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Hi! I’m Baby Jesus. Hope you enjoy my blog!

A new batch of shepherds showed up. I’m liveblogging it. 3:22 Bowing. 3:23 Kneeling.


 

Hi! I’m Baby Jesus. Hope you enjoy my blog!

Baby Jesus: the Blog

User Profile: I am the Son of God, the Prince of Peace and the Messiah. I am also good with tools.

Likes: Carpentry, Fish, Hugs

Dislikes: Money-changers, Cruelty, Shaving

What I’m Doing Right Now: Various people are bringing me laud

12/25/0

4:33 a.m. Hi, I’m Baby Jesus. Welcome to my blog! It’s a place where I can write down my feelings about stuff and junk, tell you about what’s going down here in B-hem and keep you up to date on the redeeming of mankind. Enjoy!

4:54 So this is antiquity. Question: are there always this many cows around?

7:22 I don’t know about these swaddling clothes. Swaddling is pretty 10 B.M. (Before Me) if you know what I’m saying. What do you think? Answer my online poll.

10:36 Just spent the last 90 minutes being adored. Next up: an hour, maybe two, of being beheld. Surprisingly fatiguing.

11:51 Man, this is awkward. There’s this kid who’s been playing his drum for me for, like, ever. Which is great and everything, and the ox and lamb seem to be enjoying themselves—but has no one in this town heard of a melody? Maybe if I smile at him he’ll stop.

12:08 p.m. Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum. Oh great, now that’s going to be in my head all day.

1:39 Let’s take a question from the mailbag. Shepherd23987612 asks: “Baby Jesus, will sinners burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity or for a finite period that reflects the severity of their transgressions?” Good question, Shepherd239etc. (Spoiler alert!) Eternity. Remember: I don’t make the rules, I just serve as a physical manifestation of the omnipotent deity who does.

2:12 While it is true there are no limits to my capacity for forgiveness, let’s try to keep things civilized in the comments section, okay? It’s getting out of hand. Kill everyone under the age of 2? That’s real classy, KingHerodRocks.

3:03 Angels. They are beautiful. Truly one of God’s most inspired creations. I just had no idea how much they shed. There are feathers everywhere.

3:08 How’s this sound: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto other others.” Needs work, right? I’ll give it a polish.

3:22 A new batch of shepherds just showed up. I’m going to liveblog it:

• 3:22:08 Bowing.

• 3:23:44 Kneeling.

• 3:25:16 I think I saw a full-on genuflect there.

• 3:26:11 And again with the bowing.

5:46 Frankincense and myrrh?? I guess it’s true what they say—you really can’t have too much aromatic resin.

6:18 Back to the mailbag. Shepherd 123954644 asks: “How would you feel if over the course of many centuries the joyful celebration of the miracle of your virgin birth was slowly but inexorably transformed into an increasingly secular event characterized by binge eating, an insatiable lust for consumer goods and blindly pagan reverence for a mythical, chronically obese, gift-giving hermit?”

Honest answer: I’d be a bit bummed. That said, what’s with all the cynicism? Doesn’t anyone have a question for me about the Good News I bring and the fact that I am both the light and the way?

8:44 I’ve had to turn off this blog’s comments feature—some of the stuff was really getting personal. (Yes, I’m talking to you, JesusSucks.)

I’m sorry about the brightness of the star over my manger—but it’s an essential part of the overall effect. It wouldn’t be much of a “star of wonder” if shepherds had to stand around debating which one it was, would it? Sorry you walked all the way to Sidon because you followed the wrong star, Wise Men, but Almighty God had to respect municipal bylaws relating to light pollution. Jesus!

Oh, great, you’ve made me take me in vain. Thanks a lot.

Also, an important note: while yes, technically speaking, I am responsible for all these shepherds wandering into town, that does not mean I have to cover their bar tabs.

9:17 Just talked to the Holy Father. Asked if there’s a different species I could be redeeming. He’s going to get back to me after he predetermines the outcome of today’s chariot race.


 
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Hi! I’m Baby Jesus. Hope you enjoy my blog!

  1. Quick question baby Jesus. How is it that you are all forgiving yet will allow people to burn in the fires of hell?

    Would you mind another?

    Would it be possible for you to pass on a message or two to those kids who are stranded in limbo?

    OK…one more while we’re at it. This whole Trinity thing…yet one god? Can’t quite get my head around it…

  2. Still giggling, like a girl. Are there Leacock awards for blogging?

  3. What’s it like being a zombie?

  4. So if there were Leacock awards for blogging would there be some nepotistic pre-determining of who gets it? There’d probably be an asterisk next to the award.

  5. Why don’t you heal amputees? Why did you let all those babies drown in Katrina? ):

  6. I understand you are trying to be funny and that it’s supposed to be parody, etc., and you are of course free to do this, har, har, har. But it really is likely to offensive to a lot of people, it is immature and while some will giggle endlessly, it will cause unnecessary hurt to some people. You must know that, so why would you do it? Mostly, though, it’s just not very good. Actually, it’s just bad.

  7. Actually it’s pretty funny. C’mon, Western thought, lighten up.

  8. Isn’t it just awful that there will be no Nativity scene on Parliament hill?

    Apparently they can’t find any wise men, and the stable is much too small to fit in all of the asses.

    Wired to me by Auntie. God bless her.

  9. Baby Jesus – Question:

    What am I getting for Christmas?

  10. I find this kind of offensive. Rule of thumb for you Feschuk: if you’d chicken out from writing a similar piece about Mohammed then it’s probably offensive. I’m guessing you think that’s ok, because Christians won’t get violent about it.

    You’re a lot like the guys in Amish towns who try to be funny by provoking the locals, whom everyone knows will not fight back. You’d never try it in a bar, chickensh*t.

    • How can you call someone chickensh*t if you’re scared to spell it?

      • Uh, likely cuz many blog-response systems delete words like “sh_t” and others.

  11. Invariably, whenever I even reference Jesus, no matter the context, people write to say it’s offensive. often they are threatening and they use profanity. I find that interesting.

  12. I find it offensive when you don’t reference Jesus.

  13. I don’t follow either faith. And while I don’t really care, I still don’t think it’s right to ridicule Baby Jesus or Mohammed and I’m fascinated by numbers. Which mockery do you think will get you more threats and profanity?

