election08: caption challenge #8 (special non-special edition)


The Conservative party’s platform, released yesterday, is actually entitled The True North Strong and Free. Although I ask you: if Stephen Harper wanted to be really patriotic, if he wanted to truly mine the deepest depths of Canadiana, wouldn’t he have also gone to the trouble of tattooing the platform onto Farley Mowat’s back fat?

I say yes.

As a matter of historical interest, the rejected titles for the platform include:

  • You’ll Go Waltzing Matilda With Me
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Desperation
  • The Red Book, But Blue
  • Uncle Steve’s Scary Bedtime Story About the Dangerous Young Recidivist
  • Nothing to See Here
  • Global Warming, Global Schmarming
  • Hobonomics: Life in Canada’s 21st Century Economy

Meanwhile, with election day just one week away, it’s time for another caption challenge:

Today’s winner, to be determined by special guest judge Paul Wells, will receive the gift of being held eternally in high esteem by all who bear witness to this blog. Also just an incredible amount of chocolate, some of it shaped like things.

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election08: caption challenge #8 (special non-special edition)

  1. Oh my God! There’s echo in here! Hello? HELLO??

  2. I refuse to submit another really clever caption until you promise to announce the winners.

  3. F**king stock market – would it have hurt to wait a week, a**holes!!!

  4. Mmm, Kool-aid good!

    (Not so clever)

  5. Archangel: i assure you all the winners have been announced (toward the bottom of the comments section in each challenge) and some have even received their prizes in the mail.

    i like to procrastinate a bit in sending them out so that the sense of disappointment is just that much greater when they finally arrive.

  6. “Here’s the problem…if I just adjust this circuit back here he should be able to give an intelligent answer on the economy.”

  7. “Hey there Stevie. What’s this behind your ear??? Is it a loonie? Nope it’s you platform! Tah dah!”

  8. “Now that’s what I call a one-handed hug.”

  9. “Must…not…cross…fingers. Must…not…”

  10. I can attest that prizes do arrive. Mini-Obama (action figure) and I are very happy together. Though I was disappointed to learn that when he says “change you can believe in”, he really means some quarters and dimes. But all in all, it’s been nice for my Oscar Goldman action figure to have some company…

  11. “hmmmm, I think I see the problem. The mistruth-o-matic is on, but the journalistic-contempto-meter is malfunctioning.”

  12. I don’t think I heard that correctly but did I just get accused of plagarizing again?

  13. I hope the washroom is close by.

  14. Oh no, I think I just swallowed my wisdom tooth!

  15. Scott Feschuk,

    Thank you for that. My bad for not paying attention.

  16. “Dubya, you’ve got to crouch down lower. They’ll be able to see you feeding me the answers.”

  17. Where’s the god damned on switch? Harpers on in 5 minutes!

  18. “Ooh, that feels good! Could you do that a little lower?”

  19. I can also attest to receiving fine, fine gifts from the House of Feschuk.

    And in keeping with the Oscar Goldman theme, here are my (last) two cents:

    ” Colonel Stephen Harper….a man barely alive. We can rebuild him. We have the not-carbon-based-tax-Green-Shift-but-somehow-we-will-invent-it technology.”

  20. *makes sucking noise, thinks*: “Those damn Gymboree labels. Always getting stuck in my in my back molars…”

  21. Hey Buddy, while you’re back there, could you check my gills? I’m doing very little about global warming so it can’t hurt to be prepared.

  22. Oh crap: do I cut the blue wire or the red wire first?

  23. Damn! I think I just sat on my mother’s portfolio!

  24. EEWWWWWW!!! Who dropped that stinky one….wasn’t me!!!!!!!!

  25. Speaking of change you can believe in, I have new ichy underwear on.

  26. They look like teeth marks, made by a , um , beaver?

  27. A Conservative Party technician attempts to reattach the HarperBot’s head in time for a scheduled press conference.

  28. CBC head of production.
    “No No you guys surround him and yell meaningless Marxist blather over each other, I’l be behind him with the camera.”

  29. “There aren’t any jacks for the CBC feed back here”
    “Toronto we have a problem”

  30. “Can you see what is wrong with my emotion microchip? The guy at the cyborg refurbishment place said it was the same one as for that Data guy in those Star Trek movies. He even laughs, and it looks real!”

  31. Stephen Harper, known for his impressions, does his version of Lieutenant Commander Data for the crowd.

  32. “Lift your head more , Yeah you’re right Jack, your profile is almost dignified from back here “

  33. Caption:
    “In the olden times, if you were going to be on TV and nature called, you’d have to get up and walk to the bathroom. It was the hardest thing in the world to do. But now, with the Lazy-Man Toiler Chair, you can just lean back and let ‘er rip!”

  34. great. now try the right hand.

  35. Jack Layton getting a look at hair.

  36. no no. my right. your left.

  37. My vote goes to Anon or RyanD. Hilarious.

  38. “The front cleaned up OK; Could you please see if you could wipe off some of the spittle from the back now”

  39. “Anyone have a phillips?”

  40. G Betts

  41. “Keep looking there should be 3 knives and a sharpened stick”

  42. Now, hold still Mr. Harper. You will feel some slight pressure as I install the empathy chip.

  43. Brian Mulroney, still hoping for public adulation, struggles to don the Stephen Harper mask before the press enters.

  44. “Aha!! There’s the problem. George messed up the ‘smile’ and ‘cry’ controls the last time he used this puppet.”

  45. Almost… almost… – yes, there we go! Ok, now turn your head and cough.

  46. Stephen Harper takes a moment to reflect on what an insightful, well-written piece of work Right Side Up was, how Paul Wells is truly Canada’s finest journalist and how MacLeans does not pay him enough.

    /ingratiating self with judge

  47. Where’s that draft coming from anyway?

  48. We were finally able to download a compliation of appropriate speeches to steal *cough*cough* draw inspiration from but someone put them on floppy disk. Harper 3.0 doesn’t have a floppy drive, who uses a floppy drive? It’s as old as our environmental policies for christs sake. Somebody fire an advisor and get me a flash drive ASAP! We’re on in five!

  49. After getting a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth, Harper reconsiders his personal green shift.

  50. “She’ll be on this side, that’s why we gave you the shot, now hold still and I’ll put in the ear plug before she gets here”

  51. “No I’m the earpiece guy now, but, Yes I used to write speeches for “Da Cretch”, thanks for noticing Mr Prime Minister sir.”

  52. “Damn! I thought the range of this earpiece only extended to Washington. How the HELL did he pick up Australia?”

  53. Aided by a physiologist to point out the proper muscles, Harper attempts to smile in a way that isn’t creepy.

  54. “No; This is tongue in cheek, that was supposed to be Canada’s “leadership debate”

  55. “Measure all you want Stephan, mine’s bigger”

  56. “Mmmm.. MMM, Oh that was good, I love it when socialists bring their lunch”

  57. Heres the problem, your slot doesnt take the generic micro SD, you have to purchase the propriatary SONY card.

  58. root canal’s screwed up my reception

  59. “Yup, permanent hearing damage, what did I tell you about sitting too close to high pitched screeching noises”

  60. “It doesn’t matter how gently you kiss my neck, you’re not going to be a cabinet minister!”

  61. “Mmm hmm; Sure this thing will translate Dion’s english into real english”

  62. Jack read the rules, “No Touching”

  63. “Hmmm, Gee, tough one.
    I know I’ll never get this one, but uhm,..”the queen of France !?”

  64. “Ok guys I fixed the 404 File Not Found error. Here’s the platform! Heh, turns out it WAS under the sweatervest directory!”

  65. You have to be more careful with these Joe Sixpack photo ops, Mr. Prime Minister. This is the third fishhook we’ve had to remove from your ear this week alone.

  66. Alfonse Cahbagliano tries to insert another brain worm into Canada’s politics.

  67. “Mmm hilarious halloween costume, Jack, now take your finger out, they’re supposed to be YOUR ears, “Mr Hear No Evil”.

  68. “Oh yeah, you like that here’s some more tongue in cheek; this is a debate between Canada’s,…Mmmmph ,… leaders”

  69. “That emotion chip never worked anyways…”

  70. “Mm mm, I can still hear her”

  71. mmm cheap stocks….

  72. “Again, thanks for installing the rear-facing eyes. I just have this feeling that someone keeps on creeping up on me and I just can’t shake it, no matter how hard I smile.”

  73. “Doctor…I smell…burnt toast!!!”

