New York magazine reports that George W. Bush will give a speech next week at a “Get Motivated!” business seminar – an event that promises to pack “more into a single, life-changing day than any other event in America.” (Think of it as Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but with a complimentary tote bag.)
Tickets for the seminar? Nineteen bucks apiece – which, if nothing else, makes it the cheapest way to change your life forever short of buying Lindsay Lohan a drink.
What kind of advicery will the former President have for the people of Fort Worth, Texas?
George W. Bush’s 10 tips for business success:
1. “Just do what Mr. Cheney says.”
2. “Nicknames: very important. Every employee needs one. If they’re taller than 5-foot-10 – call ’em Stretch. If they’re shorter than 5-foot-6 – call ’em Stretch, but in a way that’s ironical. Might help to wink when you say it. Everyone else: just put a “y” sound in there. Rummy, Brownie, Condi. Now here’s where it gets tricky: If the name already ends with a “y” sound, you gotta remove it – like the way it was with Kof at the UN or Tone over in England. Don’t worry, it gets easier after six or seven years.”
3. “Don’t be bummed by criticalisms. I never let it bug me when those polls said I’m the worst president in the history of ever. I mean, come on: worse than the evil one from 24? I question that.”
4. “If you ever happen to be doing business with the German lady president, don’t rub her shoulders. Gets all uppity.”
5. “I don’t know – maybe invent something cool?”
6. “If one of your vice-presidents ever shoots someone in the face, just accept that it was an accident, okay? Although after it happens a couple times you’ll start to wonder.”
7. “Don’t worry if you make mistakes. It happens. Like, for me, there was the war. And the other war. The financial meltdown. Waterboarding. That hurricane with the girl’s name. How was I supposed to know about things like collateralized debt obligations, basic human rights and waves? Some people were even mad at me about Bernie Madoff and his Potsie scheme. Like I could have stopped him if The Fonz couldn’t!”
8. “Sometimes in business meetings there are muffins. The ones with the slice of apple on top are apple muffins. Clue the boss into that and – bango! – promotion time.”
9. “Always remember that you are the Decider. That means you’re the one who has to make the decidisions. Maybe get a crown of some kind – helps you to remember.”
10. “You want to be successful in business? Here’s my Dad’s home phone number. Calling it always worked for me.”