    How about ridiculing Liberals and Conservatives?
    Which group misbehaves the most when ridiculed?

  14. Don’t try to weasel out of it by insinuating that anyone has threatened you, Feschuk. No one has, and no one will because you are only ridiculing Christianity. Of course, you don’t have the guts to try this with Islam because that would definitely lead to consequences.

    Again, you are the type who tries to be funny by ridiculing those who won’t strike back. I find it interesting that you choose one of Christianity’s most sacred holidays to mock Jesus. Ha ha! Such fun! What a chickensh*t.

  15. My Lord Baby Jesus, now that you are incarnate and all that, could you spare a couple of minutes to turn Richard Dawkins into something really horrible, like a slug or something? I know it’s a bit petulant and not really Christian but he is a real pain in the ass and is getting more mentions in the media this year than you are. Also, it will increase your ratings among the Muslims and make them les touchy about the “Son of God” thing.

  16. One day Scott Feschuk you will stand before your Maker, God himself, and he will ask you why you wrote this idiotic blog. I would not want to be standing in your shoes.

  17. Wait, we’re going to be held to account for what we blog? I hate to say it, but that changes everything.

  18. Mmph… I was alright with most of it. It certainly was a fresh take on the nativity scene. To everyone offended, I say this: Calm yourself. Turn the other cheek. And keep your mouth pure. You’re not setting a great example, or showing Christ’s love.
    Although, I must add: Can we keep the questions in good taste? Please? No drowning babies kthxbai.

  19. I think that as a Christian, with perhaps one exception (the taking of Jesus’ name in vain), this is something I wouldn’t mind being read in a church as part of a Christmas event by some teenage youth group.

    The jokes are mostly amusing (I especially like the zoning laws joke), the tone is respectful and as far as I can tell there’s nothing theologically wrong with doing it. We’re not Muslims where drawing a picture of our Saviour will earn us a long walk off a short dock. If anything, during a time where Christmas is largely commercialized its probably a good thing that this posting takes our minds towards the true meaning of the season.

    Course, if Scott did this as a way of mocking Jesus he’ll probably burn in the fires of hell for eternity. But that’s not my call to make.

  20. I can see the caption contest now as Feschuk’s Maker, God himself (all-powerful, all-knowing, all-encompassing, and yet, all-lacking a sense of humour) passes judgment on the quaking, forgiveness-seeking humourist before Him:

    “NOT YOUR BEST WORK, FESCHUK, AND I DON’T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THOSE SHOES, EITHER.”

  21. at the risk of spoiling everyone’s fun and condemnation, i’ll go ahead and ask the question: what exactly is offensive about this?

    the column is obviously not really about Jesus – it’s about the culture of the Internet, where everyone’s at least a little self-absorbed to begin with and interactions can be so rude and hostile as to drive even the son of God – the most patient person i could think of – a little bit mental.

    and let’s be honest about it: 10 minutes or so of unaccompanied drumming is acceptable only within the confines of a Rose Bowl parade or Grateful Dead concert.

    • I came across this blog in a magazine in my optometrists office and it gave me a much needed laugh. It is in NO way offensively written and is really quite witty and cute. I am a Christian, but am also totally fed up with all the “politically correct” garbage. Maybe if so many of us weren’t constantly looking for reasons to be needlessly uptight there wouldn’t be as much hatred and upheaval in the world today. How sad and unfortunate that as a society we have lost our collective sense of humour. And anyone who thinks GOD doesn’t have a sense of humour should just look in the mirror!! Excellent piece of narrative Feschuk…thanks for the lift !

  22. Aw, man, if we’re gonna get all serious . . .

    You know, the Nativity is about the most pagan element in Christianity, except for Christmas trees (which are in a class by themselves). It’s resolutely non-theological. It’s light-years away from the seriousness of the Crucifixion, which is why we drink & get merry at Yuletide and are supposed to reflect very sincerely at Easter (by far the more important holiday). I mean, shepherds? Wise men? Stars? It’s straight-up Adonis-Bacchus stuff, and more power to it. What could be better for a good, very funny piece than the Nativity? (Apart from Bacchus — but Nonnus got there first.)

    IMO, the self-styled Christians who commented dourly above about Feschuk & Hellfire are just being sour in the way a fanatical, but perhaps not all that knowledgeable, sports fan would be if you wrote a satirical piece about the Tampa Bay Lightning. “Wait a second, that’s MY team!” That’s not serious Christianity, that’s a Star Trek convention.

  23. Every time a Liberal disrespects Jesus on the internet, the Conservatives gain a few extra votes. I can’t thank you enough, Scott, your own magazine is reporting that guys like you are why Harper won so many more seats this time out.

    I’ll echo the previous commenter and say you wouldn’t disrespect the Sikhs or Muslims this way, which kills the lulz. It was funny the first time a corporate media whore dissed Jesus, not quite as funny the millionth time.

  24. forgive Scott, he knows not what he does

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  26. I’m not offended. God (in three Persons) has a great sense of humour – look at Scripture and look at humanity!

    He’s put up with worse. It seems only those whose faith is more for show than for real who get worked up about this.

    Enjoyed the customer satisfaction survey. Hurrah!

  27. Been to the Rose Bowl, actually a couple of times. Never heard 2 minutes of unaccompanied drumming. No wait, was there for a USC game — that did happen but what would you expect from a bunch of Romans, no wait they are Trojans. Oh darn, now I am really confused.

  28. I’m offended that someone could actually be offended by that! Anyone who could find offence at that was looking entirely too hard to find offence somewhere.

    You know who I’d bet found it funny? Jesus. You know what I’d bet he finds EVEN FUNNIER? The idea that Feschuk is going to be judged for this blogpost one day. If I were standing before my Maker being judged and he brought up a BLOGPOST like this, I think I’d ask to be sent to Hell. I’m just not interested in following the dictates of a supreme deity who’s that petty. And humourless.

    I love Jesus because he’s new school God. Condemning someone to Hell over a blogpost is so old school God. I guess Feshuck might have some trouble if old testament God is still in charge, but frankly, if old testament God is still in charge then, like, 99% of us are totally screwed. THAT deity has no sense of humour whatsoever, but the blogpost isn’t going to be what does Feschuk in if that guy’s still managing partner. In that scenario, Feschuk’s probably got, like, a MILLION more serious problems.

    I know, for me, the bacon alone is gonna be a pretty spectacular indictment. And almost every piece of clothing I own is a poly/cotton blend. My stay in Hellfire will be pretty much assured long before old testament God even gets to the sexy stuff!

    It’s why I really hope the new guy’s got some serious pull.

  29. Oh, and I always liked Dennis Miller’s take when religious people got all uppity that they found some joke he said offensive, and told him that he’d be judged for it some day.

    “”My God finds me incredibly funny. That, of course, is why I choose him as my God.”

  30. Baby Jesus, I always knew you had a sense of humor, but I could never prove it. Now I have written proof!

  31. Question Baby Jesus:

    Could God microwave a burrito so that it was so hot, that he himself could not eat it?

  32. Every time a Liberal disrespects Jesus on the internet, the Conservatives gain a few extra votes. I can’t thank you enough, Scott

    I would truly like to meet the individual who, up until this point, has never voted Conservative, but this, this pushed him/her over the edge. Yes, I would find this person, er, fascinating.

  33. You know what folks, I’m offended that Scott didn’t write this about me. Why does the baby Jesus get all the humour? Is it the baby thing? Because I was a baby too you know, I just tend to be evaluated on things I did in my adult life. Funny that.

  34. Really, Mohammed? You have a nativity story? This is quite a scoop.

  35. I’m a Christian and I find this very amusing. I don’t see how in any way this is offensive to God. I find the mall the week before Christmas to be far more offensive to God than this blog, which is a humorous take on what, if literally true, would have been a strange and miraculous event. God gave us minds for a reason people; not to mention senses of humor. Use both of them and think a little.

  36. Scott, for the record, it was hilarious.

    Just to inject a little rationalism here, there’s no proof of existence of God(s). Ever. In fact, I challenge you to provide it. If you want to find out more about the history of the god figure known as Jesus, I’d encourage you to read some comparative theology books that deal with middle-eastern and north African deities. Or, if you don’t feel like reading and would rather just watch the movie, see Religulous.

    In all likelihood, when Feschuk dies he’ll just be dead. Not judged, not condemned to hell, just dead. And that sucks and all, but it’s all the evidence for an afterlife we have (i.e., none). He’s about as likely to be speared in the chest by a unicorn as he is to go to hell.

  37. Wait a minute – that unicorn galloping toward me across the meadow isn’t friendly?

  38. Feschuk: “that unicorn galloping toward me across the meadow isn’t friendly?”

    A little piece of advice. You see a unicorn, you do what we do. Run. You run your ass off.

  39. Hi baby Jesus.
    i steward at greenbelt every year. yet i am an atheist. Does that mean i will burn in hell for being a 2 faced hypocrite.?

  40. A little piece of advice. You see a unicorn, you do what we do. Run. You run your ass off.

    I’m not entirely sure I want a unicorn coming at me from behind

    • your right,it might hit u very hard.but some people would still stay in front of it.

  41. Dear baby Jesus,

    Should I shop at Walmart? I don’t want to … really I don’t but how can I buy Christmas presents? Okay, I’ll simply wish for Peace on Earth, and here in cybespace too.

    • i dont think it is wrong to shop at walmart.but i do think its wrong to buy a 700$ gift.im saying it because
      people do it.

      but rock on!!!!!!!!!

      • why?

  42. Scott has every right to write whatever he wants. I didn’t mean to inspire a theological debate or, to ensure the spectrum of political correctness is covered, an atheological debate. I just thought, given the time of year, it was a little immature. It’s just a little too easy to say “Hey, Advent started this week and there’s a lot of people out there for whom it has a lot of meaning so wouldn’t it be funny if I used that for a vehicle for humour.” It’s always a real stretch of writing skills to pull something like this off and while it does have some clever turns in the end I just thought it failed to meet the risk/reward ratio. As always, rational people of good intent may disagree.

  43. I wouldn’t worry much about unicorns people. Old testament God took care of those dudes generations ago.

    I don’t know what the unicorns did to tick Him (and/or Noah) off, but he flooded them good a long, long time ago. Feschuk is clearly hallucinating that whole meadow thing.

    Now, leprechauns on the other hand… those are some scary bastards.

  44. Scott – I think this is great fun.

    What I find absolutely fascinating is people like Gaunilon who claim, in one breath, to be offended and then use their next breath to make assumptions about violence and Islam being linked. So it’s okay to offend Muslims as long as no one offends Christianity? That doesn’t sound very Christian to me!

  45. Most clever and most amusing. Wish I’d thought of it first.

  46. Holy Jesus on a Stick, that was funny. Keep it up Scott – you never fail (well – sometimes but rarely) to make me giggle and/or laugh out loud. And I’m not your target demographic – married 30-something mother to two toddlers.

  47. I’m a Christian and I found this hilarious. God has a sense of humour; look at some of the people He created. The best part about this is the discussion it has started. Rock on, Scott!

  48. I can’t wait for MangerBoys to give their picks for the upcoming clash between the Romans and the Philistines. I hear the Phils are 4 stone favourites.

  49. Fortunately they do not have a majority.

  50. When I was hoping to read something from the Big JC, I was kinda hopin’ for the Messianic Jean Chrétien.

  51. Richard,

    To say nothing of th big game on the 21st between the Lionsand the Saints!

    Normally, when it comes to Christians vs. lions, I bet on the lions every time. This season though, it seems like the Lions can’t beat ANYBODY!

  52. Scott Feschuk, I just want you to know that I find your blog about baby Jesus very offensive. The article comes across as showing a great lack of respect for the millions of people around the world for whom Christmas is a spiritual event of much significance. If you had written about Muslims or Buddhists like this there would have been a huge outcry. Don’t parody what you don’t understand.

  53. Luckily for you, Mr. Wubs and anybody else who feels put out by this sort of thing, as I understand it, Jesus was sent here to teach us all about love and forgiveness (hint, hint), and if you’re as Christian as you claim, I just know you’ve got that stuff inside you. Check and see if it’s buried somewhere underneath all the outrage.

