Baby Jesus: the Blog
User Profile: I am the Son of God, the Prince of Peace and the Messiah. I am also good with tools.
Likes: Carpentry, Fish, Hugs
Dislikes: Money-changers, Cruelty, Shaving
What I’m Doing Right Now: Various people are bringing me laud
4:33 a.m. Hi, I’m Baby Jesus. Welcome to my blog! It’s a place where I can write down my feelings about stuff and junk, tell you about what’s going down here in B-hem and keep you up to date on the redeeming of mankind. Enjoy!
4:54 So this is antiquity. Question: are there always this many cows around?
7:22 I don’t know about these swaddling clothes. Swaddling is pretty 10 B.M. (Before Me) if you know what I’m saying. What do you think? Answer my online poll.
10:36 Just spent the last 90 minutes being adored. Next up: an hour, maybe two, of being beheld. Surprisingly fatiguing.
11:51 Man, this is awkward. There’s this kid who’s been playing his drum for me for, like, ever. Which is great and everything, and the ox and lamb seem to be enjoying themselves—but has no one in this town heard of a melody? Maybe if I smile at him he’ll stop.
12:08 p.m. Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum. Oh great, now that’s going to be in my head all day.
1:39 Let’s take a question from the mailbag. Shepherd23987612 asks: “Baby Jesus, will sinners burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity or for a finite period that reflects the severity of their transgressions?” Good question, Shepherd239etc. (Spoiler alert!) Eternity. Remember: I don’t make the rules, I just serve as a physical manifestation of the omnipotent deity who does.
2:12 While it is true there are no limits to my capacity for forgiveness, let’s try to keep things civilized in the comments section, okay? It’s getting out of hand. Kill everyone under the age of 2? That’s real classy, KingHerodRocks.
3:03 Angels. They are beautiful. Truly one of God’s most inspired creations. I just had no idea how much they shed. There are feathers everywhere.
3:08 How’s this sound: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto other others.” Needs work, right? I’ll give it a polish.
3:22 A new batch of shepherds just showed up. I’m going to liveblog it:
• 3:22:08 Bowing.
• 3:23:44 Kneeling.
• 3:25:16 I think I saw a full-on genuflect there.
• 3:26:11 And again with the bowing.
5:46 Frankincense and myrrh?? I guess it’s true what they say—you really can’t have too much aromatic resin.
6:18 Back to the mailbag. Shepherd 123954644 asks: “How would you feel if over the course of many centuries the joyful celebration of the miracle of your virgin birth was slowly but inexorably transformed into an increasingly secular event characterized by binge eating, an insatiable lust for consumer goods and blindly pagan reverence for a mythical, chronically obese, gift-giving hermit?”
Honest answer: I’d be a bit bummed. That said, what’s with all the cynicism? Doesn’t anyone have a question for me about the Good News I bring and the fact that I am both the light and the way?
8:44 I’ve had to turn off this blog’s comments feature—some of the stuff was really getting personal. (Yes, I’m talking to you, JesusSucks.)
I’m sorry about the brightness of the star over my manger—but it’s an essential part of the overall effect. It wouldn’t be much of a “star of wonder” if shepherds had to stand around debating which one it was, would it? Sorry you walked all the way to Sidon because you followed the wrong star, Wise Men, but Almighty God had to respect municipal bylaws relating to light pollution. Jesus!
Oh, great, you’ve made me take me in vain. Thanks a lot.
Also, an important note: while yes, technically speaking, I am responsible for all these shepherds wandering into town, that does not mean I have to cover their bar tabs.
9:17 Just talked to the Holy Father. Asked if there’s a different species I could be redeeming. He’s going to get back to me after he predetermines the outcome of today’s chariot race.