Julian Fantino’s correspondence as a child - Macleans.ca

Julian Fantino’s correspondence as a child


In the aftermath of today’s Globe story, a closer look at Conservative MP Julian Fantino’s formative years…

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,

You call this a sweater? Eight years I’ve worn sweaters. Eight. Years.

And you come at me with acrylic?

I would rather stare into the barrel of a loaded .45 than this garish shade of royal blue.

I am driven by three things: I know who I am, I know what I’m here to do and acrylic sucks arse. You just pushed the wrong buttons, red.

Bought into the whole jolly elf thing. Four minutes I spent sitting on the knee. Specific mentions made of natural fibers. And then this.

And all the nonsense about me being “naughty?” Ludicrous. Anyone could have spray-painted my name on the family dog.

You come at me with these allegations and I’m going to come right back at you. I call it the Hitler Theory, in that it’s my theory that you are worse than Hitler.

Yours in dismay,

Master Julian Fantino

P.S. I made the dog lick all three of the cookies I left for you.

• • •

Dear Tooth Fairy,

A dime? Are you kidding me?

Six years now I’ve had that incisor. Six years of chewing, brushing, smiling. Six years of harrowing ordeals with hard candy and that goddamn caramel apple from last summer. Heroism on display.

And you come at me with 10 cents?

Here’s me – spending six years dealing with the lowest scum of our society: bullies, teachers, dentists. And here’s you – with a dime.

Put your fairy hand under my pillow with anything less than a quarter next time. Go ahead – try it. Maybe you’ll get it back, maybe you won’t.

Yours in disappointment,

Master Julian Fantino

• • •

To the Easter Bunny:

The picture frame? Really? You actually have the nerve to call the picture frame a “hiding place?”

Nine years now of staring daily into the abyss of missing toys. Nine years of hunting, searching, always against the odds: closet, couch, even under the bed. Nine years in the shit.

And you insult me with a chocolate egg on the family portrait? That’s eye level for a nine-year-old, moron.

I thought I was dealing with a professional.

Yours in disenchantment,

Master Julian Fantino


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Julian Fantino’s correspondence as a child

  1. Sometiime in the first month, Fantino will be badgered into shouting "why, I used to take loudmouths like you down to Cherry Beach and …..ooooooooh, crap."

    • No, no, he cleans his boots now.

  2. And now all three have "disappeared".

    Ronald McDonald, watch your back. You might be one batch of over-lamped McNuggets away from a pair of concrete clown shoes.

  3. Move over, Baird, there's a new clown in town.

  4. Well now I get why the Conservatives wanted him to hold his tongue during the campaign.

  5. Sorry if I post a serious opinion, but I can't stand police whining about the charter or soft judges because most of the cases that get thrown out of court for charter reasons are directly attributable to police incompetence. Not just negligence but a kind of achieved ignorance that is so unprofessional it is embarassing and abusive, as witnessed at the G20 fiasco. Police leaders like Fantino do all of us a disservice when they complain about the Charter of Rights and Freedoms instead of calling to account the unprofessional actions of individual police officers and groups of police officers.

    • One has only to serve on a jury to realize how truly wanting is policing in Canada.

  6. Spot on, Feschuk. I give Fantino a break for wanting to smack Trudeau around because, really, who doesn't want to give Justin a good kicking with that moustache of his. Other than that, it seems that Cons have welcomed another authoritarian into caucus who feels no need to explain/justify himself.

    And as far as his Hitler Theory goes, it takes one to know one. Fantino supposedly followed orders when deciding to stop policing Caledonia and let anarchy take over but he didn't have to. Fantino behaved like a Good German and it is a disgrace that Cons courted him solely so they could win a seat.

    • I could think of a few Cons I'd love to kick around before Trudeau, Poillivre and that beachball Kenney come to mind. I mean who doesnt want to hurl the Kenney Beachball over the net?

    • @Bergkamp

      You seem difficult to keep still– mind-wise–long enough to support or oppose. That characteristic is often a good one (in my book). Do you REALLY believe Fantino is guilty of the "good German" characterization?

      Following orders is a noble enterprise. We all do it to survive. Unless we are privy to the "bigger picture", we cannot begin to understand how complex decisions can be.

      As you seem to, I have strong leanings in favor of a freedom tied to responsibility, and oppose the imposition of any one interpretation of "law" for the convenience of the state and its proximate actors.

      So, to avoid a diatribe (with which I might attempt to impose my values as a burden on you) can you to share the kernel emotion that triggers your mistrust of Julian Fantino?

  7. Wow, the vitriol flowing on this thread (and in the article) is pretty revealing.

    Notwithstanding that this man is apparantly pure evil (so says the partians here) the voters chose him instead of a Liberal.

    In the Toronto area.

    We're not making this up.

    • Anyone who begins a posting with "Wow" is reading too many political blogs and commentary threads.

      • I wan't aware that one was in the "progressive" rulebook of acceptable speech.

        I'll be sure to add that one to the list….so many to keep track of….