  54. Don’t parody what you don’t understand

    First, this isn’t a parody of Jesus, or Christmas, or Christians, it’s a parody of blogging.

    Second, Chris Wubs comment clearly indicates that it’s not that he’s concerned that Feschuk is parodying something he “doesn’t understand” (leaving aside that Chris doesn’t understand what Fechuk is actually parodying) but that Chris feels that religions or religious figures shouldn’t be parodied. Alternatively, it’s possible Mr. Wubs doesn’t understand the definition of “parody”.

    In short, comments like Mr. Wubs’ above make the baby Jesus cry.

  55. Wubs: “Don’t parody what you don’t understand.”

    Exactly what is there to understand about the Nativity?

  56. For those who are so bent out of shape by this post, perhaps you should check out “The Lost Blogs: From Jesus to Jim Morrison“, where Jesus runs a Carpentry Blog, in which he provides hints about creating a “water or wine rack,” the perfect place to “store both satisfying thirst quenchers in one place and never find yourself deficient of either…”

    I’d be willing to bet it’ll REALLY drive you (more) nuts!

    I’d avoid Dennis Miller though. Your head might explode. (One of my favourites – Miller’s explanation that there’s no way Jesus would drive a hybrid. Jesus would definitely be an SUV guy. After all, he’s got to constantly schlep those 12 losers around with him everywhere he goes!)

  57. As we remember the 75th anniversary of the Ukrainian Holodomor this year let us recall it was perpetrated by an element that was similarly hostile towards Christianity and religion in general.

    As the chilly season approaches, let us also remember that many of our least fortunate fellow citizens sleep under the roofs provided by religious charitable organizations.

    There’s your choice: holocaust, or a bit of compassion. Call me crazy, but I for one am partial to a non-holocaust society, so let’s ixnay the hating Christians, mmm-kay?

  58. My Dear Lord,

    You are probably not aware of this, but a large number of your Episcopalian & Anglican followers are currently involved in fierce litigation over extremely valuable real estate. Would it be too much to ask if You might make some sort of definitive statement (perhaps written in large flaming letters across the heavens or something) to the effective that it all actually belongs to myself, Fr. Christian Troll?
    Naturally I will be happy to provide you with a percentage of the spoils should You assist in this way, which you can take my word will be enough to buy more frankincense, gold, and myrrh than any kid can ever want.

    Your’s Respectfully,
    Father Christian Troll

    PS. While You’re at it could you please also throw my way the Vatican, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and some of those really cute Baptist virgins from “True Love Waits”?

  59. Belzer, I’ll see your holocaust vs. compassion, and raise you a Crusades vs. lighten up a little, would you, please?

  60. Belzer, you officially take the prize for Most Specious Argument.

    Hey, next year is the 800th (!!) anniversary of the Albigensian Crusade! Can we all get together and hate Christians then?

  61. I never cease to be amazed at the concern trolls that show up on any blog that they can use to show how holy they are. I wonder how they would feel about the Lunch scene in Talladega Nights, when Will Farrell prays to the Baby Jesus.

    I love this particular entry. The Baby Jesus should have his own blog.

  62. Very amusing piece. So are the comments.

    Me, I am pleased to ridicule devotees to all magic-rooted belief systems, whenever possible. However, when in the presence of menacing defenders of religiosity, I make myself scarce, and then laugh at them at a distance.

    I do this not because I’m a coward, but because such people are dangerous, unpredictable fools, and I’m not stupid.

    – JV

  63. Hey, folks. Why can’t you just respectfully let the people who are offended express their points of view without mocking them and making fun of them for it. Some people think it’s funny. Some people think it’s not. There’s no need to mean to them, belittle their beliefs and say things that will hurt their feelings just because they disagree (people get to do that). There are still people in the world for whom symbols have meaning. They get to be part of the world too. As C.S. Lewis said, Christianity, if false, is of no importance (and that applies to some of you) and if true of infinite importance (which applies to others). The only thing it cannot be is of moderate importance (which the discussion illustrates). But don’t isolate each other like this. It’s not pretty.

  64. Wow.

    Some of the comments here have been pretty asinine, but Belzer? He ought to get a set of steak knives for that. That’s prize winning idiocy right there. I had no idea, the whole time I was laughing, that Fescuk’s post about the baby Jesus’ blog was exhibiting a similar hostility to Christianity and religion as Stalin’s starvation of Ukraine! (Of course, I’m not so sure the Holodomor had much to do with Stalin’s hostility toward religion either, so much as his hostility to Ukrainian nationalism but, whatever).

    Nicely played Belzer. Everyone was waiting for someone to compare Feschuk to Hitler, and you blindsided us with the comparison to Stalin. It’s the rope-a-dope of the specious, insulting, ridiculously over-the-top genocidal dictator comparison. Nice.

    You stay classy Belzer.

  65. Western Thought,

    I take your point on some of these, but Belzer just compared Feschuk to Stalin.

    I’m sorry, but that just DEMANDS to be ridiculed. I’d feel somewhat unethical reading that comment and NOT logging in to ridicule it.

  66. Sheesh people, give it a break. Who cares if people don’t write about Muslims? Who cares about Allah? Remember the crucifixion? Jesus could’ve easily defended himself. But he didn’t. He turned the other cheek. You don’t need to defend our Lord, he can do it himself, thank you very much. It’s not like he’s helpless. The only thing that could be considered offensive here is “taking himself in vain”, while funny, is kinda… eh….

    For those confused; More Christians have been martyred in the 20th century than all the centuries preceding. That is why some Christians are edgy; Islam is one of the big killers, and some Islamic scripture can be taken to uphold killing others. In fact, in Orissa (India) right now, hundreds of Christians have been martyred, and many more persecuted (by militant Hindus).

    To sum up: The article was in good taste, excepting that one part. Christians are being killed, alot. Islam is easily offended.

    If you are still confused, click on my name. It will help.

  67. in belzer’s defence, i WAS thinking about growing a moustache

  68. Scott:
    Handlebars or bust!

  69. Never mind the blasphemy, this blog entry has bumped “Will Soy Make My Son Gay?” from the most read list. Nice going, Feschuk. It was a small oasis of humour for me to log on and see the soy piece listed beside Coyne’s “Leading from the Rear.” Now it’s gone. Thanks a lot.

