an Olympic Gold medal in bed bouncing. Oh well …

  5. Belarus? The only country to have a gold medal stripped from them due to doping? Your fictional ambassador made a poor choice…

  6. To put some perspective on our medal count in 2010 vs 2012 – our athletes had 5 years of Own the Podium sponsorship prior to the Winter games in Vancouver. Our athletes in the summer games had but 3. Anyone wonder how we might have done had the latter the full 5?

  7. Quite shocking that you choose to belittle the one athlete that actually was the top of her field and was able to perform when it counted! I agree we need to stop the ‘happy to be there’ nation but for the one single canadian who finished the job, she certainly doesnt deserve this indignation.

    • Hear Hear!!!

    • Agreed, this is a stupid article! This guy gets paid for this?

  8. Rosannagh Maclennon. Get used to the name. She rules,the rest drools. Rosannagh won the gold,be proud of her. She got the job done.

  9. Huh… I didn’t know we let Americans report on our news.

    Also, I resent the fact that you made it out to be a negative thing to be positive. How the hell does anyone manage something like that? What’s wrong with being happy that we at least won something and didn’t end up with ZERO Medals?

    And it’s not like trampoline isn’t any less physical than any other form of gymnastics. it’s like being ashamed of winning in skiing because all the cool kids are snowboarding.

    I feel sorry for you and whatever happened to you that turned you into such a negative tool.