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I Have Seen the Future of Political Communication and it’s a Hologram of Mike Duffy


 

I’ve witnessed a lot of terrifying things in my time – I’ve seen John Goodman eat spaghetti, for God’s sake – but nothing comes close to this: it’s the head of Reluctant Senator Mike Duffy staring directly at me through my computer screen and greeting me by name.

duffy1

Okay, the name he actually says is “Stephen,” but that’s because this version of the new Duffy computer infomercial was personalized for blogger Stephen Taylor. Or maybe it was prepared so our Prime Minister could ease his way to sleep each night listening to the Independent Conservative senator repeatedly coo his name and itemize his positive qualities. You have a firm handshake, Stephen… you’re good with a hammer, Stephen… you look nice in green, Stephen… Either way, <shudder>…

Welcome to the future of political communication and size 54 suits that will haunt your nightmares! According to Taylor, “the automated Duffy has a whole bank of names to read from in the Conservative Party’s latest innovative fundraising and voter ID widget.” Conservatives began receiving their personalized Duffygrams last night. That’s what party members are calling them – Duffygrams. I guess that beats calling them Aiiiiieeeeeee!-mails.

Here’s how they work. You click on the thingy or whatever and up pops Duffy, who greets you by name and then launches into a three-minute bit about how great Canada is doing, how great it is to be doing so great and – above all – how all greaty great it is that all this greatness is on account of Stephen Harper. The “strong leadership of Stephen Harper.” The “decisive steps” of Stephen Harper. The “soft hands and rippling torso of Stephen Harper.” (One of these may be made up.)

RoboDuffy goes on to tout “the accomplishments of the past few years ever since Stephen Harper became our prime minister.” (In all fairness, he makes a good point here: Our country hadn’t accomplished a runaway deficit for, like, a decade and then – boom! – Harper.)

In Duffygramland, the recession has had no impact. There is no rising unemployment. There is no hardship. Instead, there is this: “I’m feeling the momentum and I’m sure you are!” And there’s this: “We’re moving forward! It’s exciting!!” Duffygramland sounds like a lovely place to live, were it not for the horrible epidemic of sycophancy.

One flaw: The Duffygram inexplicably ends without the Senator informing me that I could double my order and get twice the Conservative if I agree to pay shipping and handling.

ALSO: I know that most conservatives, and all Conservatives, have no sense of humour — but given that the Non-Partisan Non-Non-Partisan Senator was filmed in front of a green screen, shouldn’t they have opened with him standing in a forest for laugh-based reasons?


 
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I Have Seen the Future of Political Communication and it’s a Hologram of Mike Duffy

  1. It's a good thing his name wasn't Dave Taylor. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave.". Very freaky.

    • Dave Taylor is our Liberal MLA in Calgary

  2. For some reason, they seem to think that Mike Duffy is popular. Don Cherry too.

  3. Jesus mother of mary. The sheer ability to make a green screen of that size is remarkable.

    • I'm pretty sure Jesus wasn't Mary's mother….

  4. This man is a joke. I'm amazed that he can look at himself in the mirror every morning–seriously, where does one get a mirror large enough?

    By the way, does building bypasses for Mike Duffy's heart qualify for Canada's Economic Action Plan?

  5. I hope the Conservatives have put aside a large fund to cover all the smashed computer monitor claims they're going to get – on account of sheer instinctive response to a mini demon-Duffy.

    It reminds me of the time I took some bad acid, and had to destroy a mini Ezra Levant yelling at me from my microwave.

    • That was actually me – i was just trying to tell you your popcorn was ready. And some thanks I get.

      • You have to admit that hallucinations don't hinder my axe wielding very much.

    • That's some bad acid, dude. You should have hooked up your stash through Rahim.

        • It wasn't him. He's innocent. He was just delivering — what he thought was baking powder — to one of Helena's beauty contest friends.

          • I just wish we lived in a country tolerant enough to accept a man who is vehemently opposed to marijuana, yet okeydokey with cocaine.

            While we're on the topic, can someone explain to me why comments were disabled for this particular story, yet are left open for the Bryant affair?

  6. My immediate reaction would be to perceive this as a virus.
    Are you sure he doesn't mention ways that I can increase the girth of my manhood?

    • Surely there's nothing about Mike Duffy that will increase the girth of anyone's manhood

  7. Just hope there aren't pop-ups starring Adler and Rutherford.

  8. at appx 1:13, the Duffster pleads, "please, please be gentle."

    I'm cringing just thinking about it.

    • Yeah, big cuddle — uumph…

  9. Between this and continued running of the ads attacking the dreaded coalition now that his survival depends on it, Harper should require the Liberal party be made to pay for at least part of the CPC ad campaign since they will be the main beneficiaries.

  10. The entertainment value is amazing. Has he thought of trying out for the just for laughs comedy festival. The laughs are almost worth the stipend we pay him. The senatorial salary must be sufficient since it seems to be more than enough for Duffy's weight maintainance program.

  11. OK, i'm sure you're all doing this too now: typing in ethnic/minority names to see if Mike will personally greet anyone not named Bill or Steve or Scott.

    The answer, for the most part, is no. But if you type in "mohammed," Mike does call you by name. unfortunately, the name he calls you by is "kristy." (and then, after that, he calls you "mohammed." but i'd say the damage is done.)

    • Darwin works, for some more abstract humour.

      Unfortunately 'Pride' does not.

      Nor does Iggy.

  12. I personally love the Geolocating, so that you get a message specific to your province (at least in Quebec… gonna try spoofing an Ontario IP and see what I get there).

    Exactly what is Mike Duffy waving that paper at me for?

  13. So Scotty was terrified watching the Duffester—–guess he scares easily.

    It is a very well done piece by Senator Duffy——-I am sure it will draw a favourable response from the contributors to the CPC.

    Are there any Liberal Senators that could help out poor Iggy ——maybe the big M.

    • They've all decided Duffy is helping Iggy's cause just fine on his own.

  14. Damn you, Scott M.

    I typed in Scott and he just said the same standard opening.

    But then I typed in "Mike" and he said "Hey Mike, it's the ol' Duff!"

    I figure it's going to be a good two or three hours before I'll be able to stop putting in names.

  15. I'm sure this is old news to all the beta testers out there but I can confirm "A-hole" and a variety of other expletive deletives are not uttered by the portly infomercial-magician during my extensive testing session.

    However the Duffer does say "Hey dick!" a little too enthusiastically for my liking and this could be taken the wrong way in some circles.

  16. Mike Duffy looks as full of momentum as an anvil.

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