breaking hearts

Welcome to the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday on Wednesday, where you might think having an extra day to work on this mailbag would result in answers far more clever and insightful than ever before, but sadly no.

As ever, these are actual questions actually submitted by actual readers.

Scott: Will you marry me? Despite the Obama victory, I want Canadian citizenship. I can cook, bake, sew, and name all the Canadian provinces and territories. Even more importantly, I am in no way related to anyone who has ever lived in Arkansas. Thanks! – Alison, Washington, DC

Dear Alison –

Thank you for your proposal of marriage. As the tears of joy rise to my eyes, as a smile breaks across my face and I prepare to give my response, I am mindful of having watched enough television in my life to know that true love (the kind of love that can only be measured through increased ratings and a meaningful percentage of subsidiary global merchandising rights – you know, American love) is unlikely to come to fruition without me first suffering from amnesia, being shot by a mysterious, off-camera assailant and “accidentally” impregnating your conniving twin sister.

All of which is my way of saying, dear Alison, my way of saying to you, in response to your proposal of marriage – oh dear sweet Alison! – that I would be truly honoured and deeply blessed to take your hand in holy matrim… [blink theatrically, touch head] uhh, who are you? WHO AM I?? [rip off shirt] WHAT IS THIS THING ON MY BODY?????

[To be continued…]

Scott – this rumoured coalition business has me all confused. I mean, Whitney denies vehemently that she has rekindled her, er, “romance” with Bobby. Is this true?  – Mark

Dear Mark –

You disgust me. How can you even ask such a superficial and gossipy question when we at home are in time of unprecedented uncertainly, a time a growing crisis, a time of coming to grips with the fact that the status quo is completely and totally under attack. That’s right, Mark – Brad Pitt has grown a moustache: