If Stephen Harper Were Prime Minister in the Early 1930s


My fellow Canadians,

The Great Depression has hit the world hard. But not Canada!

Canada is doing extremely great by any comparative measure. While unemployment in some nations has surpassed 25%, in Canada it is only at 25%. Our food bank lines are longer and hoboier than those of any other industrialized country, virtually guaranteeing free publicity in Life magazine. (This will play nicely with our new tourism slogan: Canada — Come for the Bread Crust. Stay For the Waiting For the Next Bread Crust.) And while it’s true that our gross national product is down by 40%, other key economic indicators point to our relative strength. For instance, I looked around this morning and I still live in a huge house.

Although I was completely wrong in my forecast that we could not possibly have a Great Depression because we hadn’t already had a Great Depression, and while I’m confident that my description of the fall of 1929 as a “great buying opportunity” would in retrospect be hilarious to you if not for your resulting pennilessness, I would like you now to accept as gospel my optimistic predictions for our bright economic future.

My government will lead Canada out of this Depression using only the power of positive thinking and 23,902 different tax credits. Perhaps you’ve heard of our home renovation tax credit? In my experience it works like this, fellas: If you own a home and a wife, you will probably be doing home renovations this year. Already, many Canadians have discovered that there’s no more affordable way to board up your house before defaulting on your mortgage and fleeing into the night.

Friends: It’s time to put down your lard sandwiches and roll up the imaginary sleeves on the shirts you’d be wearing if you could still afford clothes. To emerge from this Depression, Canada must be united. Canadians must pull together. Canadians must join as one in a spirit of co-operation and non-partisanship. Except for Liberals, who are total douchebags.

I’ve got a hot lunch waiting for me at home so could I ask you to just stand there for a couple minutes and imagine I wrapped this up by saying something inspiring? Cool.

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If Stephen Harper Were Prime Minister in the Early 1930s

  1. Gold!

  2. Absolutely hits the spot. I listened to a snippet of his speach yesterday and was dismayed by his false sense of optimism. In my world, I have now lost track of the number of my friends and associates who have lost jobs or are about to. We need realistic leadership in this country

  3. Please sir, may I have another (wickedly funny column, that is)?

  4. Better than I expected. Thought we were going to get something about bringing in fascism as well.

    I really don’t understand why people expect the PM to tell us all to sell our assets, convert the cash to gold bullion and head for the hills because we are all doomed. Doomed I tell you!

    • To be honest, this is the least funny article by Feschuk in a long time. He seems to lose his sense of humor whenever Harper is the target.

    • I think I’d be happy if he’d stop trying to tell me that the f**king parrot is just resting or pining for the fjords. (Then I agree that he should be motivating and inspiring Canadians to roll up our sleeves and get thorugh this).

  5. “fellas: If you own a home and a wife, you will probably be doing home renovations this year”

    old joke:
    What do Canadian men do when they are mad at their wives?
    They go to Canadian Tire and buy power tools! … (he he, this’ll show her)

  6. Love the 23,902 different tax credits. The salesman at Rona gave me a quote last weekend and told me that Mr. Harper would be sending me a cheque to help me pay for my new floors. If looks can kill, that salesman is rip.

  7. HARPER REMINDS ME OF AN OLD SAYING. NERO(harper) FIDDLED WHILE ROME(canada) BURNS(read that as falls apart because of very poor leadership.

    • we’re on the same wavelength; been saying this too.

  8. While I don’t necessarily disagree that the message is hard for some people to take – particularly people who have lost their jobs or know of those who have, this is not the end of the world. The auto sector is hemmorhaging jobs left and right, but it was in long-term structural decline long before the recession hit. This is not great depression redux.

    The truth is that there is very little governments and central banks can do to weather the storm that they are not already doing. According to the Globe and Mail, the IMF report card that came out today gave the federal government and the Bank of Canada “glowing reviews” on “how the country’s policy makers and financial institutions are handling the global financial crisis”.

    There is a very real danger of doing too much (i.e. billions to GM and Chrysler) and causing significant damage to our future economic prospects so that we can delay the inevitable by a few months or years. It’s not worth it.

  9. If Harper were P.M. in 1930, he wouldn’t be P.M. now.

    That’s a wonderful thought, isn’t it? Pardon me while I daydream a little longer . . .

  10. Thank you for brightening up this grey grey Wednesday.

    I believe Stephen Harper belongs in the 1950s when women stayed at home. He seems to be big on that.

  11. If, by ‘home renovation’ he means ‘covering your broken windows with waxed paper’ then I suppose he is right.
    Although it would seem to me that single women are equally likely to be doing so.

  12. The renovation credit should also do wonders for creating portable cardboard domiciles for those ‘vacation’ homes in our parks. When rich people buy new stainless steel bidays (sic), it creates a box for 3 people to live in somewhere!
    And by our gov’t’s wise splurging of the federal rainy-day fund during the previous two years, we can now get into deficit 40% more quicker, thus expanding that feeling of shovel-readiness that will turn your frown upside down!
    Yeah for the recession!

  13. Not to remove the jogularity from all of this, but is not the IMF now confirming what Mr. Harper said?

  14. Oh gosh. I thought this was a Canadian magazine. I guess it’s really an Ontario magazine. Don’t forget that when you insult the PM you are insulting those who voted for him, who were indeed the majority.

    • Actually, in the non-insane world, nobody outside the prime minister’s Calgary riding “voted for him,” and his party received less than a majority of the votes in British Columbia, Manitoba, Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, PEI, Newfoundland and Labrador, and each of the three territories.

      • No SH fan here, but by that logic, Chretien only “won” Ontario and Nunavat in 2000….and that was against Stockwell “Wetsuit” Day. First past the poop is still an awful way of electing a government.

        • But that’s the way we do it, it’s the Constitution so people should get over it and move on. It’s horrible to hear people say they didn’t vote for Harper or did or for any of the leaders. We elect MPs people, get with the program. It might be tough for those who didn’t graduate high school to get it, but I’d expect university grads to grasp the concept.

    • Nobody’s insulting those who voted for Harper. Just their ballot decisions. For all I know, they may be largely decent and sensible people in other respects. But you’re right about the Ontario part – outside of this province absolutely everybody is brimming with kind words for the man.

  15. Well I’m not in Ontario and I think Harper’s the perfect example of a self made man showing the horrors of unskilled labour. Anybody differ?

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