Let us now begin to overreact - Macleans.ca
 

Let us now begin to overreact

Are we a) doomed, b) doomed! or c) DOOMED!!


 

Canada. Hockey. Switzerland. Overtime. Shootout. Whaa???

UPDATE: Crosby!

Meanwhile, figure skating: Patrick Chan is warming up, dressed as the world’s sparkliest Keg waiter.

Question: By what percentage does the very existence of an area colloquially referred to as the Kiss ‘n Cry reduce the number of young males willing to consider taking up the sport? 90%? 130%?

This is going to sound terrible, but you know what I enjoy most about figure skating? The falling down. I’m like a person who watches auto races for the crashes or follows Hollywood for the Lindsay Lohan. And already tonight, as the men slap-fight for the gold, there’s been some quality falling down, including a nice slip by a Japanese fellow who nailed the tricky jumps, including a quad, but wiped out on a double dee-doo (jump name may not actually exist).

In other news, the Belgian skater’s outfit and theme song are heavily influenced by Robin Hood. His jumps are heavily influenced by gravity.

Hey: What happened to the awesome old style of figure-skate judging, with the six-point-zeros and the stink of corruption? I miss it. It’s like finding out a shady old pal is trying to go straight but all you really want him to do is hook you up with some weed. At least tell me the judging is still rife with cronyism, prejudice and incompetence. Throw me a bone here.

Patrick Chan skates. He needs to be perfect to have a shot at the podium, the commentators tell me. He is not perfect, the commentators tell me seconds later. “Down he goes,” says Rod Black.  “Patrick Chan could not rise up.” Worse still, it’s been 20 minutes since I ordered my Keg ceasar salad and Chan still hasn’t brought it to my table.

WHOA! Hang on! Chan just melted the ice with ass friction and yet he got a huge score? Figure skating — come here and give me a hug! You haven’t changed on me at all.

Evan Lysacek now. I never thought I’d say this, but the world may finally have come up with a figure skater capable of prompting the average man to say: “This guy just might be able to take me.” Big. Hairy. Plus he appears to have around his neck a snake made of diamonds. I’m crossing to the other side of the street just to be safe.

Lysacek moves into first place. The judges were apparently impressed with the originality of his program. For instance, he didn’t fall down, which tonight qualifies as original.

A Japanese maitre d’ is now skating. To his credit, he finds a whole new way to fall — his skate lace snaps apart, causing him to hit the ice hard while trying to land a jump. He pauses his program, fixes the problem and simultaneously seats a party of eight in the private dining room. Impressive.

Some Swiss guy flubs his quad.  And then his next jump. “He’s got to find his feet,” says commentator David Pelletier. Might I suggest looking in the Lost & Spaz bin?

Three to go. Daisuke Takahashi of Japan takes the ice. Rod Black tells us that Takahashi holds the world record for total score. And, judging from his outfit tonight, the Olympic record for collar size. He lines up his first jump. “Down he goes,” Black declares. Wow, this ice surface has seen more asses than a rental car.

Johnny Weir. [Long pause.] I may be wrong but I think Johnny is modeling Victoria’s Secret’s new line of “I Guess A Man Could Wear It If He Really Wants To” lingerie.

So finally it’s Plushenko. Captain Quad. The Quadster. Quad Black. Quadadingdong. Quadrophenia. Quadapalooza. Quadawada– oh, he lost to Lysacek. People seem shocked so I guess it’s shocking, though I was more shocked that no one seemed to care that a real actual zombie was just sitting there next to Plushenko. Did you see that guy? He made Dick Cheney look rosy-cheeked.

Anyway: Congratulations, only figure skater who could easily beat me up! Congratulations on not falling down!


 

Let us now begin to overreact

  1. Allow me to be the first…stink, stank, stunk.

  2. I wouldn't say "stink", everyone falls (unless you're the Russian giant Plushenko). Frankly, he's young and he's had a lot of pressure. No one REALLY expected a medal out of this guy. Maybe in Russia. Maybe.

    Plus, anyone notice how the boring Moonlight Sonata routines get low marks? That's because the judges fell asleep while waiting for something exciting. Then they fall, the crowd makes a noise – which prompts the judge to wake up, mark the fall and go back to sleep. So Chan's Phantom of the Opera actually kept attention, therefore, more marks for being halfways interesting.

  3. Okay, so Chan fell on his butt and the Men's Hockey Team almost blew it,

    But on the bright side, if I'm not mistaken, this is the first day of the Olympics that a Canadian-made Zamboni knock-off, driven by an anglophone, did not flip over and careen into the crowd before coming to rest in a place obscures the view of the Olympic Cauldron.

    So, there's that.

    • That was beautiful…..:-)

  4. You have no clue about figure skating but this was hilarious, thanks.

  5. irreverent

  6. But where's the audio of the conniving colluding judges?

  7. Feschuk, you are the best thing about these games. I wish we lived in Massachusetts so I could marry you.

    • Awright!!!

      Feschuk …. two words …. GREEN and CARD.

  8. You hit your quad-diddly-daddly-do with this review. Totally agree with Chan's surprising score and the whole amazing 'gravity's too tough' lesson from the night… Perhaps the Edmonton Oilers should be looking at signing up that Lysachek dude.

  9. I also miss: "and a six-point-oh from the Russian judge!" That used to be the best part.

  10. Well at least the free skate was better than the Halloween on Ice that was the short program.

    Sweet Jesus. I felt unclean after watching that. A sailor costume? A farm-boy costume? The skeleton tuxedo? And WTF kind of bird did Lysacek have to skin to get his costume?

    And the less said about Johnny Weir(d) the better.

  11. There are all these articles saying that men don't like Figure Skating because it's too feminine. That's insulting to feminals. I've never seen a woman wearing a sparkly spandex tuxedo leaping down the street. Most drag queens wouldn't touch that stuff. It's not feminine, it's bizarre.