Coyne. Wells. The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out (With Logic!) -

Coyne. Wells. The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out (With Logic!)


If you’re a fan of democracy or yellow, you’ve probably noticed the advertisements at alerting you to next week’s Coyne v. Wells live event, which is being touted alternately as a “political showdown” and a “political roadshow.” (We use both terms to describe it because we forget which one implies more hair-pulling.)

Why is Coyne versusing Wells? Because OUR DEMOCRACY IS BROKEN and someone needs to muse about talking about pondering the topic of speculating what to do about thinking about fixing it. I mean, come on: Our national beard isn’t going to thoughtfully stroke itself.

I know what you’re thinking: Return our BROKEN DEMOCRACY to the manufacturer. Get STORE CREDIT. Come home with a nice new despotism, a fledgling kleptocracy or maybe a vintage grand duchy. But it’s not that easy because John A. was too soused to get the extended warranty. (Governance humour – not that funny to the average person but I swear Ned Franks just wet himself.)

The event’s details and catchy subtitle can be found here. The savvy among you will surely notice that the session is scheduled to be broadcast live on CPAC – but if you’re in Toronto, I encourage you to attend in person. In fact, I encourage you to attend in person even if you’re not in Toronto – the extravagance of my tailgating setup alone will be worth the drive. Plus, “in person” is the only way to truly appreciate the intensity of the suit-wearing and the ruminatin’.

Other panelists scheduled to appear at Coyne v. Wells include Ed Broadbent, John Ralston Saul, Eddie Goldenberg, Tasha Kheiriddin, The Professor and Mary-Anne.

Meanwhile, if you read widely or are my Dad, you’re probably aware that there’s another, less ruggedly handsome Feschuk out there who types for a living. With Mike Grange of The Globe, my brother Dave – a sports columnist at the Toronto Star – has just published Leafs AbomiNation, a spectacularly enjoyable chronicle of 40-plus years of hockey-based misery inflicted on the fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s just like The Odyssey but with Harold Ballard as the Cyclops, Nik Antropov’s contract as Scylla and then everyone is lured to their deaths by the intoxicating siren call of Joe Bowen.

Dave’s book hit No. 2 last week on the Globe’s list of Canadian bestsellers, making it a superior commercial success to my book, which peaked at No. 4 on the list of books my Grandma thought about maybe buying but, then again, no.

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Coyne. Wells. The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out (With Logic!)

  1. Knocke dout with logic, Is that like "Blinded Me With Science"….perhaps you can hum a few bars.

  2. Scott, your book has an Amazon sales ranking of 195,199. I'm pretty sure that means it has nowhere to go but up!

    • what's sad is that it had pretty much the same ranking when it was released.

  3. I'm waiting for Scott's next book "How not to completely suck as a new grandparent".

  4. Dude, thank you for being you. Best column of 5769, and not a moment too soon!

  5. Needs more monster-truck style hype…..

    "They're turning the Janet Mallett Theatre into ONE GIANT MUD PIT!"

    Or replace Peter Van Dusen with Rik Emmett or something.

    • You'll pay for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!


        • That's the spirit! Some $1 hot dogs, free parking, a special appearance by the Virginia Beach Beast and the latest 20 SUNshine girls to sign autographs for the kids and now we have a truly big event.

          (p.s. I will watch even if the page 3 girls aren't invited).

      • If you're in jail, BREAK OOOOOUT!

  6. So I guess Ed Broadbent, John Ralston Saul, Eddie Goldenberg and Tasha Kheiriddin are the undercard to the Main Event.

  7. Will they be building duplicate office sets for Wells and Coyne?

    • Lord knows making something look like my office won't cost much.

  8. Cost of another democratic election: About ten bucks a head.
    Cost of a two hour gabfest about another election: Twenty bucks a head.

    Canadians don't want another expensive gabfest.

    • Or another election.

    • I agree that the "elections are so expensive " argument is the epitome of lame, but still. Presumably Coyne v. Wells isn't actually funded by the taxpayers right, so there is a difference.

  9. This thread is neat!

    • Then I won't spoil it for you by telling you that everything that'll happen at the event is faked, it's staged, and Wells and Coyne totally rehearsed the part where Coyne sneaks up from behind and smacks Wells over the head with an understated aside concerning the intellectual integrity of perspectives relating to epistemological relativism.

      • The blood: will it be literal (rhymes with Liberal) or figurative (please contact Jack Mitchell for an appropriate rhyming word for figurative)?

  10. I think this ought to be jointly held in secondlife, so that all our avatars can come and…ruminate. Heck, I'll even ponder if it gets that good.

  11. the extravagance of my tailgating setup alone will be worth the drive

    That had better be a promise. I WANT DETAILS!

    • We begin our coyne v wells tailgate experience by slowly spit-roasting a free-range new democrat to which we've applied a nice tweed rub…

  12. You know Scott, there's still plenty of time for you to start a blood feud between the two, so that next week can include more than just logical blows. ("Hey Coyne, Wells said your new car is a government subsidized piece of crap." ….. "Wells, you didn't hear it from me, but Coyne likes to read your columns out loud to the staff in a Homer Simpson sarcasm voice when you're not around.") That sort of thing.

  13. I'll wait for iTunes so I can decide whether to buy the whole album or just
    choice cuts.

  14. It's spelled the Professor and Mary Ann, not "Mary-Anne." Get the important facts straight Feschuk.

    (And if you want us to watch, give us Ginger instead)

    • Yeah, I think Mary Ann's doing community service for her DUI, so she's likely not able to cross the border at this time. Oh what am I saying — not our porous border!

    • Wait, so you know how to spell Mary Ann's name properly, but you think GINGER is hotter???

      Feschuk isn't the only one who needs to get the important facts straight. Here's one now…

      Mary Ann is hotter than Ginger. (FACT).

  15. Feschuk, you murder me! You annihilate me, kill me, destroy me. You're highly amusing.