Aw, voting two whole times in five years? -

Aw, voting two whole times in five years?

Harper feels our pain, and he’ll take a majority to end this chore called democracy

Aw, voting two whole times in five years?

Getty Images; Photo illustration by Taylor Shute

Attention voters: because he’s been mentioning it only every other sentence, instead of every single sentence, you may be unaware that Stephen Harper would very much like to be granted a majority government on May 2.

He doesn’t want it for his own sake, mind you. Heavens no. He wants it for Canada. In fact, when you think about it, a majority for Stephen Harper is really a gift we’d be giving ourselves. [Dear editor: please print this paragraph in the font Sarcastics.]

Steve used to be taciturn about his majority urges. He refused to discuss them in public. He seemed ashamed.

Now it’s all he talks about. It’s as though he’s bent on cajoling his girlfriend into finally going all the way. Come on, Canada—just ONE majority! Your friend Britain did it all the time with Tony Blair. Later this campaign, Steve will test the waters by trying to get to second base with southern Ontario.

Harper has grown obsessed with the size of his mandate. He tells Canadians: only a Conservative majority will be able to deliver a balanced budget and a stable economy. Only a Conservative majority will be able to make our streets safe and keep terrorism at bay. By the end of the campaign, don’t be surprised if only a Conservative majority will be able to lower your cholesterol and make sure Thor doesn’t suck.

As an added bonus, delivering a Conservative majority would put a temporary end to what Harper has long seen as the very worst thing about democracy: the voting.

All campaign, Steve has been feeling our pain about the wearying chore of having to vote two whole times over the span of five years. It’s damn near impossible not to get a tear in your eye when you think ahead to May 3 and the millions of Canadians who’ll wake up with symptoms of post-traumatic voting disorder—and spend the day wandering in a daze, randomly marking Xs on telephone poles and domestic pets.

But what if we decline to give Harper what he wants? Dear citizens, the potential consequences are too imaginary to imagine! Our prosperity may crumble. Quebec may separate. Within a week to 10 days, our financial system may revert to a farm-based barter economy. Friends, you’re going to wish you voted in a Conservative majority when you try to purchase a bindle and the sales clerk doesn’t have change for a rooster.

Naturally, the opposition parties are going all out to stop a Harper majority—for our sake, of course. They’re selfless that way.

A recent Liberal ad suggested a re-elected Harper would destroy our health care system, arm our population with automatic weapons and personally drown at least two ducks in oily goop from the tar sands. Presumably, the Liberals decided to edit out the part claiming that Steve would reverse the process of human evolution, dooming all future Canadians to mate with chimpanzees.

The Liberals aren’t only about stoking fear. This past week, Michael Ignatieff had a treat for those polite enough to maintain the fiction that his party has a chance to form a government. He said that upon becoming prime minister, he would hold…a meeting! And not just any meeting—a meeting within 60 days. That wouldn’t leave a lot of time to craft an agenda or order muffins, which is a problem, frankly, because Michael Ignatieff didn’t come back for a supermarket fruit tray.

Meanwhile, Harper continues to get the reaction he’s famous for on the campaign trail. His spokesman recently tweeted a photo from a rally in which an older gentleman half-heartedly held up a homemade sign that read, “Harper is stability.” Presumably, the man judged this slogan to be slightly more flattering to Harper than, say, “I was told there’d be juice.” But it’s not enthusiasm that Harper is after. More likely, he sees exasperation as the path to majority.

I once attended a wedding reception at which the groom chose a novel approach in addressing his new wife. “I haven’t been a very good boyfriend,” he told her, and us, and yes it was weird. “But I’m going to try to be a better husband.”

Harper is making a similar pitch: we haven’t always gotten along, Canada. We’ve bickered at times and you’ve been reluctant to commit. So let’s get married!

If no other option looks appealing, the answer this time just may be yes.


Aw, voting two whole times in five years?

  1. I have great difficulty rewarding a flawed system, that over the last six months has done nothing. The so called leaders of our country continuously go he said, she said but never listen to the people they were elected to serve. For this I am to select and reward the one who looks like the best. Not…. I have already voted and none got my vote…. I went Green
    One might say I threw away my vote but I didn't reward a person that says do it my way or else. This is one time I can say " Listen…. Your missed the message!!"

  2. Presumably, the Liberals decided to edit out the part claiming that Steve would reverse the process of human evolution, dooming all future Canadians to mate with chimpanzees.

    Real reason this part was edited out: Liberals remembered Conservatives don't believe in evolution. :)

  3. So what is funny as in laugh? Certainly not Mr Feschuk, as he's the resident comic.

  4. The real reason Harper wants a majority so bad is that he will be replaced as leader of the Cons. If the public refuses to give him a majority 3 times in a row what is the common denominator? He is not trustworthy in the public's eye. Look for Mr. Day or someone else to become leader. Crispy Clark in BC is a good example of how a change of leader can make a huge change in voter support.

