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coming this fall: the apocalypse


 

What with the latest American Idol selected and a fresh supply of hookers safely delivered to Bill Gates, some of you may be of the impression that Satan can now knock off for the summer – kick back by the lake of fire, roast some marshmallows over Hitler, recharge the evil. But you don’t get to be Prince of Darkness by drinking heavily for months on end in the company of buxom zombies (that’s how you get to be Prince Harry).

Sure, other manifestations of evil incarnate would probably be satisfied with inflicting both a Brett Ratner movie and the Baconator on humanity in a single fiscal year. But for the Devil, achievements like securing a late-night television show for Jimmy Fallon are merely an amuse bouche before the dinner of pain.

And now here comes your main course.

According to reports out of Hollywood, Fran Drescher and Rosie O’Donnell are developing a new sitcom.

In which they will star.

Together.

[Let us take a moment here to a) collect ourselves, b) pre-emptively rip our new high-def plasmas from the wall and hurl them into the street, and c) rush out into the street and stomp on them.]

Drescher, who for years starred in The Nanny, and O’Donnell, who for months starred in a terrifying series of my nightmares involving just a tremendous amount of nudity and sour cream, are apparently cooking up a show entitled The New Thirty.

The premise is that two old high-school friends endure a midlife crisis while living in the same apartment building in Manhattan. The other premise is that God has lost, Satan is in ascendancy and we are all doomed to suffer eternally for some grave collective sin – probably the one where we let Kevin Federline reproduce.

Remember how all those celebrities said they’d move to Canada if George W. Bush was awarded the 2000 presidential election over Al Gore? Well, if Rosie O’Donnell and Fran Drescher get a sitcom together, I’m moving to a new medium. Hello radio, it’s been a while. Now warm up those tubes and entertain me!

And now, here is this blog post as expressed in images:

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coming this fall: the apocalypse

  1. We can perhaps hope that their voices will cancel out through the physics of destructive wave interference, or at least combine to form a dull white noise.

    Who am I kidding.

  2. Cue the apocolypse, indeed. The only thing to make this complete would be a guest cameo by The Donald…

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