Hail the return of the prodigal bro

Are you troubled? Have you hit rock bottom? Do not fear, mortal—for assistance is on its way.

Tiger Woods is coming to help you.

Forget about how he performs at the Masters or the year’s other golf majors. What matters is that a 40-day stint in rehab has completely cured Tiger of his horrible illness. He no longer suffers from the dreaded Having Sex With Pretty Ladies disease. In fact, he’s so cured that he is now ready to tackle your problems.

Speaking at his first press conference since, well, you know—and referring to reporters by their nicknames and, in the case of one lucky scribe, as “my bro”—Woods strived to demonstrate that he is a changed man. He said things like, “It’s not about the championships—it’s about how you live your life.” (This would have been a laugh line to the Tiger Woods of a year ago, just as it will likely be to the Tiger Woods of a year from now.) And he spoke in the coded, wounded parlance of the rehabbed.

Reporter: Tiger, how did you fool so many people for so long?

Tiger: [voice softens] You know, Tom—I fooled myself, as well.

In the TV movie of Huge, Quickly: The Tiger Woods Story, that’s where the violins will kick in. Cue the Montage of Floozies.

But that was so five months ago. Now, Tiger is getting into the people-fixing business. “In order to help people, you have to first learn how to help yourself,” he said. “When I was in treatment, I wrote that down, and I looked at it every day. [Now] I can help more people going forward, infinitely more than I did prior to all this.”

Addicted to drugs or alcohol? Caught up in a web of lies? Constantly having wild sex with upwards of 18 different women who are not your wife? Tiger Woods is here to help. He has taken a hard look at himself. He has “cut through the denial.” And he has found a new, thicker layer of denial—the vaguely messianic belief that a month of treatment and a head full of therapy buzzwords like “peace” and “balance” qualify him to minister to the masses.

In his mind, we are all witness to the return of the prodigal bro. He was lost but now he is, like, found. And cured. And totally awesome, dude.

For those in need of assistance from Tiger Woods, I have prepared this helpful Q & A:

Q: How will I know when Tiger Woods is coming to help me?

A: You will hear a whoosh in the sky, followed by a flash of red. You may feel a hand on your shoulder or, if you are attractive and a lady, somewhere lower. Do not resist.

Q: How do I contact Tiger Woods to let him know I need help?

A: Do not attempt to contact Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods will sense your pain and come to you.

Q: Am I really supposed to buy into Tiger’s line that he is suddenly a superior human being? That he has recalibrated his priorities to put family first and golf second? That mere months ago he was a wreck of a man but today he is qualified to guide and lecture others? I mean, the guy showed up to the news conference with a goatee. A goatee does not say, “I am keen to begin rebuilding my image as a decent and loyal family man.” The goatee says, “I am the evil twin of the leading character on your soap opera and I am here to ravish the mayor’s virgin daughter.”

A: That was not a goatee. He grew that thick ring of hair around his mouth to stop the lies from getting out.

If you doubt the ability of Tiger Woods to help you with your problems, consider how quickly he has solved his own.

For instance, he admits that he used to “under-appreciate” golf fans. But now he appreciates them because the ones at Augusta were nice to him when he played his first practice round. And, really, that’s what makes a golf fan worthy of being appreciated—not his affection for the game nor his willingness to pay to view it. To be appreciated as a fan by Tiger, one must appreciate Tiger as a fan.

And if you don’t yet appreciate Tiger 2.0, then Tiger is here to help with that, too.

He’s got lots of new pledges: to be less angry and more loyal and to learn to cherish his children’s birthdays, even if it means his lady friends have to wait a little longer inside the cake.

“I can help more people going forward?.?.?.?I want to help more people that haven’t quite learned how to help themselves, just like how I was.” Got that? How he was. He’s all better now. Heck, not just better—he has emerged from counselling imbued with the superhuman strength required to help not only himself but all of mankind. Take that, human failings.

Tiger spent a restless sleep being visited by the Ghost of Porn Stars Past and now he’s Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol. He’s seen the light. He’s a paragon of virtue and kindness.
God help us, everyone.