    • Mr.Day as in Stockwell Day? Didn't he started his campaign for PM on a jet ski and saw it all slide down from there? No, I don't think we have to worry about that. Peter Mackay is actually the correct answer.

      • I vote for John Baird. How delicious would it be to have a gay Conservative PM?

        • Plus he'd have to try to stop making the shoutey face all the time, which would be fun to watch.

  5. Canadian Abroad, be a bit charitable. The Canadian public is facing the terrifying reality that the old LibLab common law union is disintegrating. It is hard for them to accept, so far, that they are losing their position as natural governors of the nation and keepers of the eternal flame of trudeaupian socialism.

    • I love these hardcore conservative comments, suggesting there's a small-c conservative wind a-blowin' across the nation. If that's so, why are the Conservatives going out of their way to seem as centrist as they possibly can? Boy oh boy, if a Conservative majority government is as centrist as their campaign is suggesting, there is going to be an awful lot of grumpy neocons.

      • Boy oh boy, if a Conservative majority government is as centrist as their campaign is suggesting, there is going to be an awful lot of grumpy neocons.

        Wait, you mean that right now there are cheerful neocons? Where are they hiding? Certainly nowhere near the CPC campaign.

        • Good find… grumpier neocons, I should have said.

          • At least Canadian Abroad and excanuck have done us the favour of moving away.

    • Should it not be hard for the Canadian public to accept that they are losing their position as natural governors of the nation? (That is what you wrote, though I suspect it's not what you meant. It's also a more accurate description of the current state of affairs than any blathering about "the old LibLab common law union" or "trudeaupian socialism", things that, the last time I checked, never actually existed.)

  6. If any of these negative on Harper commenters actually owned a business, then their mentality would be very different.
    One can only wonder what type of business man would let his employees run his business into the ground demanding all sorts of perks & packages. The business owner would go bankrupt. In the private sector, unions know this & they keep their demands to a reasonable common sense level. Bcos if they kill the golden goose, the employees including the union, would be out of work.
    The Prime Minister of Canada, should and has to run our collected tax dollars like a business and NOT like a cha ching cash cow.
    Spending day in and day out fighting off the greedy, ideologist, out of touch with taxpayers opposition parties is why nothing gets done.
    PM Harper is getting our family vote bcos we believe that HE is the right business man for the job. And to propel Canada into a better private sector job creation, he needs a majority.
    Business people understand him. To bad the public/union sector doesn't.

    • Money, money, money – what you business people don't understand is that there's more to life than money and making more money and less taxes.

      Ideologists aren't greedy, they're trying to get meagre bits of funding to HELP OTHER PEOPLE!! You Cons are so quick to buy the party line of greedy artist/teacher/socialist, yet are totally willing to forgive the massive vote-buying of the Harper regime? The Economic Action Plan was Harper's 60 Billion dollar campaign ad on our dime. He's always been more concerned with branding than job creation, but I guess that's good business strategy, right?

      I'm sorry, the Government of Canada should be run like a Not For Profit – not a corporation, which is exactly why Harper is the last guy I want in charge.

    • You do realize that Harper has done more to run "his business" into the ground than his predecessors, right? That by pandering to every special interest group he's run up the largest deficits in our history despite having been left the largest surplus in history by the Liberals? The PM should not treat our tax dollars as a cash cow, but that's exactly what Harper and his government have done. It's the Liberals who have shown themselves to be fiscally responsible, and if any of these pro-Harper commenters actually owned a business they'd know that.

    • I own a business. If I ran my business the way Harper runs the country – making huge financial decisions without proper analysis, borrowing like there's no tomorrow, spending choices (like Tony Clement's $100,000 gazebo) that can't possibly pay back… well, I wouldn't own a business for long.

      And I wouldn't vote for the Conservative Party under ANY circumstances for that reason.

      • Come on, that gazebo thing is so obscure. I mean, s_c_f follows politics more than most people, and he's never even heard of it.

        ::long, uncomfortable pause::

    • As a business owner, I say 'poppycock' to you Missy.
      While my bottom line is very important, the type of society I live in and do business in is extremely important to me too.
      The type of society I raise my children in is very important.
      The pendulum always swings between business and workers depending if the economy is waning or waxing. We need a government that can balance the needs of the people with the needs of business; not one that pits one against the other.

      • Amen!

      • Feel free to DONATE your profits to the cause of your choice. Why are the old lefties so willing to make the sacrifice of MY dollars to assuage their guilt? Oh, that’s right, greed. 

    • 1. Harper's not a business man. The closest he's come to such is working in a mail-room in Calgary. Aside from that, he's been a policy wonk/right-wing agitator since day one.

