Dear Earth: You suck. (A poem) -

Dear Earth: You suck. (A poem)

‘Spare us from the winter bummers / Or we’re all buying H2 Hummers’


In the annals of what prompts despair

Ranked just above losing one’s hair

(Though below enduring Hudson Hawk)

Is the sun going down at 4 o’clock.

The roads with streetlight are festooned

But dude, it’s still the afternoon!

Our skin so pale, our moods defective

Disorders seasonally affective.

Across a fractured hemisphere

There comes a unifying cheer:

Hey Earth – get off your lazy axis!

Autumn’s no time to relaxis.

We hear you’re suffering climate change

Hot flashes have you feeling strange

And word is that we are the cause

Of your planetary menopause.

Perhaps a deal we can beget

(Though technically it’s more a threat)

Spare us from the winter bummers

Or we’re all buying H2 Hummers.

It’s not as though we’re asking much

Just angle your fat ass a touch

So your top half leans toward the sun

And the next five months don’t make us glum.

For some there’ll be a cost, we’ll vouch

The briefer daylight hours will ouch

Just like a kick in the genitalia

But screw you, Fiji and Australia.


Dear Earth: You suck. (A poem)

  1. Those are some truthful lines.
    Of the winter we've seen the signs.
    But I think you need more practice,
    So as not to use words like "relaxis"

  2. Just don't be surprised when a rare November tornado visits the Feschuk house!

    Reminds me of the poem written by a Pompeii scribe in the year 78: Vesuvius Can Bite Me…

  3. Kyoto turns out is a dog
    For a nerdy backpacked prof to flog
    Out of control consumption and loggin'
    Lays the path to cope, and hoggin'

  4. Damsels, and dances, revels, ready money,
    Made ice seem paradise, and winter sunny.
    — Lord Byron

  5. Damsels, and dances, revels, ready money,
    Made ice seem paradise, and winter sunny.
    — Lord Byron

  6. Although this poem may seem funny,
    Truth is truth, and it is said quite punny.
    For all of you that say saving the earth is a lot of money,
    Good Luck in 2012 (twenty-twelve) when it is said the earth is not sunny

  7. The earth is boastful,
    'tis is true,
    but still more poetic,
    than me or you?

    Wow I'm no good at this, nice job though :-)

  8. what a lovely poem!!

  9. Dear Macleans Editors: please give Scott Feschuk more ink space. His stuff is gold.

    As a former uber-conversative partisan, I was always suspicious of Macleans in giving Feschuk and Reid a venue to spin their morally-bankrupt-machiovelian-CBC-loving-soft-on-crime "Lieberal" lies. ;)

    However, I have since learned that life is too short to hate people you don't know because of party affiliation. I really enjoy the suff coming out of the inner circle of the defeated Paul Martin camp. Keep it up boys.

    Before I sign off of this heart-warming tale of How I Started Liking Liberals, I have just one last request of the all-wise and learned Macleans editors who always listen to the advice of their readers: please fire Aaron Wherry.

    • Dear Scott Feschuk: please encourage Brian to comment more often. His stuff is gold.

  10. Cheer up Feschuk – be upbeat – revive!
    Lest Macleans send you to the Arctic, to live out your live (er with me)
    Buy a sun lamp, and be of good cheer
    Sprawl out shirtless with a six pack of beer
    Go to Flickr and enjoy tropical sights
    Sitting in the darkness on cold Canuck nights.

    That's all I got…follow link for flickr reference…