How I Plan to Break it to My Wife That I’m Buying a Desk Made From Han Solo’s Frozen Body - Macleans.ca
 

How I Plan to Break it to My Wife That I’m Buying a Desk Made From Han Solo’s Frozen Body


 

Oh, hi. Hi there. Glad your home. Good day at work?

Good. That’s good.

Gosh, you look pretty.

What’s that? That big box out there in the recycling? You want to know what came in that big box, do you?

Oh, you know, nothing. Nothing important, I mean. Certainly nothing worth a lifetime of recrimination and thinly veiled hostility, ha ha.

Here’s a funny story though: Remember how a whole bunch of years ago you half-watched The Empire Strikes Back with me and the kids?

The Empire Strikes Back. You know – one of the Star Wars movies?

No, not the one with the fat man from Boston Legal.

You know, STAR WARS!The one about good vs. evil and it had Harrison Ford and that person who could hardly act.

No, not Working Girl. Listen, the point is you kind of almost watched part of the movie for a few minutes and I distinctly remember you saying something along the lines of, “I sure wish there were some way to physically capture the amazing experience of viewing this epic motion picture and make it a focal part of our interior design.”

You didn’t say that? You sure? Because I distinctly remember you saying something along the lines of – well, maybe it was one of the kids. Point is: the prone and seemingly lifeless body of a notorious fictional space smuggler may not instantly strike you as the central component of a productive work space but—

Hang on, where are you going? Upstairs? Why are you going upsta – listen, before you go up to the office, let me ask you a question: durability is good, right? I mean, mahogany – that’s pretty durable. But are you aware of the unparalleled lasting power of carbonite?

[Three hours later.]

Listen, I respect both your opinion and your creative use of profanity. But I think that you’ll think this desk works once we feng shui it with the Boba Fett hat rack that’s arriving tomorrow.

[Seething pause.]

Look, I understand you’re angry. I do. But can we just go into the next room, sit down and discuss this rationally in the two new $5,500 Star Trek captain’s chairs that I—

I hadn’t mentioned those either?

Gosh, you look pret— oof!



 
Filed under:

How I Plan to Break it to My Wife That I’m Buying a Desk Made From Han Solo’s Frozen Body

  1. Nothing would look better on your Hans desk than his U.N.C.L.E. Napoleon's Cigarette Case Communicator. (hey Balsillie- when are you going to add Channel D?)

    https://www.cia.gov/about-cia/cia-museum/spy-fi-a

  2. " But are you aware of the unparalleled lasting power of carbonite?"

    That's golden. Excelent work!

  3. Great post, good laugh.

  4. You will not be permanently damaged.

  5. "I refuse to give up my favourite decoration"

  6. Here's how musicians handle unauthorized (by their spouses) instrument purchases. Just substitute "desk built around Hans Solo's carbon frozen body," and you're home free…

    1. The keyboard? I've always had it, but it was in the repair shop for six months and you probably forgot what it looks like.

    2. I'm just holding it for my friend. You won't believe this, but his wife freaks out when he buys a new guitar, so he'll probably just have to come play it here for a few years.

    3. It's amazing how new strings and a polish can make a cheap old guitar look like a brand new $2000 one, isn't it?

    4. You don't see me griping about all the money you spent on snowsuits for the kids, do you? Or the name brand salad dressing you blew a bundle on last week?

    5. Better instruments = better paying gigs. Just think of it as an investment [assuming I actively tour until I'm 103 – but keep that thought inside].

    • Very witty, Sean. Hilarious, in fact, and much funnier than Scott…

      Feschuk — he's after your job. Crush, kill, destroy!