Dear Earth: You suck. (A poem) - Macleans.ca

Dear Earth: You suck. (A poem)

‘Spare us from the winter bummers / Or we’re all buying H2 Hummers’

by

In the annals of what prompts despair

Ranked just above losing one’s hair

(Though below enduring Hudson Hawk)

Is the sun going down at 4 o’clock.

The roads with streetlight are festooned

But dude, it’s still the afternoon!

Our skin so pale, our moods defective

Disorders seasonally affective.

Across a fractured hemisphere

There comes a unifying cheer:

Hey Earth – get off your lazy axis!

Autumn’s no time to relaxis.

We hear you’re suffering climate change

Hot flashes have you feeling strange

And word is that we are the cause

Of your planetary menopause.

Perhaps a deal we can beget

(Though technically it’s more a threat)

Spare us from the winter bummers

Or we’re all buying H2 Hummers.

It’s not as though we’re asking much

Just angle your fat ass a touch

So your top half leans toward the sun

And the next five months don’t make us glum.

For some there’ll be a cost, we’ll vouch

The briefer daylight hours will ouch

Just like a kick in the genitalia

But screw you, Fiji and Australia.