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give harper two more years of practice and he’ll get it right


 

Urgent Memo
To Conservative Labs
From Campaign HQ

What the hell is going on down there? You guys told us you’d fixed all the bugs in the Emotion Simulator of Cyborg CDF-34298 (“Stephen Harper”).

In 2006, this very same unit sent “its” kids off to school with a firm handshake. A handshake!! That cock-up almost resulted in this whole top-secret organization being exposed.

So we went back to the drawing board. You assured us you’d successfully installed in “Stephen Harper” the new Huggability 3.0 protocols and the full suite of Tenderness facsimiles.

And then it walks “its” daughter to school today in front of all those cameras (the cameras being the sole reason it walked her to school) and – pats her on the shoulder? On the shoulder! Sweet bearded Jesus. Although I suppose we should feel fortunate that its High Five modulator didn’t kick in.

Is there anyone down there who can drag himself away from Guitar Hero long enough to recalibrate this model’s entire PseudoHumanity™ matrix? We’ve got, like, 24 hours til the debate to reboot the Quebecois subsystems and get the unit fitted for a beret.

And do us a favour – make it stop smiling. The batteries can’t take that kind of punishment.


 

give harper two more years of practice and he’ll get it right

  1. LOL That was good.

    The shoulder pat thing speaks volumes. Those kids are desperate for some kind of emotional involvement with their father and he just isn’t there for them. I don’t know who to feel more sorry for….his kids, or all the rest of us Canadians.

  2. So glad I stop buying this magazine. Now this magazine is attacking Harpers kids.

    Macleans is a joke.

  3. C’mon Scott,

    Keep the jokes out of your humour blog, would ya?

    [this all reminds me a bit of the odd time when my side of the family, who are “huggers”, gets together with my wife’s side of the family, who are decidely not “huggers”. Awkward doesn’t begin to describe it…]

  4. Unfortunately, if you use your family members for political gain, you also put them in the line of fire.

  5. comment by kontrol on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 at 12:30 pm:

    Unfortunately, if you use your family members for political gain, you also put them in the line of fire.

    Agree kontrol – a rerun of Palin in the US. Sweater vests, taxpayer makeup artists.

  6. Jk,

    Not to give your idiotic comment credence by replying to it, but how exactly is this piece of satire attacking Harper’s kids??? If anything, it’s a cry for help on behalf of Harper’s kids. It’s sad that it seems the PM needs to be prodded into hugging his own kids (after being condemned a whole election ago for not hugging his own kids) but I don’t see how wishing that the PM would give his daughter a hug constitutes attacking her!

    Unless of course you think that a hug from Stephen Harper would be so horrific and awkward that no child should be exposed to such treatment, not even his own kin. Come to think of it, that kinda makes sense. Knock it off Feschuk. It’s bad enough that this poor girl is being used for a photo-op, now you want her to endure a hug from blue sweater man!?!?!

    That’s beyond the pale.

  7. The above said, some people just aren’t huggers, and fair enough. But if your family’s not big on PDAs (and again, fair enough), AND you were attacked in the last election for not demonstrating any affection towards your children in public, perhaps it would be best to knock off the “walking my kids to school” photo ops. It seems the whole point of this exercise was to show a more “touchy-feely” side of Harper, and then he goes out and gives his daughter a friendly pat on the shoulder. It’s horrible to use one’s kids for a photo-op at all, but why even bother if you’re going to do it so ineptly? Hug your kid goodbye at the end of the photo-op or DON’T DO THE PHOTO-OP!

    It’s not rocket science Mr. “Master Strategist”.

  8. At least the new Apology 1.0 subroutine seems to be working. As I recall, Harper had a tough time last election apologizing for anything, but this time around he’s doing much better.

  9. Agree with Harper.Adult sentences imposed also on underaged youth for Vicious crimes.BUT open a special section to prevent”fresh Meat” to queers. Scrap millions to reopen plant in Windsor.900 votes!Use $$ for Special Needs kids etc.Scrap money to show our Arts to Europe?Who needs Governor General.Would save loads of $$$$.So much waste when millions of Canadians are below poverty line.Let us buy “illegal” or lower prices on cigarettes.Harper,dont open new comissions to friends.Canada is a third world country many ways.Wake up & smell the coffee.

  10. All MP’s should cancel “chauffeurs”.Too good to drive themselves?Use $$ to help Special Needs,dirt poor,raise seniors pension $1000.00 a year.Just the extra perks MPs get would sure help a lot of people.Stop increasing theirpensions.All MPs are rich.Seems they think they are SO POOR!!Wish a lot of us were that poor.My heart bleeds for @$$#!@@greedy lying hypocrites.Stop wasting & save for wrothwhile causes and

  11. All MP’s should cancel “chauffeurs”.Too good to drive themselves?Use $$ to help Special Needs,dirt poor,raise seniors pension $1000.00 a year.Just the extra perks MPs get would sure help a lot of people.Stop increasing theirpensions.All MPs are rich.Seems they think they are SO POOR!!Wish a lot of us were that poor.My heart bleeds for @$$#!@@greedy lying hypocrites.Stop wasting & save for worthwhile causes.Poll asked what I thoughtof the election.I said hard to decide which GARBBAGE CAN is the cleanest then said thank you and hung up.SOME POLL!!!! 3 more polls cancelled.

  12. Say…aren’t you the same jackass who ran Paul Martin’s war room in 2006 — the worst campaign in recent memory. Now you’re telling tasteless jokes about Harper’s fathering qualities? Maybe you can put together a good joke about cancer patients?

    I’ve cancelled my Macleans subscription – which will be in effect for as long as you work there -weinerboy.

  13. That’s WeinerMAN Brian.

    And when the robots shift from wearing blue sweaters and feigning human “emotions”, to the killing and the burning and the “Oh God make the robots stop!” (and you know it’s coming) you’ll change your tune about Weinerman.

    ‘Cause he has a plan.

    You may not like his satire, but Weinerman will save us from the robot Apocalypse. I have faith.

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