If we’re going to worship idols, can’t they at least be entertaining?

At the risk of being called a churl and especially, a traitor to this magazine, I am going to insult the British monarchy.

For too long (in my humble opinion) valuable tabloid space has been monopolized by two classes of people you might call FFDN’s (Famous for Doing Nothings): the British Monarchy and The Housewives of Insert-American-City. The main difference between the two classes is that one class has some—class, that is—and the other doesn’t. The B.M., I will concede, is the winner in this regard, but it doesn’t stop them from being as tedious as the housewives. It seems as though every decent self-respecting celebrity rag has suddenly abandoned its traditional and proper focus on the cellulite and scandal of show-biz’s rich and famous, in favour of reality TV weddings and reluctant dog christenings.

You know we live in a twisted world when Brangelina’s Benetton brood and Charlie Sheen’s coke benders can’t compete with photos of Will and Kate eating fruit cake. It’s harsh, you might argue, to blame the young royals for having dessert, but couldn’t they at least pick something a little less fossilized? Something tasty, maybe?

Where’s the justice?

Certainly not in Canada. The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee has not only crippled our poolside/airport reading; it has (according to anti-monarchy group, Citizens for a Canadian Republic) crippled the Canadian economy—and reduced us to personality-cult-worshipping-losers.

Unfortunately, though, people will always revere other people, no matter how undeservedly, and governments (as this magazine has made explicitly clear) will always spend our money, no matter how dumbly. But unlike Citizens for a Canadian Republic, and the 6 Quebecois MPs who returned their Jubilee medals, all I ask is that if we have to spend millions of dollars on essentially baseless idol worship, let’s at least choose some idols who can put on a decent show.

I nominate the following for the job…