      2. Only the Liberals have put together a plan that is remotely costed to keep us at an even deficit. Mr. Harper's plan relies on pixie dust and unicorn horn to tackle the deficit even as he gives us nothing else but deceit and corruption (hint: look up Dmitri Soudas)

      3. If you're really concerned about people who are out of touch with taxpayers, why on earth would you seek to elect a man who refuses to allow the public anywhere near him, and even has his staff remove those who just might happen to ask an uncomfortable question.

      4. If you don't want to kill the golden goose, you don't give tax cuts to the rich while raising employment taxes on the working people, because it is the working people who create the most demand, which is what creates jobs and what pushes our economy forward.

      • Thwim: One billion thumbs up.

  7. "By the end of the campaign, don't be surprised if only a Conservative majority will be able to lower your cholesterol and make sure Thor doesn't suck."

    I hope Canadians aren't fooled so easily. The fact of the matter is, whether the Conservatives get their majority or not, Thor is going to be AWESOME. Thunder God with Smiting Hammer? Pffft. No question about it.

  8. It's time to tie the knot.

  9. If the Cons get a majority, we all loose.
    Better get that tube of Vaseline ready, CA!

    • The budget cupboard is bare. Sorry, no lubricant for you!

      • I was afraid this might be the case so I stocked up ahead
        of time. You know, to make things a little more bareable.

        I suggest you all do the same. It won't matter for whom you
        voted,everyone's getting their rectal probe, courtesy of the
        Conservative majority government.

  10. I'm breaking up with Steve. For the record, anyone who votes for his party is officially disinvited to my Christmas party. Yeah, you have a right to vote for whomever you want. I have a right to think you must be incredibly ill-informed if you do. CONTEMPT of Parliament people. If you're one of the ones who doesn't care, you actually shouldn't have the right to shape the future of my country.

  11. Who is Scott Feschuk and why does he think he is funny?

    • If you have to ask, then you didn't read, which means you don't know whether he's funny or not.

      I know it sucks waiting for the only truly funny man who ever wrote for MacLeans to get off Rush Limbaugh's, ahem, golden microphone, but you'll just have to be patient.

  12. NflemingPlays wrote:

    “Money, money, money – what you business people don’t understand is that there’s more to life than money and making more money and less taxes…”

    What “ideologists” like Fleming fail to grasp is that it takes a great deal of $ to fund all the programs he/she would like to see in place.

    No one could possibly have imagined, but the Liberal Party of Canada has found, in Mr. Ignatieff, a leader actually WORSE than Stephane Dion! And Jack, well – Jack’s a nice guy. But…

    On May 2nd, intelligent Canadians are going to vote for strong, effective leadership provided by fiscally responsible Conservative government, led by Stephen Harper.

    Some will hold their nose while doing so, but intelligent Canadians do what they know is best.

    • "fiscally responsible". Right. The Cons give 2.2 billion to Quebec to buy votes and the GAO says the fighters will cost 148 million each rather than the 75 million the Harper liars told us. The Cons wasting 1 billion on the G8 summit. On and on it goes. Responsible Tory is an oxymoron.

    • How on earth do you figure that any government led by Stephen Harper will be either fiscally responsible or Conservative?

      Is there any evidence of that happening in the past 5 years? Unless there is, then you're betting on a fantasy.

  13. @tourist13- "At the end of the day, the NDP are a socialist party and will push for a socialist agenda. No thanks."

    At the end of the day, the Conservatives are a Fascists party and will push for a totalitarian agenda. No thanks!. LOL!.

  14. It has been 3 years, Harper makes it sound like the last election was 3 months ago. God help Canada if a DICTATOR like Harper ever gets a majority. PLEASE …Ontario we need you now. From Bob in Alberta, see not all from Alberta want him.

    • We had one.His name was jean Dictator Chretien.How soon you forget

  15. Why would any Canadian in their left mind vote NDP?!…

    A party who has forced MEDICARE on every CDN?, only people who can pay out of their own pockets wile bleeding to death in a ditch should be able to get medical treatment or too bad!…

    A party whose founder Tommy Douglas was voted the GREATEST CANADIAN in the history of our country!, who does he think he is?!…

    A party who cares about the people?!?!, forget the people!, what about the oil companies, banks & big corporations?!, their only making millions in profits!, crap I'm out of bread & water again…

    A leader who thinks the credit card companies are charging us to much interest?!, who cares if Canadians are drowning themselves in dept!, keep the government out of the billionaires business!…

    I mean geeze baaa! The other parties & media etc keep telling me not to vote NDP baaa! they say the SKY WILL FALL! baaa! you'd be crazy baaa! to think for yourself! baaa! you know you can TRUST what baaa! the other parties tell you to FEAR baaa!.


  16. All I know is that the last time there was this much support nationally for the NDP, they split the vote with the Libs and gave the Cons over 200 seats in the commons.

    Seriously folks, anyone who thinks they know what the result will be next week is kidding themselves or intentionally misleading others.

    Depending on the vote split, we're either looking at a LIB/NDP combined vote near majority, or an overwhelming CPC majority, which is to say: anything can happen from here on in.