Internal Conservative memo: The Coyne Menace - Macleans.ca

Internal Conservative memo: The Coyne Menace

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Well, we feared it would happen – and it’s happened: Andrew Coyne has figured it out. He knows about our electromagnetic pulse designed to knock out the entire country’s brain waves and make it impossible for anyone to think straight. And he’s gone and blabbed it to everyone on his so-called “blog.”

I knew we should have nationalized that bastard.

So… now what? Now what do we do?

First of all, let’s not overlook the fact there’s an upside here: We now know for certain that one pulse won’t do it. One pulse is not enough to mentally diminish the whole of the electorate to the point that luge-watching becomes a plausible reason to shut down Parliament.

On the other hand, we know from extensive testing on Jim Prentice that seven electromagnetic pulses is too many. Not a thing he said in Copenhagen made a lick of sense. And now his watch doesn’t work.

Strategic Options:

A second electromagnetic pulse. Sure, the sheer force of the pulse would ruin all iPods and most pancreases, but it would also likely finish the job of wiping out the country’s brain waves. The people would accept that prorogation is in the national interest because the people would be unable to think straight. The people would also start perceiving John Baird as rational and pleasant (same reason).

One issue: It might be difficult on short notice to get hold of the pulse machine. It’s currently being used by Sarah Jessica Parker to confuse men into accepting that she’s physically attractive. (And believe me: When and if she finally succeeds, that fuel cell is going to be spent.)

HypnoRay™. This could leave Canadians believing that prorogation was a sensible course of action. Done right, it could also leave Canadians believing they are chickens. We solve our image problem and we get eggs – folks, that’s a win-win in anyone’s book.

Hire the Slap Chop guy. “Hi, this is Vince. You’re going to be in a great mood all day, Canada, because you’re going to be proroguing your troubles away. This democracy looks boring. Stop having a boring democracy, stop having a boring life. Add in a little prorogation. You’re going to have an exciting democracy! Act now and I’m going to throw in, absolutely free, a wholesale disdain for Parliament as an institution!”

Peter MacKay could take off his shirt and mesmerize Canadians for an extended period with a variety of flexing and posing. Found this one in the suggestion box. Thanks, P. MacKay.

One we get this prorogation ship righted, we’ve got other problems. Hockey book? Total bullshit.

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