God sayeth: invest in oil, gold and cases upon cases of my delicious protein shake - Macleans.ca
 

God sayeth: invest in oil, gold and cases upon cases of my delicious protein shake


 

One of the New Year’s traditions I cherish most is eagerly waiting to discover how God is doing, and what He’s got up His billowy white sleeve for us – and, more specifically, for the market price of oil and gold.

Turns out that God plans to send gold rising to $3,000 an ounce and oil to $300 a barrel during 2009. How do I know this will occur? I know it because Pat Robertson, host of The 700 Club, has had his annual conversation with God – FYI, God is apparently fine, keeping busy, thanks for asking – and, as has become custom, Robertson has passed along to us the basic contours of the year to come, all while simultaneously guarding God’s privacy by refusing to divulge what the Lord Almighty was wearing for the chat or who will win today’s 7th race at Santa Anita.

For 2009, Robertson says God says commodity prices will soar, the U.S. will essentially become a socialist nation and the economic crisis will abate sooner than expected. “Cast off the gloom and doom because things are getting ready to turn around,” Robertson told his television audience.

The religious broadcaster chats with God every year around the holidays, which is a nice tradition and everything – except that Robertson’s record of passing along details of God’s plan is, well, sketchy at best. In 2006, for instance, he said that He said that a tsunami would crash into the U.S. coastline. In 2007, he claimed He claimed that the U.S. would suffer a terrorist attack resulting in a “mass killing” possibly involving millions of people.

Who knows how the details of these conversations get messed up. Maybe Robertson just starts zoning out after a while. You know how it is – you’ve got things to do and God just won’t stop going on about his latest smitings and where next his image will appear in a cinnamon bun or nacho chip or whatever. The mind wanders.

Meanwhile, Robertson continues to stand by his claim that a few years back, when he was 73 years old, he successfully leg-pressed 2,000 pounds – more than three times the weight typically pressed by the strongest of professional football players. Robertson, now in his late seventies, attributes his remarkable achievement to “an age-defying protein shake,” plenty of exercise and the fact that he’s lying.

In a totally unrelated complete coincidence, Robertson just so happens to be peddling a “diet shake” that “makes people strong and keeps them youthful.”  I’m no nutritionist, but the product seems to focus on reducing back strain by lightening the wallets of the dim-witted.


 
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God sayeth: invest in oil, gold and cases upon cases of my delicious protein shake

  1. I’m glad someone can find something to giggle about with regard to this depraved, criminal charlatan.

  2. “the U.S. will essentially become a socialist nation and the economic crisis will abate sooner than expected.”

    I don’t think Robertson was listening very well. If U.S. is becoming socialist nation, which it is, than economic crisis will last longer than expected, not abate, because socialism is all about creating poverty for everyone.

    Unless that’s what God wants, for everyone to be poor and beggared, than crisis will definitely be over soon.

    • Really? You’re addressing a man who’s recounting his supposed *conversation with god* and calling him out for intellectual inconsistency?

      Next time I see a crack-addled transvestite, I’m going to call her out for poor colour coordination :)

      • Jwl just had to rail about socialism. It’s a Pavlovian response.

        The US is not becoming more socialist. It always has been, in more ways than Canada could ever hope to be, since our brand of socialism (once described by Barbara Amiel as ‘milquetoast’) targets the undeserving, whereas the US brand of socialism targets those whom God smiles upon.

        • The undeserving? Just who are these deserving ones? I can think of a few possible groups you are elevating to this superior status: WASPs, so that you mark yourself as a racist (good job, genius); people who are successful, in which you throw stigma at poverty and totally miss the point of socialism in one fell swoop; or Christians in general. Based on your comment about God, the lattermost seems likely.
          Socialism is based on the concept of an equal society, and someone who considers the concept of ¨those whom God smiles upon¨ will not be taken seriously by competent economists.

    • Actually, it is what God wants, for us all to be poor. Read the New Testament, where rich people are denied entry to Heaven….

      • They’re not “denied entry” outright, so much as their likelyhood of entering the kingdom of heaven is compared to a camel going through the eye of a needle. To which I say: what about those huge novelty needles?

        I’ve found the first Biblical loophole!

        • Sorry to disillusion you, Olaf. Biblical loopholes are a dime-a-dozen. And the biggest one is:

          “With God all things are possible” . Matthew 19:26

          Can be used to cover all situations, and easy to remember, too.

    • Socialism is not about creating poverty for everyone. It is about equal redistribution of wealth, so that there are no millionaires but no homeless people either. Sorry if not being able to afford a Ferrari makes you feel hard done by, but tough: nobody is looking for ignorant generalizations or childish spouting.

  3. Okay, we know that God rests on Sundays, particluarly on Wildcard Weekend, so surely he would have imparted his Superbowl picks to Robertson. Give ’em up Robertson!

  4. Its 2009. Lets call a spade a spade. Anyone who claims that an invisible man controls the universe is clearly mentally ill, and should be medicated.

    • What makes you so sure he isn’t?

    • Amen!

      No, wait…

  5. I feel sorry for for rich and famous preachers who make their living deceiving people (either intentionally or by affect) as anyone who can read, if they take the time and actually read the bible especially the red letter book = the words and teachings of christ in red. Because if they do they will notice that there was a consistent and constant theme of his teachings and the conclusion strange. It wasn’t pagans, romans, sexual immorality or war and all the usual stuff that Christ was constantly talking about and warning against … instead it was the rich, self-righteous and hypocrites who he had a problem with. One of my favourite responses to a question to christ and unusually answered directly as jesus seemed to really like parables – but not this time – was the man who approached jesus and asked what it would take to achieve eternal life = jesus answered keep the commandments (the guy said he had since he was a child (liar)) and jesus then answered and told him to give away all of his money to the poor – needless to say the man left sad. There also seems to be only 2 things that got jesus angry and literally that he hated = yes virginia jesus hates things. Pharisees (the pompous self righteous upper elite religious law givers of their time and those that took money in exchange for temple gifts to sacrifice = If I were Pat Robertson and anyone of his ilk I would be very worried, if I actually believed in what I preached and last but not least does anyone out there realize that according to christian doctrine that there is only ONE unforgivable sin? check it out re: balspheming the holy spirit and an example of this would be using a spiritual principle for personal gain say pedophilia by a priest or stealing a parishioner’s money that was going to either widows or orphans and by the way if a church is not helping widows or orphans by definition it is not a real church = this is repeated several times !

    • There are actually TWO unforgivable sins.

      The other one is run-on sentences.

      • the third is awkward use of “=”

  6. In case you’re bored and looking for someone who writes even longer rants than I do (better informed ones, too), check out:

    jesusneverexisted.com

  7. Cdn, stop being a conspiracy-website spammer. Scott’s a god-damn genius, let’s leave it at that.
    Can of worms, as usual.

  8. The article was top notch and it made my day, until I read the comments. Classic.

    PS: Classic = I love the comments.