i need you now, tonight, and i need you more than ever


My little “Bonnie Tyler problem” is growing more acute. It’s been a week now. For a brief period yesterday I thought I’d had it licked – but I was making toast this morning and didn’t even realize I was singing Total Eclipse of the Heart until I was midway through the fourth line. Profanity ensued.

And now, gentle reader, I need your help.

I’ve tried repeatedly to dislodge the song but it has grabbed onto my subconscious like nothing since that 1979 photo of Kristy McNichol in short shorts. I’ve deployed the usual countermeasures: trying to sing other annoyingly catchy songs; trying to sing other annoyingly catchy songs from the same era (several people overheard me at Loblaws – does this mean I owe royalties to Kim Carnes?); theme songs; jingles; masturbation. Nothing’s worked. (With the benefit of hindsight, I see now that it was counterproductive to masturbate to the image of Bonnie Tyler.)

At this point I’d rather have just about anything else in my head, including a bullet. Plus now I’m starting to picture the song’s video as I sing. For those who’ve never seen it, the production is from an era when no video was complete without a literal interpretation of the song’s lyrics (the boys have actual “bright eyes”), 300 wind machines and just a tremendous amount of cocaine used in the brainstorming process:

“For this line of the song I see… dancing ninjas!”

“So we’ll move the flying altar boys to later then?”

“Right after the shirtless football players.”

So I’m desperate. This is my most distressing mental crisis since I sang Detroit Rock City all through Scout camp (to this day, Kumbaya reminds me of Ace Frehley). My eternal gratitude to anyone who can rid my neural pathways of this overwrought parasite of a song. Suggestions?


i need you now, tonight, and i need you more than ever

  1. As long as it’s stuck in your head, you may enjoy this.

  2. I learned years ago that the surest dislogding device for a musical earworm is to expose yourself to 5 minutes of the Disney tune “It’s a Small World.”

    Actually, it doesn’t actually dislodge the earworm as much as replaces it with another.

    Unfortunately, there is no known way to remove “It’s a Small World” from the iPod in your head once it has taken root.

    Hope that advice helps, though I’m at a loss to understand how it might do so.

    – JV

  3. Just think of the Mr. Ed theme song – that oughta do it.

  4. Duff beer for me, duff beer for you, I’ll have a duff…

  5. Dolly Parton songs always work for me… particularly “Here You Come Again.”

    Very cleansing.

  6. This made me think of the movie, Touching the Void , where, having fallen into a crevice with a broken leg, and abandoned for dead by his climbing partner, As told in a review: “[Joe] Simpson not wanting to die, dehydrated and frostbitten, on a Peruvian mountain with Boney M’s ‘Brown Girl in the Ring’ inexplicably tormenting his delirium” he makes an unbelievable effort to escape and survive.

    So, perhaps this 1978 live preformance can totally eclipse your mind wedgie

    Q: is that Prince/James Brown on stage in his early years?

  7. Scott:
    The Beverly Hillbillies theme song acts as a mental purgative. Just sing a few bars and your brain will be annoying-song free and bonus — Flatt and Scruggs don’t linger.

  8. Ding fries are done, ding fries are done…would you like an apple pie with that,would you like an apple pie with that. Ding..fries..are..done.

  9. Scott,
    I’ve always found that the tune “LA CUCARACHA”,
    will void any other tune from your head.

  10. Believe it or not, I’m walking on air
    I never thought I could feel so free-eee-eeeee
    Flying along on a wing and a prayer
    Who could it be?
    Believe it or not — it’s just meeeeeee

  11. This is so easy.


    BAYYBayyyyeeeeahhhayyyeeeyyahhhh, ooh I get chills when I’m with you, oooh oh whoa ooh whoa whoa oooh ohwhoa whoa whoa.

    BAAYYYYBaaayyyyeeyeeheeeyeea, my wooorrld stands still when I’m with youooooo…

    when ahm with youooooo

  12. Have you heard the new Cheez Whiz jingle? It’s like having your brain sliced with a rusty chainsaw. Every time I hear it I die a little inside.

  13. Well you know my name is Simon, and the things I draw(r) come true, and the pictures take me, take me climbing over the ladder wi-ith you…

    (works for me – good luck!)

  14. Dooooon’t stop

  15. Preliminary results are encouraging. The old bean is now is toxic swirl of melodic effluent – theme songs, commercial jingles and… ugh… Sheriff. I can honestly say the last bit of song to dig in its clutches for any length of time was the opening number from Greatest American Hero (as suggested by Mr. Wells), except that in my head it was sung in the voice of Bonnie Tyler. Sadly, this qualifies as an improvement.

    Let is also be stated for the record that, though I have lived and walked upon this earth for 40 years, today marks the first time a woman has ever posed to me the question: “Have you heard the new Cheez-Whiz jingle?” Were I not married, this would immediately become my go-to pickup line in bars. Do not even try to tell me this wouldn’t work.

    Thanks also to those who emailed me directly, especially Wallace – whose suggestion of Tubthumping by Chumbawumba was first to crack Bonnie’s hold – and Darren, who told me to stop whining because he spent an entire academic year with a dorm mate who was addicted to Wham!’s Make It Big and insisted on falling asleep every night to Careless Whisper.

    I think we can all learn a lesson from Darren. And that lesson is: There’s no comfort in the truth/Pain is ah-allllll you fiiiiiind… (That ought to be enough to drive him nuts for a few days).

    Oh damn, just now I started humming Baby I Love Your Way.

  16. SHERIFF!!!!

  17. Thanks for the shout out Scott but now I have your song and my jingle battling for domination in my brain.

  18. That pick-up line would totally work!
    Everybody knows that Cheez Whiz adds personality.

  19. You’re welcome.


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