        • I didn't realize Bergkamp is now considered a progressive, since he's joined in on the criticism of Fantino.

          As others have said, it's easy to see why the Cons. decided to use the peek-a-boo campaign with him, because if he'd said even half of what he said in that interview during the campaign, he'd have sunk his chances, low turnout in a by-election or not.

          He won't have that luxery of hiding in the general election campaign … In fact, I HOPE the Cons. put him in Cabinet, because he'll be a human highlight reel during QP.

          • Since when does being in cabinet mean you get to answer questions in QP?

          • Granted; but I think if the Liberals or opposition party members goad him enough, he'll snap, PMO orders or not.

        • Biscuits and gravy, did chet just reply to someone?!?

          "Dear diary, today the unthinkable occurred…"

    • Yer pretty proud of that "we're not making this up" line, aintcha?

      • It worries me that he says "we" so often.

  8. We elect clods to Parliament, and then wonder why we get cloddish behavior in QP.

  9. As someone who's been a victim of Fantino's 'Hitler Theory' along with Gary McHale in Caledonia, this is just too, too funny, and I had to incorporate into my latest post that provides the Libs (and journalists) with links to key Caledonia documents showing how ridiculous and hypocritical Fantino's empty accusations truly are. Enjoy:

    'Dear Justin Trudeau: About Julian Fantino and the application of his 'Hitler Theory' in Caledonia…'

    Thanks so much for this bit of humour! Keep it coming.

    Mark Vandermaas

  10. Looks like Fantino could turn out to be a trojan horse for the cons…lucky break he didn't take up Ignatieff's offer from the libs…what on earth was MI thinking? What would the liberal position on Fantino be now had he said yes?

    • I like to think the Liberals expressed some interested but weren't going to extend a firm offer until they could get a better sense of him, but the kibosh was put on even that very quickly.

    • Tis indeed desperate times when they all come a' courtin a wallflower like Julian.

  11. I wonder how Mr. Fantino feels about this, given that all three police associations are royally p#4%ed at the Conservatives for their late night effort to make it harder to track smuggled firearms:

  12. Fantino's plain speaking, and his unwillingness to abide by the forced taboos ascribed in the "progressive" speak rulebook, may not make him welcome in university faculty lounges, downtown Toronto coffee shops, or at media coctail parties,

    but to the vast majority of Canadians, saying it like it is, will certainly be welcome.

    And certainly provide much entertaining reading as the collective heads explode on "progressive" threads such as these, each time he dares to speak "incorrectly".

    • Would you please stop insisting the vast majority of Canadians are stupid…they are not.

      Apparently to you, anyone with an education is a 'progressive', and somehow that's bad.

    • Regarding his Charter quip (that it's made things easier on criminals), Fantino may be speaking plainly, but he's plain wrong.

      Sentencing and the length of time served behind bars for serious offenses in Canada has steadily increased since the mid seventies, a trend that has continued since the Charter's entry into force in the mid eighties. This is a trend that has continued under BOTH Liberal and Conservative governments. It is a rare instance in which good policy historically trumped electoral politics.

      It is unfortunate that, in the post Progressive Conservative era, Conservatives have sought to dumb down good crime policy in favour of macho sound bites and crass fundraising techniques (i.e. scare grannies and young mommies, they'll send you cash).

      • So, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day after that, when a criminal court judge throws out a case (or the procesutors who know to not even bother to bring the case forward) when some well intentioned cop omits a material paragraph in a search warrant, or searches a car on the side of a highway when the smell of pot wasn't apparant enough, etc), based on a Charter violation,

        those events cease to exist because of some sentencing statistic?


        And Fantino (who's spent a career witnessing such events, HE'S the ignorant one. Oh, how he should learn from the vast experience of the "progressive" commenters here.

        • So we're supposed to accept incompetent cops, and just blame the judge for following the law?

          Either they have a case or they don't….'good intentions' is what the road to hell is paved with

          Fantino is an uneducated clod.

        • Some sentencing statistic?

          Your examples are anecdotal, but the accumulation of anecdotes form the very statistics you choose to ridicule. Despite added burdens on the police under the Charter (as well as some enhanced powers of surveillance and evidence gathering upheld by the very courts you bash, one should remember), crime rates fall, sentences for criminals grow longer, and the rights of the NOT YET CONVICTED are better protected — seems like a pretty good trend for a free and democratic society, contrary to Fantino's sound bites.

          As for the police, events of the last few years (and recent months) indicate we should thank our lucky stars there are some additional hurdles for police to jump before the courts deprive people of their liberty. Or have you missed the dozens wrongful convictions overturned, the number of times police have withheld exculpatory evidence, the videos of brutality, bogus arrests, the multiple examples of police colluding to alter there notes and lie on the stand, etc.?

          News Flash: Fantino hasn't been a front-line officer for nearly 20 years.

          • PS: As you are so concerned about the ability of police to do their jobs effectively, perhaps you should ask Mr. Fantino about his party's decision to hobble the police's ability to track smuggled firearms used in crimes … something they've been obstructing since 2004 at the behest of some of their donors (the Canadian Shooting Sports Association, who are very proud of their ability to influence Conservative MPs).

