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Devastatingly Astute Observations, Vol. 1


 

I just read that the Liberal Party office in Quebec cannot reveal the ultra-secret list of star candidates running in the next election in Quebec.

This can only mean one thing:

Mitsou.

You had a good run, Stephen Harper. You had a good run.

A new study shows that Botox, the drug used to temporarily “cure” wrinkles, can move from the face to the brain after injection.

You’re probably wondering to yourself: is it a good thing or a bad thing to have the botulism toxin residing in my precious yet fragile brain stem? Well, it depends. Sure, there’s always the risk – as the authors of the study conclude – that this neurotoxin may change the very circuitry of your spinal cord once it enters the brain. But on the upside, your thoughts will look 10 years younger.

Thank you. I’m here all week. Enjoy Boz Scaggs.

Ted Turner says that if we don’t address global warming, the results will prove “catastrophic.” Turner laid out his vision of the future on Charlie Rose’s PBS show: within 30 to 40 years, most crops won’t grow, most people will be dead and “the rest of us will be cannibals.”

First of all, you have to admire Crazy Ted Turner’s use of “the rest of us.” Clearly, the man includes himself in that phrase. Even though he is already 140 years old, Crazy Ted sees himself as one of the survivors four decades hence, marching confidently through his bleak, searing dystopia, stopping only to adjust his silk loin cloth and feast on the remains the less hardy with his good friend Larry King.

Second of all, rampant cannibalism? In just 30 years? I have really got to take better care of my teeth.

Britney and K-Fed are apparently rekindling their romance. There’s talk they may travel to Hawaii for a weekend getaway. Note to Hawaiians: if you even think you might want some Cheetos this weekend, better stock up before their jet lands. I’m just saying.

The successful creation of the world’s first human-cow embryos has been hailed by scientists but labeled a “monstrous” achievement by religious leaders, right-wing politicians and ponies, who assumed we loved them best and would choose to mutate with them first.

But no. Scientists at Newcastle University in England instead injected human DNA into eggs taken from the ovaries of a cow, creating hybrid embryos and at least a half-dozen obvious Rosie O’Donnell jokes. Social conservatives were apoplectic, and not just because the experiment may have given Michael Bay an idea for another crappy movie.

These embryos are intended to provide a limitless supply of stem cells to develop therapies for diseases such as – uh, I don’t know – partial cowism? Opponents insist this is just another dangerous step toward the ultimate perversion of nature, but those involved in the procedure played down its impact. “I don’t understand what the fuss is all about,” said Betsy, a three-year-old Holstein.


 
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