How Canada can beat the United States in hockey

It involves chicanery


It comes down to Ryan Miller.

If patterns hold, Team Canada will muster more shots tomorrow than Team USA. It will probably win the balance of quality scoring chances. If Miller is on – and he’s been nothing but on the entire tournament – then the chances of an American victory rise considerably.

We must therefore do all we can to throw Ryan Miller off his game – not just as a team, but as a nation. We must work together to distract the American goaltender. And I fear he may be too savvy and focused to fall for the “Look, over there!” trick.

How we will distract Ryan Miller:

Fat guys – Come to the game naked.

Regular guys – Give your tickets to fat guys.

Mike Babcock – Orchestrate a detailed scheme to ensure that from the drop of the puck Team Canada gets in Miller’s crease, in his head, in his face. Also: come to the game naked.

Brenden Morrow – I heard from a guy who heard from another guy that Ryan Miller suspects you have “lady parts.” Go get him.

Chris Pronger – Just keep telling Miller about the old days when you used to tie an onion to your belt, because that was the style at the time.

Joe ThorntonThorntonThornton… are you sure you’re on Team Canada? Haven’t noticed you out there.

Jarome Iginla – Tell Miller the hot curler was totally asking about him.

Fans – Maybe start a chant that will demoralize Miller, like “You live in Buffalo.”

Any other ideas?


How Canada can beat the United States in hockey

  1. Tell him its a Sabres playoff game.

    • HA!

  2. Deck the behind the net goal judges out with T shirts sporting a Miller Lite Light logo on them. And have them constantly yelling: "Ryan! Sixpack to go!"

  3. Remember how in Salt Lake, the Canadian guy who made the ice at the rinks put a Loonie in the center, hoping it would mean good luck for Team Canada? How it became a defining symbol of Canada's historic victory, cementing Canada's role in the sport and, dare I say, the world?

    I guess what I'm saying is we should pelt Ryan Miller with Loonies.

  4. Remember how a puck was shot so hard it went through the net two games ago? They should do the same thing, but shoot it so hard it goes right through Ryan Miller.

    A puck size hole in his chest might not stop him, but it would probably slow him down enough to make them vulnerable.

  5. Beans…lots and lots of beans in the pre-game meal for the designated crease crashers…er that could include lui…hmmm, perhaps smelling salts for our defencemen. Maybe a tad complicated…laxative in Ryan's water bottle…the lust to win is pathetic isn't it?

  6. Give Helena seats directly behing the net [ two seats i guess] and tell her Miller's from the east coast, his dad works for the airlines…oh, and he's a liberal democratic.

  7. Get the crowd to chant 'Ryan…Ryan…" it may not do much but it could cause some identity anxiety on the team.

  8. I'd like to know who let AC the "contrarian," drive that bobsleigh thing, for team Mac? Is that really wise? While coming up on the fastest corner do you really want the guy yelling:

    " Piffle! Just because they designed the thing like that means bugger all. Just for a lark. Let's try taking the corner this way!"

  9. Hard to tell….

    This could be a valid post on how to get to Miller.


    Feschuk is possibly gay and has a desire to see naked fat men/Mike Babcock.

    The truth is out there…. ;)

  10. Something is in the works. Tonya Harding arrived in Vancouver last night.

  11. Shoot the puck in his general direction. Repeat as necessary.

    • It sounds like a good idea, but we tried it last time.

      • I suppose the corollary is "and have someone in nets on our side too". Generally 3 goals should be sufficient to win a game, as a dejected team of Slovaks can attest.

        • Yep, 3 goals does it.

  12. Bring in that guy from NY [ braincramp??] to do the grade 8 finger wave in Miller's face…just keep him away from Brodeur.

  13. Make Ron Wilson his coach.

  14. Tell him Julianne Moore is looking at him with one eye. It freaks me out so it must freak him out too.