          • His examples aren't even anecdotal – they have to EXIST to be anecdotal. What they are is assumptions.

          • "News Flash: Fantino hasn't been a front-line officer for nearly 20 years."

            Ah, but he loved to brag to the media about how he'd instructed his driver to chase and pull over a speeder. Ever vigilant in the service of law and order.

    • "may not make him welcome in university faculty lounges, downtown Toronto coffee shops, or at media coctail parties"

      Okay, downtown Toronto coffee shops. Like Timmies?
      University Faculty lounges. Ever been in one? I haven't.
      Media cocktail parties? Seriously? What century do you live in?

      Your stereoytpes need updating. That, or your conservative.ca news alert is down again.

  13. This is for Chet and all of its aliases:

    " When all you have is a hammer, everything is a nail. "

  14. With respect to every other line of profession in our society, misconduct or negligence on the job is met with direct discipline to the employee (except of course if one's in a powerful union, in which case you're generally good to go for life).

    With the advent of the "American style" Charter, instead of punishing the cop who fails to put in a material fact in an affidavit for a search warrant, we punish society by letting a criminal walk the streets.

  15. As for the supposed statistics on crime, take an intro criminology class to learn first thing how very difficult it is to keep statistics on crime, and hence how inherently unreliable they are.

    For instance when crime becomes ghettoized – much worse in centralized areas, invariably as a result of gang activity, reporting drops, due to fear and a recognition that "nothing will be done anyway". And much "gang on gang" crime is never reported.

    Not surprisingly our jails overfloweth, even while the sentencing drops. Early releases are becoming mandatory to keep pace with the flow, and entire neighborhoods in our cities are becoming crime ridden no-go zones,

    all the while the "progressives" comfort themselves with these fantasy "crime stats" – blind, meaningless statistics.

    Perhaps those who compile and rely on such data, can join their bretheren in sunny Cancun, escape the freezing cold, to lavish themselves in luxury while telling the rest of us to endure third world level economic development to save us from skyrocketing temperatures (which was supposed to have happened already, but nevermind that.)

    • "crime ridden no-go zones,"

      Look, I'm not one to criticize, but if you really want to drum up fear more effectively, tell all the folks in Saskatoon that Toronto and Vancouver are full of gang-banger zombies.

      Illegal Immigrant zombies, for maximum fear.

      Really, I expected better fear mongering on a Monday

      • I'd also add that the mythical "no-go zones" are radioactive. I mean, zombies are good for irrational fear-mongering and all, but ATOMIC zombies? That'll really get people running to the CPC for safety!

        • A shipload of radioactive zombies, carrying unregistered rifles, wearing burkhas?

          Astounding. I await the inevitable appearance of a website.

          • And the ship came from Kenya, where they and Ignatieff was born eh?

          • I'd like to add that Mr. Ignatieff was selling tickets on the cruise. He also insisted that they read the Lord's Prayer backwards before embarking on the SS.666. Something to do with some state-sanctioned religion he wants to implement….

      • Tell you what.

        How about I pick out a few neighborhoods in Toronto Vancouver and Winnipeg,

        and you can pick one, your choice, and you can take a nice liesurely stroll through it. At say, between the hours (again, your choice) of 9:00 pm and 4:30 am.

        I mean, its just "fear mongering". It'll be just like the crowd at Starbucks at the local Chapters. Nice, friendly. And really show me how much of a "fear mongerer" I am.

        • Places in Toronto that I've lived in (and lived to tell the tale):

          Oakwood and Vaughan
          Moss Park (Queen and Sherbourne)
          Jane and Finch (well my GF lived there, I'd just visit…sometimes take the blue night bus home, all by my lonesome)

          Wanna know the only place I've ever felt unsafe at 2:00 am? My suburban hometown.

          You're full of it chet.

          • Parkdale. Lived there for a year in the late 90's. Nice folks.
            Live in Scarborough now, in one of those nororuious neighbourhoods.
            I'd invite you to pick a few neighbourhoods, but i bet you've never been to any of them.

            Do we need, yet again, to point to all the murder stats that show that the scariest, most dangerous places to live are suburbs in BC and and Regina, Thunder Bay and a few others?

  16. Dude: you read the dust jacket of Ken Dryden's new book? Just kidding, anyway, it contains a blurb by Gord Downie which begins: "Some people when you ask them the time, they build you a watch." I'm not kidding! Talk about backhanded!

  17. I thought the whole Hitler thing was intended to be in the nature of a compliment, given the source.

  18. If my bus is on schedule, I'll think of Fantino.

  19. Slightly less interesting version of your jokes about Stephen Harper. Nice try though.

  20. Scott, are you still the paper's comedian?

  21. If not, we should be told.

  22. Regardless of the very serious issues surrounding Fantino that this is meant to satirize, it's still the funniest thing I've read in weeks.


  23. Yaaaaawnnn