5

it’s a cud thing


 

Put down what you are doing – this is an emergency. Martha Stewart needs your help!

Don’t worry, you won’t have to pluck pheasant or obstruct justice or anything. It’s just that Martha has been asked to babysit some midget cows for the summer but the midget cows don’t have names so she wants you to help name her new midget cows. And here’s the most disturbing piece of information of all: not one word of that previous sentence is a lie.


“My friends and neighbors, Judy and Michael Steinhardt, keep quite a menagerie of animals on their property,” Martha writes on her blog. “They asked me recently, if I would be interested in taking in their rather adorable pair of miniature Herefords for the summer. Since they eat grass, which, I happen to have an abundance of, I decided to give ‘cow-sitting’ a try.”

First of all, please do not buy Martha Stewart any commas for Christmas. She clearly has an excess supply and is trying desperately to get rid of them.

Second, let us pause and give thanks for the Internet. Yay Internet! If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t be able to keep up with crucial developments of global import, such as cow naming with Martha Stewart and sex having with Charlie Sheen.

Third, it’s the weirdest thing – I suddenly have a craving for a very small hamburger.

Anyhoo, let us leave aside the question of whether it wise to entrust your midget cows to a woman with her own cooking show and instead focus on the task at hand – giving human names to animals too stupid to recognize or ever respond to them in any way.

Unsurprisingly, Martha – who, it should be said, already keeps a number of miniature horses on her property and is perhaps in the process of building the first backyard in the world where Tom Cruise can feel tall – is unwilling to cede total control. Her blog offers a list of suggested names from which we are urged to choose. They are:

  • Napoleon and Josephine
  • Lily and Carlos
  • Maggie and Thatcher
  • Sir Loin and Madame Bovine
  • Bridgitte and Balthazar
  • Hillary and Barack
  • Dandy and Clover
  • Isabel and Ferdinand
  • Jen and Ben

I am confident the former prime minister of Great Britain is touched that tribute is being paid to her long and influential political career in the form of potentially affixing her esteemed name to a pair of domesticated ungulates. Because really, what woman wouldn’t enjoy that?

“By the way,” Martha notes, “Lily and Carlos both work for me at my house in Bedford.” And believe you me: winning the contest and having two midget cows named after them will definitely make up for no paid holidays or health coverage.


 

it’s a cud thing

  1. UPDATE: folks, i’ve gone and done my bit by voting for lily and carlos. i also submitted a write-in ballot for “Oprah” and “Has a Huge Ego,” just because i think it would sound funny when she calls them for dinner. but i’m distressed to report that “jen and ben” are in the lead. if we allow midget cows to be named after ben affleck, soon his name will be on public schools, major thoroughfares and horrible diseases. stop the insanity. vote lily and carlos now.

  2. SF,

    Did my civic, nay moral, obligation and voted for the servants. But it’s an uphill battle as you failed to mention this crucial bit of information from Martha:

    Jen and Ben are a famous Hollywood couple (they named their dog after me!)

    Conspiracy! Back to Camp Cupcake.

  3. Scott, thank you for this important information. I have done my civic duty and voted. I voted for Maggie and Thatcher (I forget already: are those the names?) in honour of England. Yay England. Well that’s probably not the greatest reason for voting, I guess too much time on my hands would be the best reason I could give at the moment.

  4. Wot, we couldn’t get any Canadian content? No ‘Conrad’ and ‘Babs’? Though, one would have to be kept in a pen…

  5. Well….
    How about naming one Scott…
    and
    the
    other… Feschuk…
    This would ensure your 15 minutes of fame, for well, 15 minutes…
    Sure beats calling one Martha…
    and… the…
    other… Stewart

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