  70. Generic lowbrow humor: the piece and the comments… irreverent adolescent shenanigans. I didn’t read any of it very closely. Interesting culture reflected herein though… nothing is sacred, everything is up for degradation…. profanity gives important emphasis and is very funny… smug self-assuredness, commitment to mostly nothing. Here’s the good news: consider abandoning your preconceptions, and set aside your smug condemnation about what hypocrites all those Christians are. Set yourself free from that, dig up a Bible, and actually read Luke Chapter 2. Even better, start at the beginning of Luke, and give yourself an open-minded Christmas present!

  71. I love that part in Luke when the warden leans over him and says, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

  72. This is a tasteless piece of work. I used to be of the opinion that Macleans troubled themselves with intellectual concerns, but this apparently is not the case. I see no reason to show any interest in this website and its content any further. Religion is a matter not to be trifled with, no matter whose it is.

  73. Everyone here is fighting like a bunch of 13 year-old girls fighting over who gets to take Jake to the much music video dance. Regardless of your beliefs you can take this blog for what it is, a JOKE! It’s funny, and don’t act like your religious integrity has been compromised. Sorry to disappoint you but Scott is not the only person in the world who has made a joke before. If you don’t like it go somewhere else.

  74. I’m Catholic. I go to church. I take communion.
    And that was hilarious.
    And the comments were nearly as good.

  75. Question Baby Jesus:
    If my hand gets cut off, is it waiting for me in Heaven? I mean if it was my good hand?

  76. Jesus Christ! Don’t any of you people read?

    I know I called the book The Gay Science, but back then it just meant happy. More of you wannabe christians should really pick it up, your eyes will only burn for a little bit.

    Besides. All of this good and evil talk is sooo two centuries ago. I really thought we’d have moved beyond it all by now.

    Merry x-mas,

    FN

  77. Scott,

    Very, very unique! My compliments.

    “Wise Men, but Almighty God had to respect municipal bylaws relating to light pollution. Jesus!”

    Yeah, some nights, city life really sucks!

  78. >>>>”No one has [objected], and no one will because you are only ridiculing Christianity”<<<<<

    I don’t think that argument holds water in this case. Within his parody, Scott is right on: the presence of Jesus represents modern times as well. Jesus must be able to represent all times. The computer is a very modern communication device, and if the meaning of Jesus stands for anything, he would stand for communication between humans.

    I think Scott’s take on this is very contemporary without being (or implying to be) offensive.

    If we are to understand the meaning of Jesus, we have to understand his presence within time. And that is precisely what Scott has managed to do; bring the celebration of our saviour amongst us who he ultimately represents.

  79. In any case, Scott knows exactly how to start a spirited ‘conversation’ ;) Look at this discussion board.. it’s nuts.
    Brilliant stuff mate!

  80. Oh, calm down everyone, God doesn’t even read Feschuk.

    (Hey, look, I’m being irreverent AND insulting the columnist… it’s to hell with me fer sure.)

  81. Sir,

    I liked your story about Baby Jesus: the Blog (a similar story written about peaceful Islamic religion would cost you your job and maybe life).

    One comment: you stated the date of the blog as 12/25/0. What a nonsense. The format of the date indicates that Baby Jesus was an American, because only Americans use this stupid and illogical format mm/dd/yy.

    Let me explain. In every other civilised society the date format follows either ascending order: dd-mm-yyyy (e.g. 25-12-2008) or descending order, such as yyyy-mm-dd (e.g. 2008-12-25).
    Poor Americans tried to use both formats at once and created the ugly and confusing mix called “mm/dd/yy”.
    Using the same logic would you tell the time using a string “min:sec:hour”? No.

    You also stated that the year of the Blog was 0 (zero). Wrong. There is and has never been such thing as year “zero”. Zero is a point on the time axis which separates year “minus one” (BC) and “plus one” (AD).

    Good luck.

  82. Hey, this blog wasn’t going anywhere until I pointed out it might be capable of causing offence and that it was, well, bad. I want credit for elevating its status!

  83. A couple of years ago I heard a very funny CBC radio piece, I think it was Jonathan Goldstein on Wiretap, called Teenage Jesus’ blog. Entires like (paraphrasing) “Whenever my mom tells me to clean my room I just answer in parables, that really drives her crazy.”

    I tired to find it on the CBC site but they don’t podcast Wiretap. Recommend the show, though.

  84. So many of these dicklocks in the comments take life and especially religion far too seriously. Even the most hardcore Christian should be able to find this funny and not in any way in poor taste. This is the kind of thing they might do at Jesus’ Friars Club roast. Lighten up, morons.

  85. I hope Belzer got punched by a Ukranian for that comparison.

  86. Joe Dick and my other planetary friends,
    I love you.
    the simple fact is this: some things in Life are serious and important and deserving of simple respect, even reverential respect. Think about that. In our digital busy world, with promises of endless pleasure and endless a-musement (get that… a-musement?), some may think that life is all a joke, that the urgent and the sensual matters are what are important, and the rest is just a joke.We cling to a culture that routinely disgraces, rather than respects, its elected leaders, and we get what we deserve: mostly disgraceful leaders. We cling to the post-modern absurdity that everyone has truth, all roads lead to truth, that everyone’s perspective is valid and important and needs to be incorporated into every decision and conversation, and that too is rubbish. I’m not writing because God or Jesus needs defending. I’m writing because some of you are actually thirsting for truth, dope and booze and entertainment and sex and an orgy of materialism at Christmastime leaves you empty and hungry, again. I’ve been there, believe me. I want you to know that the world is mostly nonsense and real Truth — living water and abundant Life — is available. Open your mind, find a church where the bible is taught and the Lord is worshipped and keep going… you will find a present that never stops giving.

  87. Kurt:
    It’s okay to be Christian and still enjoy a joke or two – even one about JC. There’s a difference between good natured fun and mockery, which you seem to be missing.

  88. @Kurt: Okay, but if the dope and booze and entertainment and sex and orgy of materialism at Christmastime leaves us full and satisfied, then can we laugh at Feschuk’s blog?

