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George W. Bush’s tips for business success

Scott Feschuk on the lessons Dubya learned in the White House


 

091021_bush_wideNew York magazine reports that George W. Bush will give a speech next week at a “Get Motivated!” business seminar – an event that promises to pack “more into a single, life-changing day than any other event in America.” (Think of it as Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but with a complimentary tote bag.)

Tickets for the seminar? Nineteen bucks apiece – which, if nothing else, makes it the cheapest way to change your life forever short of buying Lindsay Lohan a drink.

What kind of advicery will the former President have for the people of Fort Worth, Texas?

George W. Bush’s 10 tips for business success:

1. “Just do what Mr. Cheney says.”

2. “Nicknames: very important. Every employee needs one. If they’re taller than 5-foot-10 – call ’em Stretch. If they’re shorter than 5-foot-6 – call ’em Stretch, but in a way that’s ironical. Might help to wink when you say it. Everyone else: just put a “y” sound in there. Rummy, Brownie, Condi. Now here’s where it gets tricky: If the name already ends with a “y” sound, you gotta remove it – like the way it was with Kof at the UN or Tone over in England. Don’t worry, it gets easier after six or seven years.”

3. “Don’t be bummed by criticalisms. I never let it bug me when those polls said I’m the worst president in the history of ever. I mean, come on: worse than the evil one from 24? I question that.”

4. “If you ever happen to be doing business with the German lady president, don’t rub her shoulders. Gets all uppity.”

5. “I don’t know – maybe invent something cool?”

6. “If one of your vice-presidents ever shoots someone in the face, just accept that it was an accident, okay? Although after it happens a couple times you’ll start to wonder.”

7.  “Don’t worry if you make mistakes. It happens. Like, for me, there was the war. And the other war. The financial meltdown. Waterboarding. That hurricane with the girl’s name. How was I supposed to know about things like collateralized debt obligations, basic human rights and waves? Some people were even mad at me about Bernie Madoff and his Potsie scheme. Like I could have stopped him if The Fonz couldn’t!”

8. “Sometimes in business meetings there are muffins. The ones with the slice of apple on top are apple muffins. Clue the boss into that and – bango! – promotion time.”

9. “Always remember that you are the Decider. That means you’re the one who has to make the decidisions. Maybe get a crown of some kind – helps you to remember.”

10. “You want to be successful in business? Here’s my Dad’s home phone number. Calling it always worked for me.”


 
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George W. Bush’s tips for business success

  1. There's nothing about this war criminal that is remotely amusing.

    • War Crimminal? Get a grip hippie

  2. He just keeps on giving.

  3. 11. Get to know Chad. He's a good guy to hang with.

    • Nice, but 7 hours later and only +3? What gives?

  4. First Palin, then W. It's like Feschuk's humour is moving back in time. I suppose the next breaking news is that Bush Sr. doesn't like broccoli and that Gerald Ford falls down a lot.

    • Haven't you realized yet that the MSM (except for Fox News) is not allowed to talk about The Obama in anything by glowing terms. If they do they will be on the White House's hit list or if they do what SNL did, they will have a comedy skit fact checked by CNN. Journalists – our moral superiors – not quite!!

  5. Bush Sr. doesn't like broccoli?! Oh man, give me ten minutes…

  6. Still waiting on that 'Hitler has one nut' bit, if you don't mind…

  7. Calvin Coolidge – What exactly is he doing with all those animals?

  8. Stop distracting the man. He hasn't even held forth about Elizabeth I on that very same topic.

  9. I think you meant Catherine the Great.

  10. i'm doing my best – kinda tied up working on some breaking stuff about senators being old and bankers being greedy.

  11. Haven't you heard?! W is doing the circuit. He'll be appearing in your town soon. There's loads more funny stuff to come …. from W and (therefore) Scott too.

  12. Well, if you're going for the obvious, sure…

  13. Stop the presses!

  14. Isn't the first part of point #2 ripped off from John Stewart? Or maybe it's recycled Scott Feschuk… either way, still funny.

    • I recycle all the time. My office is the world's biggest blue box.

  15. I like a good Bush joke, his texan folkiness begs for it. But the guy is actually a pretty entertaining, engaging and passionate speaker; as I saw today. I was equally impressed by Bill Clinton last month, and actually found there to be a lot of similarities in their post-office passions and reflections on the office.
    Unfortunately, in both cases, I had to pay a lot more than $19 for a ticket.

  16. You mean Bush stole Clinton's hobbies? Or that the price of cuban cigars have gone up?

  17. Still waiting for the first Obama jokes on these pages, we've been seeing Bush jokes for 9 years.

  18. i love blanket statements. they're so cozy, even when they're dumb.

  19. Oh to have seen Dubya and Dan Quayle in office at the same time.

    The comedy industry would have been bigger than Wall Street.

    But hold on, who would have been the straight man?

  20. 19 Bucks to heckle Bush-y? What a bargain! Of course one would have to dumb down the heckles so 'stretch' gets it. And as poetic justice goes, if a $19/seat gig is the best W can get then all is right in the world.

  21. If you're claiming there are Obama jokes somewhere (other than on Mark Steyn's pages, he's always got plenty), then I believe you, and I take back my dumb comment. Obama is the one in charge these days, he should be getting the brunt of the jokes (I know, the hope-and-changers are always saying there's nothing funny about the teleprompting, "let-me-me-clear"-repeating, trillion-dollar-deficit-budget-balancing, community-organizing dynamo).

  22. obama has to do something first

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