Barack Obama: Democrat, President… Reality Show Contestant?

Alright America, it’s time you picked one of us to be your BFF


“I love this country and think that we could not have a better friend and ally,” Barack Obama, referring to Canada, Feb. 19, 2009

“The United States has no greater ally in NATO than Italy,” Nancy Pelosi, Feb. 16, 2009

“The Indian people… should know that they have no better friend and partner than the people of the United States.” – Obama, January, 2009

“Israel has no greater friend and no stronger supporter than the United States of America…” – Condoleezza Rice, 2005

“America is fortunate to call this country our closest friend in the world,” George W. Bush, referring to Great Britain, 2003

“We have got no better friends than Canada” – Bush, 2002

“We have no greater friend than Mexico” – Bush, 2001

Dear America,

You promiscuous bastard. You’re more than 230 years old – it’s time to settle down already. It’s time you picked one of us to be your BFF and told the rest of the nations of the planet that while they’re still invited to your birthday party, they will not be sleeping over and having waffles in the morning.

This will provide the world with clarity – and not only clarity, but also entertainment, for America must decide its best friend on a reality show in which the countries of the world compete for the affection of the globe’s only military superpower. It’ll have kind of a Bachelor vibe, but without quite so much gonorrhea. I see a Survivor-style obstacle course in which competing nations must overcome Islamic fundamentalism, sidestep economic ruin, form a teenage boy band and successfully eat one of these.

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Barack Obama: Democrat, President… Reality Show Contestant?

  1. LoL!!!!

    • ROFLMAO, even.

      • For me, it started with a somewhat restrained LOL, which morphed into a LMAO at about the half way point, and then eventually evolved into a full-blown ROFLMAO. It was quite the production.

  2. I was wondering that as well this week.

    But in all seriousness can’t we all just be friends? there’s no need to pick favorites.
    I mean we all serve some sort of purpose. You have a best friend who you hit the clubs with and you have that best friend who’s a little over weight and smells funny but you still sit down and play Halo with every week.

    • Which are we?

  3. If all the love is alphabetical we do ok.

  4. Sadly, the logic of this post is lacking. Saying that the US has no greater friend than Canada and that the US has no greater friend than Mexico, for example, is NOT a contradiction. All friends could be valued equally. If they had said Canada is America’s greatest friend, and Mexico is America’s greatest friend, this would be a contradiction. But by using phrases like “no greater friend”, they avoid contradicting themselves. There is a difference between “greater than” and “not less than”.

    And yes, I’m aware I’m a huge nerd, thanks for asking. :P

    • a classic example of logic well done.

  5. Are SFeschuk and ACoyne trying to win points with their rightwing owners, publishers, whatever. Is this anti-American or anti-Obama? Quit spoiling the fun, boys.

  6. Agree Scott. You hit the nail on the head.

  7. “The United States has no greater ally in NATO than Italy.”

    That one is in a class by itself.

  8. I love Scott’s articles they are allways just so funny, he hit it right on the head “You promiscuous bastard” youve gotta love it!

  9. What country is Obama visiting next? Because then we will know who he likes. I can just hear him saying “[insert country name] is an amazing country. It is second only to the US of A and the next country I visit!”

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