  89. in belzer’s defence, i WAS thinking about growing a moustache

    Don’t do it, Scott. You’ll become attached to it, and then it’s goodbye normal face, forever. I grew one for moustache movember this year, and two weeks into December I still have it. Moustaches are impossible to get rid of. They’re kind of like herpes, except worse for your love life.

    Also, is anyone going to explain how exactly this is offensive? Like, in what way does it offend you? I don’t think one person has even attempted to justify the claim. Which is weird, because usually the defenders of religion are rigorously logical debaters.

  90. Thanks lots, love the funny premise – i.e., did baby jesus ever really act, think, feel, like a baby?

    or was the god part the only thinking, feeling, able to absolutely do part?

    Rather like a zen koan, just stops the mind in its categorical tracks for a moment in hopes that glimmers of inspired insight will light up – probably from different parts of the brain or at least from activating alternative brain pathways.

    Great fun, and by all means, try to keep up the fun. Believers who are offended apparently just innately become part of the joke, slightly sadly, so to speak. Thanks again, lots ….of course this would have to be done in Canada, USA is just to twangy religulous serious though we do have Creationist Dinosaur Riding theme parks, so maybe we in USA are funny after all …. in our own rightwing ways?

  91. So Kurt, if I were to say I believed that all of life is a result of a group of aliens who were really good at building things. And I wanted to worship these aliens. Is that belief of mine worthy of respect?

  92. You’re not Tim Tebow.

  93. I’ll bet none of you guys has the guts to do this about Mohammed.

  94. Ok Olaf, I’ll bite, on the (generous) assumption that you’re asking sincerely.

    In general, I read the first two pages and thought it was reasonably funny, albeit thelogically confused. Not laugh out loud funny but amusing enough.

    Then I came to the item on the last page where Jesus blasphemes. Yes, from the standpoint of a Christian, that is blasphemy. Ranks up there as a serious sin, somewhere between worshipping devils and murdering people. For those confused about the insult here, imagine if Feshcuk parodied Jesus raping someone in a fit of passion. That would be insulting. It would also be less insulting than having Jesus blaspheme. Feschuk either doesn’t know this, in which case Feshcuk should shut up about these things rather than stepping in it, or Feshcuk was deliberately trying to be an ass. Given the timing and the fact that one has to be really, really ignorant to do this unintentionally, I lean toward the latter.

    This is why I find this piece offensive. Feschuk made things worse by insinuating in his comment after mine that he was being threatened, which was dishonest. He also complained about profanity, when the only profanity was in his actual blog post. And finally, need I remind everyone that Feschuk would lose his job, face a HRT kangaroo court, and possibly be the object of a fatwa if he parodied Mohammed blaspheming or even drew an unflattering picture of him. Feschuk will never do these things, but has no problem parodying Jesus blaspheming because he knows there will be no repercussions. The word for that is “chickensh*t”, or perhaps “cowardly” if scatological terms bother you. Note, I am not advocating a piece that insults Mohammed. I am merely pointing out the dishonesty and cowardice at work in this blog.

    To all those saying, in essence, “turn the other cheek”, I say this: we are supposed to turn the other cheek when we are insulted. Not when the insult is directed at someone else. Certainly not when it is directed at God. Anyone who stands by and lets someone insult a friend is no true friend.

  95. Gaunilon,

    Ok Olaf, I’ll bite, on the (generous) assumption that you’re asking sincerely.

    I was.

    For those confused about the insult here, imagine if Feshcuk parodied Jesus raping someone in a fit of passion. That would be insulting. It would also be less insulting than having Jesus blaspheme.

    Um, ok, well I really don’t know what to say about this. I mean, if you personally find this more insulting, that’s your business – I can’t tell you what to find insulting and in what degree. However, when you speak “from the standpoint of a Christian”, could you possibly link to which particular Christian holy document ranks sins and their degree of offensiveness? I think I would find a Jesus raping scenario slightly more offputting than a Jesus taking his own name in vain scenario. Would I be demonstrably wrong? Is there a definitive interpretation of God’s word that would prove me so?

    Feschuk made things worse by insinuating in his comment after mine that he was being threatened, which was dishonest.

    Read what he said, carefully. I barely skimmed it, and I still recall that he didn’t say that your comment was threatening, he said that when people comment, “often they are threatening and they use profanity.” This does not mean that you were threatening, indeed, he doesn’t even mention you, but merely that he has gotten threatening comments “often” as a result of mentioning Jesus.

    The word for that is “chickensh*t”, or perhaps “cowardly” if scatological terms bother you.

    They don’t, but this makes no sense. None of the details contained in this column would apply to Mohammed, and thus none of the jokes would either. Are you proposing that if someone wants to say something about Jesus, they must also write equal length columns about every other religious figure, even if no interesting topic strikes them, to prove their bravery?

  96. Personally, I find the people who are trying to use this as an example of religious persecution far more offensive than the actual blog post.

    Also, taking the Lord’s name in vain is worse than rape? Um, no it’s not. If that’s honestly how you feel then it’s time to re-evaluate your position.

    My favourite part was “(Spoiler alert!) Eternity.”

  97. Dear baby Jesus,
    Please send an angel to protect me from your followers, they really scare me!

  98. “Don’t try to weasel out of it by insinuating that anyone has threatened you, Feschuk. No one has, and no one will because you are only ridiculing Christianity.”

    Christianity — Jesus, in particular, because it’s a concept he introduced which isn’t found in the Old Testament — threatens every single person on Earth with ETERNAL TORTURE IN HELL if we’re not good people.

    But wait! I misspoke. It has little to nothing to do with us being personally righteous.

    No, we’re threatened with eternal torture in Hell if we don’t believe one particular boy is the “Son of God” in human form and prostrate ourselves before “Him”.

    Despite the fact there’s little — untampered with by Christians — evidence he actually existed outside of the Bible. And even if there was such evidence, it’s a monstrous, murderous proposition. Far worse than monstrous murder, as it happens.

    Eternal torture indeed.

    So yes, Gaunilon, there was a threat made… far before Scott Feschuk, you, or I was even born.

  99. why not talk about mohamed .the moslem would go craziertham normal.pplneed to feelthat they canmake fun and tear down what some hold sacred.in our country t/day things are falling apartbecause of so called intellectuals
    write trash like this.

