Investigating a certain other God particle

What we can glean from Stephen Harper’s Calgary Stampede speech

Investigating a certain other God particle

CP; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Stephen Harper gave a speech this past weekend at the Calgary Stampede. The Prime Minister’s words are in bold. Mine are not.

The Stampede! The greatest outdoor show on Earth! Hosted in the greatest city of the greatest country in the world!

You heard him—Calgary is the GREATEST CITY in the world. Apparently, that title is now conferred based on largest number of Earls restaurants.

We remember when the new Conservative party was just a concept and some smirked and said Canada’s right would never unite.

That’s not true. Many of us chose to snigger.

You, and people like you, got to work—[people] who loved this country and loathed what the other parties were doing to it.

For instance, who among us didn’t loathe those consecutive balanced budgets? Having to tally so many billions in surplus—those Liberals made us do math, dammit.

And so we built a party—a party to carry conservative ideas to Ottawa.

And, once in Ottawa, a party to drop conservative ideas, jack up spending and make sure Peter MacKay has a lift home.

But my friends, tonight is not about the past.

[A tear rolls down the past’s left cheek.]

It’s about the work we still have to do if Canada is going to be all that Canada can be.

Remain steadfast, friends—the task of coaxing John Baird to use his inside voice continues.

Having a majority does not mean it’s time to take the foot off the gas. On the contrary, it’s time to shove the pedal to the floor and get things done.

(In the speech draft released by the PMO, pedal is spelled “peddle”—and, to be fair, when it comes to trying to convince us that Harper’s economic genius is responsible for Canada’s relative prosperity, the government is indeed “shoving the peddle.”)

And, by the way, we have not given up on our goal of reforming the Senate.

Interesting choice of words there: “by the way.” It really conveys a sense of commitment. I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who famously declared: “And, by the way, just FYI, still totally against slavery.”

We have finally eliminated those extravagant $30-million subsidies we used to pay to political parties!

Imagine if we’d done so in time to give that money to Tony Clement: his hometown would be even more gazeboed. It would be so gazeboed that it would be the greatest city in the world! Sorry, Calgary.

Last year we won . . . C’mon now, you know what I’m going to say, so say it with me . . . Last year we won a strong, stable, national, majority Conservative government!

Friends: those European physicists are out to lunch. We all know it is my strong, stable, national, excessively adjectived majority Conservative government that holds together the known universe. That’s why they call it the Harper boson.

As we approach the 150th anniversary of Confederation, we are highlighting the actions and the sacrifices made by our ancestors.

If you enjoyed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, get ready for the NFB blockbuster Laura Secord: Zombie Whisperer.

It is hard to believe that two centuries ago, this country was invaded by the U.S. But more unbelievable is that it survived the invasion.

This just in: Harper doubts Canada’s military capabilities. WHY WON’T HE SUPPORT THE TROOPS?

But it did more than just survive [the war] . . . what a fantastic Canadian story!

Especially all the scalpings, gangrene and dysentery!

The world around us seems to be one of extraordinary uncertainty—its economy fragile, its conflicts dangerous, its future dire . . .

its Kardashians divorced, its muffins “over-cakey” . . .

To succeed, what the world must become in the future . . . is what Canada is today.

Here’s how to become like us, world: exploit your massive natural bounty of resources to prop up your economy during times of hardship. Wait—you don’t have a bounty of resources? No problemo! Bury some algae and goldfish and whatnot. Get every citizen of your country to press down really hard on the ground. Wait a few million years. Presto, oil boom!

Thank you again for your steadfast support! God bless Canada.

But not Calgary—if that place gets any more spectacular, we’re just rubbing New York’s face in it.


Investigating a certain other God particle

  1. Uuh Scott-Just please lighten up…you are so at angles….all sharp points and obtuse.

  2. Wow, I dont reccommend you as a speech writer. You wouldn’t be very inspiring.

  3. What a pointless article. It’s not informative, remotely humorous or entertaining. All this article manages to do successfully is convey the author’s bitterness about the results of the 2011 election.

    • Pointless? It shows us the author’s opinion of Harper’s speech, and his thoughts and actions. It certainly IS informative How is that pointless? If you agree with the Harper conservatives, or are offended by it, don’t read the article.

  4. ‘To succeed, what the world must become in the future . . . is what Canada is today.’

    And at this point, somebody should have brought out the butterfly net, and double-checked his meds…..because Harp actually said that line.

  5. Thank you for making this speech less cringe worthy and almost funny.

  6. Must be a slow media day!

  7. Harper’s continuous misleading propaganda about our economy is nothing more than electioneering.

  8. Harper is such a weasel on the economy. During the 2011 election, he claimed he made Canada an “economic star.” Yet the Economist article he quoted said, “Much of the country’s resilience stems from policies—such as bank regulation and sound public finances—which predate Mr Harper.”

    He distorts statistics falsely claiming he created “750,000 jobs.” The reality is there are 240,000 more unemployed than before the recession hit and the unemployment rate is 1 point higher (6.1% prior; 7.2% current.) In fact since coming to power the economy has shed 500,000 good-paying manufacturing jobs.

    He lies to Canadians claiming Canada has the lowest debt of G7 countries “by a country mile.” In reality, we rank #3 of 7. (2011 IMF: Germany 82%, UK 83%, Canada 85%, France 86%, US 103%, Italy 120%, Japan 230%.)

    Canada did rank #1 before Harper came to power and raised spending by $100B/yr; worse than Bob Rae’s record according to Andrew Coyne. (The $100B/yr excludes the 2009 and 2010 stimulus spending.)

    We rank #17 in productivity (OECD; #5 of G7) and have a whopping 3% trade deficit (bottom of G7 tied with Italy and the US.) It’s absurd to suggest we are the envy of the world.

    • You make a good point about our low productivity. We have been relying on the low dollar to make our exports affordable for too long. Now, combined with the large volume of oil sales made for US dollars driving up the value of our currency, it has become a critical problem that must be addressed. We need to invest more in education and use the tax systems to encourage companies to invest in improved technology and innovation.

    • The problem is that he is a legend in his own mind ~ but no one else’s!! LOL Fat lil faux pm……

  9. Thank you Scott. Finally… the real script. I wonder what Harper will say when he is dethroned?

  10. Dear Stephen, Just because you say something is true , doesn’t make it true. We can see you. You have no clothes.

  11. I guess all the posters who disagree with our Prime Minister’s description of Calgary are eating crow after today’s release of an Angus Reid poll that puts Calgary at the top of th list! Heck, Toronto even voted for Calgary .. and I can understand why.

  12. I agree that the Conservative Government should stop listening to the opposition parties when they demand more “stimulus spending”, and return to the Liberals “balanced budget” strategy of racking up a huge irresponsible debt, and then downloading onto the Provinces by slashing spending in healthcare and post secondary education, while simultaneously stealing from the EI program to give the illusion of “balancing” the budget. The adscam party has so much to teach “Harper” about “balanced budgets”.

    • Well said. It is funny how quickly people forget the past.

  13. Scott, this is one of your dumbest pieces of work yet. Sometimes you are funny. . .