  74. Caption:
    Cameras catch CBC makeup man and one of the noted “5000 artists” famously living large in Jack Layton riding, furiously trying to install mullet extensions on unsuspecting Prime Minister, seconds before going into what the Trudeau era artifact sells as “a debate”.

  75. “Nope doesn’t work Steph; Your right hand is holding my ear, but I can still feel your left hand taking my wallet.”

  76. I don’t think sending chocolate to richfisher would be a very good idea…

  77. Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five. Wait, that can’t be right. This time I’ll start with the upper right molar. One, two…

  78. How did a miniature Eddie Murphy get in there?

  79. “Champagne is for socialists”?
    “I’m NOT entitled to my entitlement”?

    Sean S., fixated on the payoff, and willing to change the rules half way through the contest, thy name is “liberal fascist”

  80. “Just in case, Mr. Harper is practicing eating crow”

  81. Hey, that tickles.

  82. Mr. Harper, before the announcement of $25-million over 3 years for more spitoons.

    “They told me flavoured chewing tobacco wasn’t addictive! Orange, banana split, crow, cherry, keylime, chocolate, apple, orange, strawberry-lime, raspberry, grape… mojito, cranberry, lemonade, candy corn, grape, licorice, gingerbread, egg nog, mint, jelly doughnut, pineapple, pumpkin, hazelnut…”

  83. Nope, nothin’ in there but cobwebs…

  84. Now which one of these is the tin one again? Oh, both ears! I should’ve known.

  85. “hmmm, I wonder how many lefties will check if I am hiding under their bed tonight…hahaha!”

  86. Conservative Leader Stephen Harper filling his mouth with saliva, later used in a dramatic spit-take when asked about the Liberal carbon tax.

  87. Q: What’s red and white and hangs between Harper’s legs?

    A: PVL’s tie.

  88. What Australian? There’s no John H … I mean Australian behind me.

  89. (assistant to the PM, off screen)
    Fix the damn chip, you fool! He only has to appear human for another week- and we’d still be in majority territory if *someone* hadn’t decided to replace the Vest 2.0 with some fancy-schmancy implant!

  90. “I did check it, and I’m telling you this must be the only one ever made WITHOUT a hand slot for Maurice Strong.”

  91. Memo to self: If this man can do something about my hair, then he MUST be able to work his magic on my campaign.

  92. “Prime Minister, there will be a slight pinch when I switch out the ‘Strong leader in a sweater’ module for the upgraded ‘We’ve got a platform’ module.”

  93. Once I finish this quick hair trim, I’ll apply the leeches for a few minutes. Then you’ll be good to go.

  94. Here come da judge…

  95. I hereby announce my judgement…

  96. Is the suspense killing you yet?

  97. And the prize goes to richfisher, who’s seventeenth-time lucky (is there a limit on the number of times one clearly underworked reader can enter?) with his last entry. The Maurice Strong one. I liked how he managed to find a caption that *flatters* the PM, who could use some good news right about now.

  98. Rich, send Feschuk your address and he’ll send yummy snacks as your reward.

  99. “underworked”!! … How hard was your part?
    Thanks for the grub, you have excellent taste.

  100. Send him a Thesaurus instead.

  101. Conservative electrician accidently crosses circuit wiring which produce the following Harper expressions:

    a)Cheshire cat grin
    b)Forest Gump impression

  102. This was by far the most successful caption challenge you’ve hosted all campaign, Scott. Congrats. It seems there may be hope for our democratic future yet! In so far as that future involves toilet, dentistry, and oral sex jokes. Which I really think it should.

  103. Ohhhh don’t be a sore loser Dot , come on over on election night and I’ll give you some of my MACLEANS chocolate.
    Thanks again readers, Scott and Paul.

    Apologize for the rotten spelling and punctuation.

  104. “I find it had to believe a mullet will help, but whatever…”

  105. Hey Marty, I found the Flux Capacitor, but I don’t know how I will be able to generate the 1.21 giggawatts of electricity . . .

  106. “…I wonder if there were enough photos of me with Canadians in the platform. Did I remember to insert that one with a minority group? Shoot, I should remember to visit Toronto and Montreal for better photo ops. Can’t look to white.”

  107. “Where’s the RCMP when you need them?”

  108. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain…er…um…I mean behind me. I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL STEVEN HARPER!

  109. Tired of hiding since “Puffingate”, Ryan Sparrow re-emerges from the back of Harper’s skull.

  110. will you share please

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