Ask Doug Finley


Dear Doug Finley,
I’m getting married and I couldn’t be happier. Except for one thing. I don’t want my aunt to come to the wedding. She’s controlling and vindictive and horrible and she’ll ruin everything. But I’m afraid to confront her. What can I do?
Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
Try a trick I heard about from an American friend. Just use a demon-dialer to call her a week before the wedding. Leave a voicemail urging her to show up, tell her this will be the start of a wonderful reconciliation for you two — and give her the wrong date.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I’m popular with between 34% and 36% of my classmates. But between 28% and 30% of my classmates like this other girl, Steffie. I hate Steffie. She talks funny and she only ever wears green. How can I make her friends like me?
Signed, Blue with envy

Dear Blue,
Probably you can’t win Steffie’s friends over. But you can still rule without them. All you have to do is tell her friends that Steffie’s not a leader. Then spread rumours to set Steffie’s friends against one another. That way you’ll be free to do whatever you want! Try it, it works.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
A buddy of mine is trying to choose between two girls he likes. Brenda’s great, a lot of fun, a good influence on him. Judy’s a harridan. But my buddy hates taking advice, and I’m afraid if I tell him who to pick, he’ll just go with the other one. What can I do?
Signed, Interfering

Dear Interfering
Write a fake memo explaining why you’re terrified of Brenda, and leak it to La Presse. When your friend reads the memo he’ll pick Brenda just to spite you.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I want to invite some of my friends but not the others to a party at the Sheraton Hotel this Sunday afternoon. Any advice?
Signed, Picking and Choosing

Dear Picking,
Ooh, that’s a tough one. You’d be surprised how easily these things can backfire. Does it have to be a party? Could you maybe just send your friends something nice in a plain brown envelope? If not, then make sure the friends you invite don’t talk to the ones you don’t invite. I find it’s usually best to threaten them. Tell them that if they let word of the party get out you won’t take them to Afghanistan next time you go. That should keep them quiet. But just in case things go sideways, make sure there’s a fire escape handy.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I was partying the other night and I bumped into a beautiful old heirloom that my grandmother loves. I broke it, Doug. Now I don’t know what to do. She’ll be crushed when she finds out.
Signed, Clumsy Drunk

Dear Clumsy,
Blame the CBC.
Yours, Doug Finley

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Ask Doug Finley

  1. Dear Stephane Dion,
    I’m the swing vote on the Board of Directors for a pet store conglomerate. The Chairman of the Board keeps kicking puppies and kittens, but I’m worried that our shareholders won’t pick me as his replacement if I vote to fire him. What should I do?
    Signed, Ready-but-not-Willing

    Dear Ready,
    If you complain, threaten and throw around all the demagoguery that you can, then what more can you do? Remember, there are a host of other people looking to take your spot on the Board, so it’s probably best to keep your head down and not do anything too rash. As long as the puppies and kittens hear you say you’re on their side, then not actually doing anything to help them won’t make a difference in the long run anyways!
    Yours, Stephane Dion

  2. Dear Jack-L,

    I’m torn between the promise of two different jobs. The one I’m familiar with offers affordable childcare, has agreed, after many years of talking about it, to address the junk food in the cafeteria that is making everyone fat, and will even assist my neighbouring community get stronger. However, it’s kind of old hat, and long time ago someone in the company reportedly stole a lot of money from the kitty.
    The other job involves roughing up old ladies and their puppies, spending lavishly on polls and new paint, closing down its information service and has a secret crush on war profiteers. It’s really a shell company for an evil vader-like syth group. But it does have a nice office with a view. Which should I join?

    Signed, wavering and confused.

    Dear Wavering,
    Which job will get you nearest to a window seat? My bet is that both are lying, but believe me, you are better with a view. Go for Door Number 2…

    Yours, Jack

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