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i’m john mccain and i approve this growing sense of desperation


 

Tonight’s second U.S. presidential debate is bound to be less catatonic than the first, what with everyone telling John McCain that he’s trailing, losing, getting beaten and otherwise not winning. You think you’ve seen McCain’s ornery side before? Nobody puts (person who was a) Baby (125 years ago) in a corner.

McCain needs what’s known in politics as a “game changer.” With less than a month to go, desperation is setting in. You can tell from the way that McCain’s camp has sent out Sarah Palin to accuse Barack Obama of “pallin’ around with terrorists.” (I tell ya – one double date with bin Laden and a guy gets pigeon-holed.) The Republican candidate is going to be throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Obama tonight. He’d throw the sink, too, but he’ll be soaking his bunions in it.

Lately, McCain’s advisors have started thumbing through the pages of the Hillary Clinton playbook, trying to find something, anything – please Jesus let there be something! – that will stick to Obama. Maybe it’ll be his tolerance of the poisoned rhetoric of Reverend Wright. Maybe it’ll be his relationship with William Ayers. And what about these photos we just “found” of him French-kissing the head of Lehman Brothers while dressed up as a Muslim who’s burning the American flag with gasoline made from foreign oil and the tears of Pennsylvania orphans?

Remember how in the first debate McCain said Obama didn’t understand “the difference between a strategy and a tactic?” Well, John McCain knows the difference between a strategy and a tactic. For instance, a “strategy” is trying to portray yourself as someone who understands the values and challenges of the average American. A “tactic” is forgetting how many houses you own.

Things to watch for in tonight’s debate:

McCain Strategy: Neutralize the big issue of the day.
McCain Tactic: Harpo Marx horn blast every time Obama tries to mention the economy.

McCain Strategy: Come across as slightly less old than dirt.
McCain Tactic: Full text of opening statement: “Yo.” (Spend remaining 58 seconds hiking up loose-fitting pants.)

McCain Strategy: Connect with women voters.
McCain Tactic: Solemnly inform Americans that Obama personally responsible this past spring for all those Sex and the City spoilers.

McCain Strategy: Somehow convince voters he can bring change despite being long-serving Senator in party largely responsible for status quo.
McCain Tactic: Activate all-powerful new Hypno-Eye™.


 

i’m john mccain and i approve this growing sense of desperation

  1. You forgot the platform shoes.

  2. brilliant…i have to admit i never get tired of people making fun of mccain and palin.

  3. Mel, we will make fun of US economic situation in 2012 under Obama administration. The bailout he and his party (and McCain and many republicans) has voted for will make the crisis much worst and longer. So that has a good point: it will be easier in 2012 to have a REAL change.

  4. My prediction…

    Obama will unveil a new platform that includes enforced interracial, same-sex marriage for Americans living in States ending with an “a”.

    McCain will start referencing his “ticker” a lot, but assure voters that chest pains “won’t stop this maverick”. And he’ll reassert that the fundamentals of the economy are just great.

    Because I’m pretty sure nobody wants to take over as prison warden in the middle of a massive riot…

  5. If they do use the Hillary playbook, that would be good for McCain because she finished awfully strong. However, I think you give McCain campaign too much credit because I see no strategy at all.

    I think the game changer has passed McCain by. The bailout package was the game changer, and instead of listening to the public and their wish to not bailout Wall St, McCain sided with his Senate colleagues to pass a bill many people hate. He showed himself to be a typical pol and that killed any chance he had of making his ‘maverick’ image stick.

    I think McCain has two ideas tonight: Democrats, and Obama, are waist deep in the muck with their connections to Freddie/Fannie and how hard they worked to keep congress from reforming those two institutions.

    Second, and this is the kitchen sink part, will be an argument about do the people really want a Dem controlled congress and as president. Vote McCain for president to restrain the Dems in congress who spend like sailors on shore leave.

  6. Maybe someone should ask McCain the same questions that Palin has so far been unable to answer. Like the name of a newspaper he’s read, or an example of one policy that Palin has put in place to evoke change. At least one person on that ticket should be able to answer those questions before handing them the nuclear codes.

  7. *Democrats* are waist deep in with Fannie and Freddie?

    I thought Rick Davis, the man on the Freddie payroll, was McCain’s campaign manager?

    Oh jwl….your grasp of facts is about as firm as Palin’s.

  8. chickie, McCain loves reading all the papers, but his particular favourite is the New York Daily Mirror.

  9. Folks,

    The serious discussions are over at Daddy Coyne’s blog. Or you can stop by Cousin Kady’s and join the knee-jerk insanity (not her fault, she’s just way too tolerant). Brother Wells is always happy to match wits, and then crush you with his wry pithniness. But please, let’s try to preserve the funny here. History will judge us for our abilities to mock. I, for one, want to have a good answer when my grandkids ask what I did in the face of obvious satirical challenge…

  10. I concure with Sean S.

  11. Serious part of post:

    Prediction – John McCain will reverse his position on the bailout tonight in prime time.

    Non-serious part of post:

    Prediction – John McCain will hand Barack Obama a hot dog and say “More Pork?”

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