It’s been quite a dry spell for the editors of tabloids and gossip sites. Britney hasn’t shaved anything off herself in public in years. Paris Hilton started strong but has failed to take the next logical step in her celebrity evolution, like joining a murderous cult or tongue-kissing Betty White. My God, Amy Winehouse was recently spotted in public drinking a Coke. U.S. politicians are trying their best to fill the void but they can only commit adultery so fast.
Desperate to keep readers during this drought of dirt, some tabs have taken the radical step of writing positive things about celebrities – which is how I know that Ms. Jessica Simpson is more so much more than a matched set of glistening flesh orbs. She is by all accounts an Oscar-calibre actress, a Grammy-calibre pop singer, an Emmy-calibre reality-show star and, apparently, some kind of Mensa-calibre super-genius of such formidable intelligence that she may be capable of bending the very contours of time, which would come in handy when you’ve got that many teeth to brush.
Things have gotten so bad that these were the actual, not-made-up top headlines a couple weeks back on the Us magazine website:
- Jon Gosselin’s Grandmother Suffers Fall.
- Ashlee Simpson: “I Could Do Splits When I Was Pregnant”
- Bradley Cooper: I’m a “Romantic”
What? No dish on Danny DeVito’s fantasy football team?
But lo, there is hope for those weary of far-fetched stories about Brad and Angie allegedly breaking up or Lindsay Lohan allegedly still being alive.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Gosselin has been declared “hot” by the Octomom.
You heard right – that Jon Gosselin, father of eight, has been deemed physically appealing by that Octomom, who was a mother of six until she realized how much better life would be if she just added eight infants and the ever-present threat of bankruptcy and foreclosure.
This is big. This is the gossip equivalent of a 1980s’ music supergroup. This is like Superman teaming up with Batman, except with more booster seats (Robin only needs the one). This is so huge that their first date will include a halftime show featuring Prince.
Why all the fuss? It all comes down to tabloid math. He has eight children. She has 14 children. If they get together, that works out to 22 future top-selling covers of People magazine featuring the words “traumatic childhood” and “battling substance abuse.” In your face, recession.
We need to get these two together pronto. A simple handshake would create a month’s worth of gossip fodder, a white-hot economic recovery and, if I understand the science, three to five embryos.