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It’s a tough morning if you’re an Olympic mascot

SCOTT FESCHUK comes to the defence of Wenlock and Mandeville


 

There hasn’t been a more disastrous debut since the opening beats of my 2 Live Crew cover band. But screw it: I don’t care what everybody else says. I like the new Olympic and Paralympic mascots. And I especially like them in this photo. They look like anthropomorphized Wii controllers being caught by the paparazzi stumbling home from an all-night bender at Super Mario’s. What? Gay? Us? Run!

Wait - why run when we can... levitate!

According to 2012 Olympic mythology, Wenlock (left) and Mandeville were inanimate objects that came to life one day when they were exposed to the beams of a rainbow – which is a nice little tale, and also exactly how we ended up with Clay Aiken. Kids will love them because they are freaky Cyclops monsters and Johnny Weir will love them because – boom – Hallowe’en costume ideas for his penis. It’s dressed as Mandeville – now give it a treat.

Wenlock, seen here about to devour us all

The best part of the mascots’ debut was the vitriol and derision that it generated from members of the British press. They don’t seem to grasp that these mascots are meant for children. They’re weird-looking and semi-creepy and THAT IS WHAT CHILDREN LIKE. Come on, grown-ups: You don’t see British kids making fun of your crazy-looking mascots.


 

It’s a tough morning if you’re an Olympic mascot

  1. Wenlock looks like T2's missing dick.

  2. Manville looks like he/she has a full diaper load

  3. "What? Gay? Us? Run!"

    Hey, how come you get to say (funny) stuff like this? Do you have some sort of "Bath House Pass" similar to John Mayer's "Ghetto Pass"?

    Is Mandeville wearing "uni-chaps"?

    • I'm pretty sure anyone is allowed to call any fictional character gay. People do it all the time with the Teletubbies and Tom Cruise.

      • And Sponge Bob Square Pants (who Harper looks like by the way).

  4. "Sunglasses here with frames shaped like Wenlock and Manville. Get your sunglasses here."

  5. Kang and Kodos heading out for a night at the disco?

    • That's exactly what (who?) I was thinking of! They just need more drool.

      • That, or it's ultrasound images of the Power Rangers around the five month gestation point.

    • I was thinking Leela Turanga myself. Perhaps a cross between Leela and Weebles?

      I kinda like them.

  6. I love them too. Like you said, mascots are for kids, and if they make adults go "WTF?" all the better.

  7. I love that mad gleam in Philip's eye. He looks so delightfully off his freaking rocker, but in a classy British way.

  8. Part mascot, part emergency eyewash station.

    • Turning on the tap is a bit embarassing, though.

  9. C’mon it’s obvious…they’re British teeth.

    Two curry-stained, cavity ridden incisors, to be exact.

    • Bicuspids?

      Is this mic on?

  10. Is he a paralympic mascot because he only has one eye?

  11. I don't think that's levitation. I think that's the Earth actively recoilling in horror.

    The only thing I like about these things is apparently they're made of steel. It's refreshing that the country that gave the world industrialisation isn't cramming more cuddly imaginary animals down our throats. I see an army of Wenlocks) and Mandevilles clear-cutting across Clayoquot Sound and driving out the Quatchis, Sumis, and Migas. Pure beauty.

  12. I like them but I have to say that I just don't get the blue crotch thing… What is that about?

  13. It was a given that Canadians would make fun of anything to do with the Olympics in Britain after the press over there made fun of the Van. O's … all so childish really.

    For the record I like the mascots.

    • Coming soon to an adult novelty store near you…

  14. When they stand together they look like eye stalks sticking out of the ground. They're the only identifying marker of a monster preparing to rise from the pavement and consume us all. Perfect analogy to the Olympics.

  15. I'm not so sure little kids will like these mascots as much as be terrified of them.

    And let's face it, they're Kodos and Kang in jumpsuits. The folks at the "The Simpsons" are no doubt talking to their lawyers this morning…

    • Speaking of the Simpsons. I read somewhere recently that the "2012" logo was the first disaster of the London Games (these whatevers being the next) because the stylized numbers conjured up an image of Lisa Simpson performing an act, shall we say, beyond her years. My mental image of the logo did not allow me to see how that could be possible.

      Now that I see the "2012" logo on the front of that white-and-orange creature, I see exactly what he meant. And I will (curse that commenter) not be able to think of anything else whenever I see it. And now, dear reader (curse that MYL), neither will you. You're welcome.

  16. They look like they should have been villains in an episode of Doctor Who (not the current series but from the 70's). I would have loved to see Jon Pertwee or Tom Baker fight those two.

  17. This was a design by committee. The blue one looks like it is very happy to see the yellow one judging from the bulge in its pants!

    • Yeah they should never have launched them during mating season.

  18. I think I saw these guys once when I went to Burning Man. Some guy handed me a sugar cube and told me to eat it; two hours later Mandeville and Wenlock were urging me to follow them down a rabbit hole.

  19. Where were they at Canada's closing VANOC ceremonies? They would have fit in beautifully.

  20. These mascots are going to be a hit- kids are going to go crazy for them.. The animated versions that I saw are actually pretty awesome. The costume versions are just too big. Its a minor problem.

  21. Is it me or do they look like something that would show up in Sarah Jane Adventure’s? A kind and friendly creature out to destroy the human race, sell off the planet as parts, and create their own intergalactic evil empire.

    Also, royal family…totally creepy.

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