Insert mailbag questions here - Macleans.ca
 

Insert mailbag questions here


 

Time for a mailbag.

Sorry, that term isn’t gender neutral.

Time for a thou-dost-bag.


 
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Insert mailbag questions here

  1. "Time for a thou-dost-bag."

    Feschuk I have a koan for you. Are there any conservatives in the Conservative party?

    I was flabbergasted by Cons and how the could possibly believe altering national anthem would be minor initiative to distract people from other policies.

  2. If you were to compete in two-man luge or ice dancing in the next Winter Olympics, who, among the many politicians on Parliament Hill, would you select? In the spirit of gender neutrality, thou dost can choose man or woman.

    • I'm not sure who Scott would pick but I suddenly had an image of John Baird and Gary Lunn lugeing their way to victory together in 2014.

  3. Is it true that the Oliphant Commission report is now officially due for release the day after the next election?

  4. What can we do to ensure that we get more contributions from Earth'Ln? Could he be granted status as a special correspondent on anti-canadian activities?

  5. What can we do to ensure that we get more contributions from Earth'Ln? Could he be granted status as a special correspondent on anti-canadian activities? (really mee this time)

  6. I was recently arrested for driving while impaired. I need some legal advice.

    Well more precisely, I had a kilo of peruvian pinkflake in the passenger seat, and had an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at my feet. Plus, there was a half a joint in the ashtray. I was driving the wrong way down a one way street at twice the posted speed limit. Okay, it was mostly on sidewalk.

    Anywhoo, here is my question:

    Is it too late to marry a cabinet minister?

    • Baird’s still single, I believe.

  7. Damn you, Mike T.! Out-typed me again!

    • …and I got your little dog, too!

  8. Dear Scott,

    What would the "Mighty Ducks" franchise of films have been like if Charlie Sheen had been cast as Coach Bombay instead of his brother Emilio?

    • Dear Scott,

      What would the television show "The West Wing" have been like if Charlie Sheen had been cast as President Bartlett instead of his father Martin?

      • The really jarring screen tests are when Stockard Channing plays Abigail Bartlett straight up as Rizzo.

      • Dear Scott,

        What would happen if Charlie Sheen was married to Helena Guergis instead of Rahim Jaffer?

        • Charlie Sheen is married to Rahim Jaffer!?

          • As I was on the bus, I had to fight exceedingly hard to stifle my laughter when I read this and only partially succeeded.

            Nice one.

      • LOL I like this question better. Many more possibilities.

    • First of all if Charlie Sheen had been Gordon Bombay he would have scored on that triple deke when he was 15 and gone on to a spectacular NHL career rather than becoming a lawyer and judge ordered hockey coach.

      Second, if for some reason after scoring on the triple deke an injury had felled his NHL career and he did end up coaching the Might Ducks, there is no way that Sheen could have developed anything as awesome as the "Flying V" to win the final game for his team.

      • What if Charlie Sheen had played Dr. Bombay instead of Gordon Bombay?

        • Ironically, Jaffer's family does not come from Bombay. But he was loaded on Bombay Gin on the night in question. Allegedly.

          Talk about your six degrees of separation.

          BTW, doesn't his website just scream: "Private Citizen"!? How unfair of the press to associate him in any way with the Conservative Party:

          http://www.rahimjaffer.com/index.html

          • I see he hasn't had a chance to update his bio lately. Yeah, nothing public or partisan about that site.

  9. Dear Scott,

    Why aren't there any female bloggers on Macleans anymore? Where did they all go? Surely not the House of Commons…

  10. Helena Guergis claimed she worked her ass off on PEI somewhere. What has become of it? I thought I may have seen it being used as a bicycle stand in front of a Summerside Cows ice cream store.

    • Oh that's funny.

  11. I've heard that seal meat tastes like chicken. Is that true?

  12. Scott,

    March Break is looming and I need ideas to occupy my three boys – aged 5, 8 and 10. Any suggestions (or offers to take them off my hands) would be appreciated.

  13. Scott, have you heard about the group of carpenter/musicians who formed a brass quartet and called themselves "The Tuba Four"?

  14. Watching the evening news coverage of the Speech from the Throne I found myself wondering how many couples have messsed around on that throne over the years.

