The story so far: The luge track was too fast and dangerous. Now the luge track is too slow and boring. Olympic organizers denied foreign skiers sufficient opportunity to train on the downhill course. The downhill course is too bumpy. The cross-country skiing course has too many turns and too many hills. The ice at the speedskating oval is terrible. There wasn’t enough French in the Opening Ceremonies. The Germans are cheating at skeleton by putting magnets in their sleds. Wanting to Own the Podium is rude. Wanting to Own the Podium but then finishing ninth in everything is embarrassing. Wayne Gretzky was the wrong person to light the Olympic cauldron. The outdoor Olympic cauldron is too inaccessible. Lineups for stuff are too long. Tickets to the medal ceremonies are too expensive. Everything is too expensive. Canada’s snowboarders are wearing their pants too snug. The weather is crummy. The figure skaters keep falling down. The judges gave absurdly high turn marks to Alexandre Bilodeau. Cypress Mountain should never have been allowed to host ski and snowboard events. Snowboarding is dumb anyway and shouldn’t be in the Olympics. Too few spectators turned out for the men’s downhill.
I invite you to add to this list as an as-bellyached basis.
Coming soon: Nearby mountains complain about an organizer’s description of Cypress as a “special child.” Says Blackcomb: “Is she saying that Cypress is… retarded?”