an open letter to william shatner about poo


Dear William Shatner:

You can stop now. I get it. You can stop appearing on my television and in my newspapers to remind me that All-Bran makes people go poop.

Perhaps I am alone in this. Maybe I’m the only one. But I have grown slightly weary of your cheeky, enthusiastic odes to the excretory process.

I admit it: it was kind of cute at first – your passionate, semi-witty extolling of the cereal’s mighty poop-releasing power. “Kellogg’s All-Bran,” you’d say to the camera. “It makes you crap.” Or something like that. Point is: you portrayed the toilet as Eden, utopia, a porcelain nirvana. And you said to poop-challenged people in their fifties and in their sixties and in their abdominal discomfort – I can get you there. All-Bran can get you there!

Don’t get me wrong, Bill. Pooping is great. It beats exploding, hands down.

And I grasp the scope of the challenge facing Kellogg’s. The company is attempting to market and sell the first cereal to answer the question: “Hey, I wonder what hamster food pellets taste like?” (Spoiler alert: Not that great.)

So what do they do? They take a look at the nutritional information on the box and realize there’s enough fibre in there to loosen up an elephant or a DeLuise. And they call you, Bill. They call you with the irresistible offer to become a spokesman for human feces.

Hi, I’m Bill Shatner. Poo = good.

But it’s been years now. Years. First there were the TV ads touting the All-Bran Two Week Challenge to “promote regularity.” Then I opened the paper to find you smiling smugly above the words “Hooray for Number Two!” Now it’s more TV ads, these ones touting All-Bran snack bars – which are apparently great for snacking, if you can remember to forget to remember why you’re snacking on them. WHICH YOU NEVER CAN!

What’s next? All-Bran gum? Mmmmm, you can really taste the psyllium seed husk!

Enough already, William Shatner: We’re trying to eat here. But not that. We’re not going to eat that.

P.S. I’m not saying you’re obsessed, Bill, but when Sulu got married this week what did you send him? A colon?

P.P.S. Wait… Shat-ner. I get it!


an open letter to william shatner about poo


  2. sorry tania – i’m just in here looking for a box of all-bran. (nice lobes.)

  3. Very, very funny. You made my morning and I thank you.

  4. Dear Mr. Feschuck:

    I used to… like you… Scott… You had a good sense of humor, commented on all the important / socially relevant issues, made MaCleans worth reading, and generally made me laughed. As a manic-depressive, I can tell you first hand, how hard that is.

    But now… you have gone… too far. As I write this, shields are UP, phasers are on-line, and I have already emailed 3 nasty aliens with bad facial complexions to request that you be assassinated while on your sabbatical. Sadly, we will not make a movie of it.

    You sir, insulted THE Shatner. You insulted Captain Kirk, a great Canadian, a childhood hero, a man who has saved the WHOLE Earth more times than you have visited the porcelain throne, and a man with an EGO even larger than yours — or Jean Chretien’s.

    And that sir, violates national security, and dare I say it? — Planetary Security… even more so than Maxime Bernier’s charming habit of leaving top secret info all around town.

    I trust that when the black helicopters overfly you, you will regret what you have done!

    Do you not realize that Shatner’s EGo is a living BEING? As such, it takes in calories to exist, and as Nichele Nichols said “It has to have a tailpipe?” And it is just a tad larger than the standard orbit of NCC-1701….

    Hence all that All-Bran. The most closely guarded secret of Canada, ever since the Trudeau Era, has been that Bill’s EGO is, um, “in need of assistance”, and that is why he got the psyllium gig.

    As you can see ‘WS’ needed those commercials to keep his EGO from exploding. Thus THE EGO was well lubricated, and the Earth was safe. You have endangered this with your recklessness, and snide, but perky sense of humor.

    Obviously, YOUR ego could use a few All-Bran bars….

    Thank you for ruining an otherwise feckless day in my life.
    (One who may become a former Feschuckian.)

Sign in to comment.