    But my question is about Baconnaise. How can something so awesome and delicious gross out my fiancé so much? And does this have widder reaching implications in terms of our future together?

    • sounds good for dipping poutine into…

  15. Scott,

    I've started tuning into CBC's financial reporting, especially when Amanda Lang is on. My wife is starting to get suspicious.

    Any tips on how I can convince her that I am really, really interested in the banking regulation?

    • We share the same affliction you and I. I console myself with the idea that if my CBC viewing eventually leads to my needing a lawyer I can always try to hire Amanda's twin sister.

    • Look but don't listen to any advice Amanduh offers.

  16. Scott, what's the price point you're holding out for before you turn over Crosby's equipment?

  17. Dear Scott,

    I work for a large bureaucratic organization. Yesterday I received our daily broadcast email and it stated that broadcast emails weren't working. Does that mean broadcasts were working or they weren't working?

    I am sure your clear insightful grasp of modern life will quickly point to the correct way to interpret this EMail.

  18. Dear Scott, aka "Funnyman":

    Other than humour, what special skills do you possess that won you the back seat position for Maclean'se four-man bobsled team?

    Also, why is Paul's helmet bigger and more bulbous than the others, and just how long after the Olympics will Macleans wait to take the online banners down?

  19. The second question is the answer to the first.

  20. We are clearly at a point where the entertainment value of the questions for the mailbag exceed that of the mailbag itself.

    • Don't answer this one, Scott. You wrote it yourself!

    • Be proud: you've built an online community of douches who gather from coast to coast to coast to outsnark each other. It's awesome!

    • As a little girl famously told her mother when asked if there were lobsters present at the birth of Christ.

      "Well, duhh!"

  21. Scott, I see on the interwebs that yet another celebrity sex tape has been released. Do you or any of your fellow bloggers on this site have any similar plans?

  22. If politicians were made gender-neutral after election, could we attract a better class of candidates?

  23. Scott, last year I commented that I wished you'd quit with the Kirstie Alley jokes and you responded that as an actor making money out of her obesity, she was fair game. I accepted this as a reasonable response.

    I understand that on March 21, A&E will launch a new reality show following Alley's struggle to lose weight. Promo video link pasted in below — (warning: there's a lot of finger-licking in it, if you know what I mean).

    My question: will you liveblog the show premiere? I'll watch it if you'll liveblog it!

    http://ca.tv.yahoo.com/kirstie-alley-39-s-big-lif

  24. What is the appropriate minimum sentence for an MP driving drunk and in possession of cocaine? What if he is married to Helena Guergis?

    • House arrest.

      • You mean like, *House of Commons* arrest?

        • I was thinking the House of Helena, although it might not pass the cruel and unusual standard.

  25. Scott, wouldn't you agree that anything-'bag' is not a gender neutral term?

    • 'Old' bag, 'D' bag – usually directed at us

  26. Raffim Jaffer is indeed a lucky man. He is married to a lovely and talented woman. He doesn't have a criminal record. He has lots of time to reflect on life's little bumps in the road.

    Scott, if you were to assist Jaffer stage a political comeback, how would you do it?

    • Related question: what would the first line of an apology speech for Rahim be if written by Feschuk.Reid?

      • Further related question: Would the apology speech contain any humorous Buddhism/Tiger Woods references?

        • Or references to the lovely Helena channelling Naomi Campbell?

        • I think those would be obligatory.

  27. Dear Scott,
    I need your advice. Much like our prime minister, I too have trouble keeping women happy. Just yesterday, I failed to notice my wife's new haircut, and when prompted, said the wrong thing. (Apparently, "How much did it cost?" wasn't the feedback she was looking for). I am currently couch-bound, and need a quick fix that won't cost me too much money. Sadly, our house does not yet have a national anthem I can alter to make it up to her. What do you suggest?

  28. The world needs a name for Guergis and Jaffer — you know, a conflation like Brangelina and Bennifer. Can you provide some ideas — I was thinking Shitsnort.

  29. Well, that wouldn't come through. One more time:
    The world needs a nice easy conflated name for Guergus and Jaffer — like Brangelina, something that rolls off the tongue.

    Can you help with this?

    • (Ra) him-elena ?