  100. Hey, Christians have a sense of humor (most of the time). And it’s not recent – there’s a tradition, dating back to the era of the Church Fathers (before 500 AD) of “naughty baby Jesus” stories, wherein Jesus plays pranks on his parents. And these weren’t “opposition” tracts, these were merely light fiction of the late Roman era (cleaner than most such pagan novellas such as The Golden Ass and less famous fantastic stories), by believers for believers. The texts were light on theology, to be sure, but did affirm full human incarnation. After all, would a gnostic “merely looks human” hologram Jesus laugh, play, tell jokes, and engage in other typical-kid behavior?

    I feel sorry for the Muslims if they can’t be lighthearted about serious things.

  101. Well, us intellectuals — in my case, grade 10 education — have learned how to use capitals in sentences and spell our own names correctly.

    To me it’s very simple: Jesus (if he ever existed at all) threatened me with eternal torture in Hell unless I worship him. I’ve never threatened him nor would I have.

    Nonetheless, I feel entirely justified in my criticism of that evil, horrible idea.

    Mohammed? He probably did exist and started an evil death cult that is the greatest threat to decent, Western, largely secularized after the enlightenment started breaking through the worst of the religious stupidity (thank God) civilization.

    Mohammed had a whacked relationship with a 6 year old girl, Ai’sha, and apparently refrained from having sex with her at the request of the girl’s father until she was 9. Yay for small miracles.

    I find that abhorent.

    Interestingly enough, Mary mother of Jesus would have most likely been about 14 or 15 when she got pregnant with him. 1-2 years younger than the age of consent in Canada these days, yet we’re supposed to overlook that.

    Either we’re wrong — age of consent — or the father of Mary was a molester.

    Incidentally, if she existed and was really the mother of Jesus, I vote for “human father” as the most likely explanation.

  102. drdanfee, 10 to 1, child Jesus told at least one fart joke.

  103. Hang on a minute, Christoph. I think we all overlooked the most important point here.

    “Wilaim” considers me a so-called intellectual!

    I’ve got to go revise my business cards…

  104. Scott, lest anyone misunderstand, I think Christianity as its often practiced is one of the most beautiful, noble belief systems on the planet. Many if not a majority of the people I most love and deeply admire are Christians, including the one closest to me are Christians.

    I also know and have known very decent Muslims. I’m thinking more men and women in my life, but case in point: Freedom loving soldiers fighting to protect their people at great risk from terrible radicals in both Iraq and Afghanistan.

    Also, just decent, fun-loving people who are charitable of heart, loving of mind, and deep in their soul.

    I also know atheists (technically I’m not one: I’m a deist) who are total jerks… what’s more, I know a lot of these people, probably a disproportionate number.

    I tend to agree with Christians on most moral issues… however in intellectual honesty, I just simply can’t overlook statements that no “threats” have been made when Jesus Christ in the Bible threatens not just everyone, but me personally, with never-ending torture unless we believe and worship him!

    Not even North Korea goes that far, as Christopher Hitchens points out. You can always die.

  105. I hope Bill O Reilly reads this. He will absolutely pop a pin. Bad for him. Good for us.

  106. Christoph: Christianity — Jesus, in particular, because it’s a concept he introduced which isn’t found in the Old Testament — threatens every single person on Earth with ETERNAL TORTURE IN HELL if we’re not good people.

    Don’t think that’s technically true. Hell exists in many religious traditions, most of which predate Christianity. For that matter, the Bible doesn’t go into much detail about it, most of the concepts we have of Hell come from literature such as Dante’s Inferno.

    And how boring would life be without this sort of literature? I mean there would be no Buffy, no World of Warcraft and probably no good rock bands.

  107. Steve Wart, you’re right, of course.. however, Jesus introduced the concept of Hell and specifically eternal torture to the Jewish/Christian religion… I’m not saying he’s the only “person” ever to have said such a thing.

    And it definitely is interesting literature! Very few people read it though.

    In my comment above I wanted to make it clear I think Christianity as it’s often practiced is beautiful… I also want to make it equally clear Christianity as it’s actually written is evil.

  108. Hey Baby Jesus,

    I heart the blog dude but I’m having trouble accessing your online poll. Could you repost the link? Sweet!

    BTW I’ve added you to my blogroll – you rock! I haven’t found you on Twitter yet, but I hope you add me as a friend on facebook… ’cause, like… we ARE friends right? I’ve got a TopFriends, You’re Sexy, Snowball Wars, Festive Pointsettia and Li’l Green Patch request with your name on it!

    Some of my other friends like drummerBoyz79 says that stuff is like time consuming and all but hey… it ain’t eternal damnation! (ROTHL)

    TTFN,

    Judester_71

    p.s. Will Bella really lose her soul if she let’s Edward turn her into a vampire? Dude, I thought you were supposed to love EVERYBODY! :-(

  109. Less bitching more blogging!!

  110. So Just to be clear…if I use the word Jesus in combination with any word other than holy, Son of God, blessed, etc. is it still offensive?
    If I say Jesus Bubblewrap? Jesus Frying Pan? Buddy Christ?

    Oh and all you arguing the offensiveness fo these statements, the validity of Christianity and the importantance of accuracy in referencing anything regarding your Saviour and the holy text..next time you take a peek of your good Lords picture hanging up in the sanctuary can you please explain to me why he looks so pale? Did he have some rare form of skin pigmintaion problem like Micheal Jackson?

  111. I thought that Liberals (Scott Feschuk for example) were shining beacons of tolerance and open-mindedness? You know ,respecting people who may have differring opinions and beliefs. Their true colours are being shown, if you “don’t get it” then just as well mock it or poke it in the eye. The hypocrisy is quite funny, don’t worry I won’t file a complaint with Canada’s Human Rights Commission . Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah (I may have misspelt that, sorry).

  112. q602:

    If you look at most articles written by Canadian publications, the preferred dating format is the American version. In Maclean’s, the Globe and Mail, Toronto Star, etc, dates are always written out (in whole, anyway), as December 11, 2008 rather than 11 December 2008, as one would see in UK publications.

    Just a thought.

  113. “I thought that Liberals (Scott Feschuk for example) were shining beacons of tolerance and open-mindedness?”

