A coming glorious epoch of monkey supremacy

Who’ll get us first? I guess what I’m saying is let’s not pledge fealty to any one overlord.


A coming glorious epoch of monkey supremacy

A British geneticist claims to have made a startling discovery: humanity has stopped evolving. He apparently arrived at this conclusion after studying new data, analyzing behavioural patterns, and watching Rosie O’Donnell eat a side of ribs.

Professor Steve Jones of University College London cites a number of reasons, but says the leading cause of our stagnation as a species is that fewer older men are fathering children. Turns out a man in his 50s is more likely than a man in his 30s to pass on genetic “mutations,” the fuel of evolution. (By total coincidence, professor Jones is 64 years old—an older man—making his theory either the summation of a life’s work in science or the worst pick-up line ever. Hey baby, how’d ya like to help encourage a few cellular deviations?)

Many are taking issue with Jones’s conclusions—but what if he’s right? What if there will be no sixth finger or third arm for humankind—and no second liver for Lohankind? What if we really are done evolving?

Then the monkeys win, people.

The monkeys win.

Don’t get me wrong: we’ve had a good run as a species. Discovered fire. Mastered language. Invented the Swiffer. And evolution has been good to us: in politicians, for instance, evolution has over many centuries replaced the heart with a swollen gland capable of producing an extraordinary quantity of gall.

But already monkeys are gaining on us, continuing to evolve and improve themselves. Researchers recently found that some Nigerian monkeys may even be starting to speak in “sentences” by combining specific noises into a sequence. This development heralds a coming epoch of monkey domination and, in the meantime, technically makes all organ grinders bilingual.

According to scientists who monitor the Nigerian monkeys, when the adult male delivers a “sentence” of sounds consisting of three pyows and four hacks, it is understood by the female monkeys to mean “let’s get going” or “time to move on.” Whereas four pyows and three hacks clearly means, “I’m going bowling with Steve.” (I’m paraphrasing.) Hurling one’s feces at another monkey, meanwhile, is still generally understood by scholars to translate as, “I’m preparing for my Rob Schneider audition.”

Bottom line: they’re getting more intelligent and we’re not. And they’re plenty clever already. A single monkey in Tokyo recently eluded 30 police officers sent into a subway station to trap it with nets. In Florida, meanwhile, monkeys escaped from a safari park last month and took refuge at a nearby ranch, where they attempted to make off with a tractor. The rancher tried for a while to capture the monkeys but, having failed, has decided to settle for peaceful coexistence. “They are smart,” he told a local TV station. “Very smart.”

At this point, regular readers of this column may be confused. For years I’ve warned of the Robocalypse—the uprising of robots that will lead to the eradication of every human on earth except me, who will walk among the robots in disguise, the years of wearing this trash can on my torso and this metal colander over my head finally paying off.

But will the monkeys get us first? I guess what’s important here is that we not prematurely pledge our fealty to any particular overlord. I for one certainly remember how awkward it was after I offered my undying loyalty to Jesus Jones. (I can admit now that I reacted a touch too literally to reports that their infectious pop songs were conquering America.)

This much can be said with certainty—we are not exactly helping our own cause in a potential war against the monkey menace. Not long ago, scientists at the University of Washington used an electrical circuit to give paralyzed monkeys the ability to move their arms. On one hand, this could lead to neuroprosthetics for humans with spinal cord injuries. But on the other hand . . . monkey cyborgs! Coming down from the hills! Monkeyborgs! Ruuuuuuun!

For humans, a lifetime of servitude as a monkey concubine may serve as an evolutionary settling of scores. A recent study found that our early human ancestors may actually have interbred with the forerunners of chimpanzees long after the two species branched out from their shared family tree.

These findings have shocked the scientific community—not to mention many chimpanzee parents, who suspected their daughters were up to something but, wow, not anything this freaky. The researchers claim that human/chimp DNA didn’t finally diverge until 5.4 million years ago—to translate for creationists: last Wednesday—which is hundreds of thousands of very awkward years after the two lines split. (Typical morning-after conversation: “Gee. Last night at the cave—I coulda sworn you were a biped.”)

What’s inescapable is that we are as a species the product of our distant ancestors’ hot urges for chimps. An eternity later, payback may be coming our way: monkey see, monkey kill.

And don’t even get me started on the hell we’re going to catch from dolphins.

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A coming glorious epoch of monkey supremacy

  1. Right on.
    The old saying
    “Monkey see Monkey do” is bearing fruit.
    The “time line” should also come into play.
    They evolve at 10 time the pace that humans regress.
    One good thing.

    Won’t be long before we have some real smart monkeys in parliament.
    That will be a +.

    Says it all. Lol

  2. I caught an epsiode of Rosie’s once and I definitely agree with the observation we have indeed stopped evolving. Humanity is doomed there is no doubt about it – but – then again once women realize they can clone themselves with chemically induced parthogenesis pharmaceuticals and don’t really need us males then the whole damned shooting match is over.

  3. There’s no evolution happening with humans anyways – because we keep people alive through modern medicine who would normally die out, letting other mutations flourish and take over. Has nothing to do with the amount of mutations itself.

  4. Evolution doesn’t have prefferred directions; i.e. monkeys aren’t getting smarter. But mutations are increased by increased numbers of individuals. So humans are still “evolving” in the sense of aquiring mutations, and at a much greater rate than monkeys. But it’s not necessarily in a good direction. See the movie “Idiocracy” for a peek at the future.

  5. Won’t Potter be upset with you for interfering with his patch here? He is writing the book on Monkey domination.

  6. Friends:

    To quote the late Ernst Mayr (What Evolution Is (Basic Books, 2002)): “It has long been appreciated that it is our brain that makes us human. Any other part of our anatomy can be matched or surpassed by a corresponding structure in some other animal….What is perhaps most astonishing is the fact that the human brain seems not to have changed one single bit since the first appearance of Homo sapiens, some 150,000 years ago. The cultural rise of the human species from primitive hunter-gatherer to agriculture and city civilizations took place without an appreciable increase in brain size. It seems that in an enlarged, more complex society, a bigger brain is no longer rewarded by a reproductive advantage. It certainly shows that there is no teleological trend toward a steady brain increase in the hominid lineage.”

    Now, if we take University College of London’s Professor Steve Jones’s words at face value, that, thanks to our historical re-engineering, rather than evolutionary, “Humans are 10,000 times more common than we should be, according to the rules of the animal kingdom,” and “Natural selection no longer has death as a handy tool,” and that, thanks to the relatively cosmopolitan nature of breeding patterns today and going forward, the likely impact of random mutation triggers has greatly decreased, and “we have dropped the human mutation rate because of a change in reproductive patterns,” suggesting the hypothesis that “Human evolution is over,” well then, I have only question: What course of action do you suppose a wise man would advise?

  7. As a person who was done some reading on both sides of the creationist vs evolutionary arguement I must say I don’t see much evolving or creating going on. If evolution actually happened we would all be able to reach that “itchy spot” in the middle of our backs by now wouldn’t ya think? As for creationism, its hard to believe that civilaizations have come and gone being recreated. Think Aztecs, Myans, entire civilizations disappearring for millinea at a time. Personally I lean towards evolution since it seems to have more evidence. I am sure even the Pope thinks fossils are the real McCoy. Things that make you go Hmmmmm….MR Feschuk hilarious as always.

    Where would be with the Swiffer…??

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