Dear Brad and Angie

An open letter to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie


090331_kid1According to new reports, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will soon move one child closer to convening their own underage G20. The couple is said to be looking to adopt a child from India.

An open letter to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie:

It has come to my attention – through stories in the press and the telltale sound of millions of orphans simultaneously raising their arms and shouting, “Oooo, pick me!” – that you are thinking of adopting another child. I commend you both on your noble impulse. And I humbly prescribe a provocative course of action as you plan an even larger family.

You should adopt me.

There’s no denying I would be an unconventional choice. For one thing, I am a full-grown adult – which puts me at something of a disadvantage. For instance, I couldn’t find a wicker hamper big enough to leave myself on your doorstep.

But believe me, I’ll fit right in, and not just because I too hate Jon Voight. For instance, you both work tirelessly to ease suffering among the world’s least fortunate – whereas I had an Amnesty International sticker on my math binder in high school.

In media interviews, you’ve indicated that you place a priority on achieving further diversity in your family. Advantage, Feschuk. You are two of the most attractive people on the face of the Earth, whereas I am neither beautiful nor thin. Talk about balancing the ticket.

And that’s not all. Your oldest child, Maddox, is Cambodian. Shiloh was born in Namibia. What a happy coincidence that I too hail from an exotic and mystical land. Perhaps you have heard of Canada? No? Well, it’s very much like the post-apocalyptic world depicted in Mad Max but with more Yeti and taxes. Also, we’ve got this crazy health care system where you don’t even have to pay when you get sick or “accidentally” run over a paparazzo if you catch my drift. What I’m saying is that I know a guy.

In many ways, Brad, I already think of you as a father. I find myself reflecting on the quality time we’ve spent together alone, just the two of us, such as when I went to see Meet Joe Black. As for you, Angelina, you’re never far from my thoughts. In fact, I’m thinking about you right now. I’m thinking about you in that scene from Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the one near the beginning when you’re in that slinky white top and … oh my… the cleavage and the… uhh…

[Three minutes later…]

Mom and Dad – I’m not taking anything for granted but I’ve already picked out some cool Star Wars wallpaper for my room and text messaged Jennifer Aniston to call her a bitch. I also checked with my “real” father and he’s cool with this, so long as you answer one question that’s of the utmost importance to him: what is Susan Sarandon’s phone number? He’s getting nowhere just standing outside her house.

I know that some may view this adoption pitch as a cynical gambit – a shameless ploy to be welcomed into a wealthy and also rich family in a caring and, my lawyers tell me, legally binding in perpetuity way. But I’m just an ordinary human being with ordinary human needs. I crave the simple things in life: a chuck on the shoulder from my new Dad to signify his approval, a kiss from my new Mom to signify her love (maybe, if I’m lucky, her tongue love) and a lucrative three-picture screenwriting deal with Universal.

Let me make a heartfelt pledge to each of you:

Dad, I’ll never embarrass you in public In fact, I’ll hardly ever leave the house at all, what with my busy schedule of trying to accidentally walk in on Mom when she’s coming out of the shower.

And Mom: What time do you typically shower?


P.S. If this arrives too late and you’ve already adopted, please forward this to Ashton and Demi.

P.P.S. But if Madonna calls, you’ve never heard of me.

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Dear Brad and Angie

  1. Dad, I’ll never embarrass you in public In fact, I’ll hardly ever leave the house at all, what with my busy schedule of trying to accidentally walk in on Mom when she’s coming out of the shower. And Mom: What time do you typically shower?

    LOL. Funny and deeply unsettling at the same time.

  2. When I read the news this morning, my first thought was, “This is not normal. They’ve turned into hoarders, collecting children.” It used to be funny, even charming. Now, however, Brangelina have entered into an obsessive-compulsive pathology and their “acquisitions” should be tempered by regulation. (And this is coming from a recovering packrat with four adult cats and three kittens!)

    • I don’t know, that might be a bit harsh.

      If Angelina were just pregnant again, would anyone write “this is not normal?” I mean, first, I figure from Brangelina’s perspective, they’d like another child. Seems pretty typical to me, plenty of people would like to have a large family. That’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it used to be that many families had 8, 9, 10 children so I don’t find it too shocking. Then, the couple looks at the world and figures “does the world really need another mouth to feed with so many needy orphans?” and their answer is no, so they decide to adopt. To me, a totally normal and rational (also compassionate) decision. Then, they decide that they’ll adopt a child from somewhere overseas where the numbers of children seeking parents are much higher than in the U.S. Again, seems pretty rational to me.

      I get how it can seem a little strange, but if they were any other couple adopting children from overseas, I’m not sure we’d find it so odd. If a celebrity couple had a large “natural” family, I think it would be barely noteworthy. The fact that they’re celebrities who’ve chosen to adopt gets it more media coverage, but I don’t think it makes it a bad thing. What do I know about their family life, but from what I can see superficially, they seem to be dedicated and loving parents who are doing a good job of raising their kids.

      Having eight kids at once by IVF when you’re a single person living in your parent’s house may be a cause for concern. A multimillionaire couple wanting a seventh kid (importantly, who appear to be doing a fine job raising six) just doesn’t bother me.

      • This strikes me as a quite rational assessment of the situation. Celebrity activities can often be bizarre and worthy of criticism, but this family seems to be fairly functional from what an outsider can observe.

    • That woman scares me.

  3. funny. except for the mom-tongue-love stuff. that’s just gross.

    • The thing is that tongue love part rekindled the memories of that Oscar night a few years back with Angelina and her brother – I’m creeped out all over again…

    • ,,,oops…correction….”nifty idea for an article”…

  4. They both scare me……….

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