    I respect many people with different beliefs… Christians, for example. Muslims. Mormons. Jews, definitely. Even the odd NDPer (not so many of those, but I try).

    However… that does not mean I have to respect evil beliefs. The Qu’ran is a monstrosity and the Torah and Bible are too. Thank God (no irony there: I mean the real Creator of the universe, personal or impersonal, even purely mathematical as the case may be) few follow those faiths literally.

    I fight evil beliefs and place myself squarely on the side of goodness and reason to the best of my ability. That means not letting evil go unchallenged, including the evil contained in the Bible, and the evil attributed to the figure known as Jesus.

  114. Wait, Christoph, you’re a militant Deist? That’s a new one. I thought Deists were the kinder, gentler type.

  115. “Wait, Christoph, you’re a militant Deist? That’s a new one. I thought Deists were the kinder, gentler type.”

    I’m a lot kinder and gentler than Jesus, is my point.

  116. My first thought: This is really funny.
    My last thought: This is really funny.

    In between, after reading some of the comments, I wondered if my sense of humor is warped or if I’m really not a Christian after all. Then I decided that maybe we all should lighten up a bit. I agree with the responder who said that he/she thought that Jesus would like it too! Personally, The Little Drummer Boy always makes me crazy too.
    I’m forwarding it to ALL my Christian friends – including clergy!

  117. Jesus had a sense of humor but many of his followers definitely do not. I love the thing about angels shedding.

  118. This is a test

  119. tHERE ARE LINES YOU CROSS AND THOSE YOU DON’T IN AN EFFORT TO SNAG A LAUGH. THIS ONE WAS OFFENSIVE AND BLASPHEMOUS, NOT FUNNY. I WONDER WHAT YOU OR YOUR EDITORS WOULD HAVE DONE WITH A PARODY OF MOHAMMED? IT MUST BE THE CHRISTIAN TEACHING OF TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK THAT TEMPTS SUCH CONTEMPT.

  120. “I’m forwarding it to ALL my Christian friends – including clergy!”

    Spammer.

  121. What possessed the magazine to post the Compassion Canada ad next to Scott F’s adolescent article?
    Sheer thoughtlessness…but if intentional, cruelness.
    This is not National Lampoon!

  122. I’m a devout Christian, and because of that if I were reading this to a church group, I’d leave out a couple lines. That said, I found most of it hilarious and was laughing out loud reading this at a magazine stand. Excellent satire, Mr. Feschuk!

    But I construed it as satire not of Christ himself but of some Western-Christian sensibilities. I’m *always* down for some satire on *that* front, that’s for sure.

  123. Islam is the answer and it is not easy to find me. God protects me from people and there evil plans. Indeed God is with me. You will never be able to find me unless I show up myself in front of people and which will only happen with the will of God. I won’t expose myself unless God allows me to.

    If you will read Quran, You will really find me right after you are done reading all of it.

  124. I’m very religious. In fact I just got off the phone with Jesus. He says this piece was a hoot and a kick in the ass of self-righteousness and hypocrisy. Jesus really hates hypocrisy.

    Yet he told me to ask you if you’d consider switching religions.

  125. i think your a very cool guy,i have to tell u i like your blog! but yes i dot know if your a christhan but i
    think God is a person we should honer.i would like to know what u think?. remember,my name is Daniel.

    write back

  126. I don’t think this is “ridicule” for Jesus’ birth. I think it is just a slightly humorous perspective on a baby living through the events described in the Bible (and popular culture like “The Little Drummer Boy”). It’s more of a statement about today’s ephemeral culture. I mean really, who has as fun and interesting a life as the one described on their FaceBook page?

    If you’re offended by this, stop reading it, but don’t go criticizing the author or those who find it funny.

  127. Oh God (ummm…I mean “Hi there! May have an autograph “?). Your blog is simply heavenly and too, too funny. I always new creation (specifically mine), showed God had a ripped sense of humor). Wish I had found your blog at Christmas when it really would have helped , Perhaps if I had prayed ???

  128. Hello Scott Feschuk,

    I love your work!! Does that give me permission to correct your use of English? If not, read no further.

    You used the phrase, “try and sell”. That’s incorrect; it should be, “try to sell”. Almost every time we use the word ‘try’ it ought to be followed by “to”, as in, “try to find”.

    ‘and’ can only be used where each word can stand on its own in the sentence, such as, “shot and killed”.

    Thanks.

  129. Thanks for reply.
    God bless you.
    To know more go Sabbath
    Thanks

  130. This kinda sucks because we studies this in class, thanks!

  131. first post !!!!!!!!!!!!

  132. what will i have for Christmas? thank you

  133. Why did God punish Randy and remove one of his balls? He did nothign wrong…

  134. Considerably, the post is in reality the top on spiritual discussion and valuable theme. I concur together with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward for your upcoming religious updates and articles.

  135. Considerably, the post is in reality the top on spiritual discussion and valuable theme. I concur together with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward for your upcoming religious updates and articles.

  136. It is funny. Lighten up everyone. It is not making fun at Christianity or Jesus – read it again without your cynicism turned on :)
    Laughing at ourselves is healthy. Of course that is just my opinion.

  137. It is funny. Lighten up everyone. It is not making fun at Christianity or Jesus – read it again without your cynicism turned on :)

  138. In response to Troy’s questions…
    1) Forgiveness comes from repenting of your sinful life and accepting him as your Lord and Savior. Your life would become a testament of his Holy Spirit within you.  Lack of forgiveness is initiated by our free will as sinners to not repent and not accept Him. Thus the reality of hell.  This is all clearly laid out in the Bible.  Google “The Roman Road” if you would prefer. Jesus loves us all but we have to accept that love which grants forgiveness.  If you disowned your parents, they  would still love you but they would be unable to show you or demonstrate that love because you did not accept it. Same thing.
    2) The Trinity is complex and not meant to completely grasped by us. This is a good thing for me because I would hate to acknowledge, worship and trust a the God of the universe in which every facet of Himself is so easily understood.  How would you like it if you knew as much or more than what your physician understood.  The New Testament is full of references to the Trinity, Father God, Jesus the son and the Holy Spirit.  

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