Internal Conservative memo: The Coyne Menace - Macleans.ca
 

Internal Conservative memo: The Coyne Menace


 

Well, we feared it would happen – and it’s happened: Andrew Coyne has figured it out. He knows about our electromagnetic pulse designed to knock out the entire country’s brain waves and make it impossible for anyone to think straight. And he’s gone and blabbed it to everyone on his so-called “blog.”

I knew we should have nationalized that bastard.

So… now what? Now what do we do?

First of all, let’s not overlook the fact there’s an upside here: We now know for certain that one pulse won’t do it. One pulse is not enough to mentally diminish the whole of the electorate to the point that luge-watching becomes a plausible reason to shut down Parliament.

On the other hand, we know from extensive testing on Jim Prentice that seven electromagnetic pulses is too many. Not a thing he said in Copenhagen made a lick of sense. And now his watch doesn’t work.

Strategic Options:

A second electromagnetic pulse. Sure, the sheer force of the pulse would ruin all iPods and most pancreases, but it would also likely finish the job of wiping out the country’s brain waves. The people would accept that prorogation is in the national interest because the people would be unable to think straight. The people would also start perceiving John Baird as rational and pleasant (same reason).

One issue: It might be difficult on short notice to get hold of the pulse machine. It’s currently being used by Sarah Jessica Parker to confuse men into accepting that she’s physically attractive. (And believe me: When and if she finally succeeds, that fuel cell is going to be spent.)

HypnoRay™. This could leave Canadians believing that prorogation was a sensible course of action. Done right, it could also leave Canadians believing they are chickens. We solve our image problem and we get eggs – folks, that’s a win-win in anyone’s book.

Hire the Slap Chop guy. “Hi, this is Vince. You’re going to be in a great mood all day, Canada, because you’re going to be proroguing your troubles away. This democracy looks boring. Stop having a boring democracy, stop having a boring life. Add in a little prorogation. You’re going to have an exciting democracy! Act now and I’m going to throw in, absolutely free, a wholesale disdain for Parliament as an institution!”

Peter MacKay could take off his shirt and mesmerize Canadians for an extended period with a variety of flexing and posing. Found this one in the suggestion box. Thanks, P. MacKay.

One we get this prorogation ship righted, we’ve got other problems. Hockey book? Total bullshit.


 
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Internal Conservative memo: The Coyne Menace

  1. It's currently being used by Sarah Jessica Parker to confuse men into accepting that she's physically attractive.*

    *at least in the city of Ottawa

    (Thx to Laura Drake)

  2. What's that wachamathingy that you guys in the press have…that neat gadget, that creates a beam where the public is "zapped" and given the notion that,

    prorogue is a rare, extraordinary event that has never happened.

    It's coool, and it seems to have some sort of filtering mechanism to withold context – like parliament's been prorogued over one hundred times,

    while at the same time has a magnifying function which concentrates the rays over and over an over again to increase the intensity of the "message".

    And I love that "agenda" dial which allows the press to pick the "correct" message, which then automatically sets the appropriate ffilter and intensity functions.

    Cool.

    • It's true. Media think we are stupid. Parliament has been prorogued 104 times in 143 years. If the Liberals have been in power more often than the Conservatives, that would mean that…ahhhh, argh, pffft, the ray is getting t

      • Prorogation is used as a tool to end a completed session. The difference here and the reason why most Canadians are angry at Harper is that he clearly used this tool to stop the Opposition from asking further questions. Why would he do this? He's hiding something. If he can't walk (run the government) and chew gum (plan ahead), his leadership is clearly in question.

      • It's not the proroguing so much as the reason for it. Last year, I think most people were willing to forgive him for it, as it allowed the country to avoid being governed by an unsavoury coalition of incompetents. If that wasn't a responsible use of prorogation, nothing is. This year is entirely different, and it is quite obvious the PM is abusing the powers of his office. He has not violated any written rules, but has certainly run roughshod over Parliamentary convention. To be fair, that never started with him. It's been a slow erosion over time. (Dithers ignoring repeated non-confidence motions comes to mind as another recent example.) But that does not give Harper an excuse for allowing that erosion to continue.

    • What's the name of that device you use to block out anything that criticizes your dear leader?

      • "Tinfoil hat"

    • That thing? I'm using it to make women think I have hidden depth.

      • Like a manhole with a false cover!

  3. Responding to biff?! Is business at FeschukReid that bad?

    • Hey, if you see an opportunity to use the word "Sexalyzer", you just don't pass it up.

  4. Ooooh, that HypnoRay has real possibilities!
    Testing done in the Adscam years showed a build up of immunity tho.

  5. The problem with a second pulse is that after the first, nobody in the Conservative Cabinet has enough brain power left to remember how to send out another one.

    • So they've been using it for some time then.

  6. Cons don't like science, they don't like education and they hate smart people. This is probably beyond them – when they don't have an understanding or respone – adscam.

    One line of thought never to progress.

  7. Cons vs Libs: flip a Coyne.

  8. Sample commercial for the "progressive ray blaster":

    "Tired of watching the "wrong" party stay in power? Impatient that the governing party's 'hidden agenda' is staying hidden just a bit too well hidden?
    Have you been wondering how you can better use the power of the media, to tell readers the "correct" way to view facts?

    It's time you try the Progressive Ray Blaster!

    No more trusting those ignorant masses to draw their own conclusions from nasty objective facts. Take control of the message. The Progressive message! With the Progressive Ray Blaster!

    ….available at all MSM outlets, get yours today!"

  9. Feschuk wrote ALL ther comments

  10. It should be called somthing like the "progressive ray blaster" or something closer to the mark "the dialomatic statist propaganda message dispenser" complete with disposable anti-conservative messages.

    • I've been calling it the Sexalyzer. Now I feel dumb.

  11. "So… now what? Now what do we do"?…hmmm wonder if Andrews still on that short list for the senate?…

  12. "So… now what? Now what do we do"?…

    Plan B boys…fire up the duffster..

  13. When it comes to Sarah Jessica Parker, there's no confusion. She is the most unambiguously unattractive woman to ever grace the cover of a magazine. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But in this case, there are no beholders.

  14. I incorrectly read the label on the bottle pictured in your link, and drank a full container of Drano. I am now more miserable than ever, and bleeding from places I shouldn't be. Thanks.

  15. Jeremy Clarckson said she looks like a boiled horse.