Let’s gaze into my crystal ball - Macleans.ca
 

Let’s gaze into my crystal ball

FESCHUK: Harper’s makeover is complete, and our soldiers get stylish guns


 

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TAYLOR SHUTE

Anyone can tell you what happened last week in Canadian politics. But only this column can give you . . . Political News From the Future!

Ottawa (Aug. 27, 2010)—Inspired by “carbon offsets” designed to fight climate change, Michael Ignatieff has announced that he will try to reverse his party’s dismal standing in the polls by purchasing “popularity offsets” from more successful political figures. Under the plan, Ignatieff will buy excess goodwill, charisma and competence from politicians such as Sarah Palin and David Cameron—thus compensating for the sense of despair and fruitlessness emitted by his own activities.

“I am committed to reducing my futility footprint—it’s the right thing to do for the Liberal party and it’s the right thing to do for . . . ” said Ignatieff, who vowed to finish his sentence once the oratorical offsets from Barack Obama kicked in.

Things got worse for Ignatieff over the summer when, in the first open challenge to his leadership, some women began brazenly ignoring the “No Fat Chicks” sign he’d taped to the Liberal Express.

Once an efficient source of political power, the Liberal party is now perceived to be the least sustainable of all national political organizations, releasing significant quantities of confusion and conflicting messaging into the electoral atmosphere. According to scientists, these emissions are being trapped and are building up. If not combatted, they will ultimately contribute to the phenomenon known as “getting one’s ass handed to one.”

This isn’t the first time offsets have been used in Canadian politics. Shortly before launching the 2008 election in a sweater vest, Stephen Harper purchased wardrobe offsets from the estate of Mr. Rogers.

Kingston, Ont. (Sept. 12, 2010)—Having vowed to spend $9 billion on stealth fighter jets to impress and retain pilots, Defence Minister Peter MacKay yesterday turned his attention to the army—revealing a two-pronged investment to keep soldiers happy, engaged and “totally psyched, bro.”

Beginning in 2012, the Conservative government will spend $3.6 billion to retrofit all firearms to make the awesome “pew-pew” sound like in Star Wars. It will also spend $700 million on camouflage fedoras.

“For too long, Canadian soldiers have had to make do with regular guns that make the same old boring noises and clichéd headgear that does nothing to convey a charismatic insouciance,” MacKay told cadets at the Royal Military College. “Not on my watch.”
MacKay added that by 2014, he expects every Canadian sailor to have been assigned a cool nickname.

Otttawa (Oct. 14, 2010)—Stephen Harper visited Rideau Hall yesterday to call an election that is widely viewed as his last and best chance to win a majority government. He made the announcement surrounded by adorable baby animals.

“This campaign is about a choice: a choice between the big-government, free-spending ways of the Liberal party and this cute little panda,” the Conservative leader told members of the press gallery. “Higher taxes. Orphan panda with big sad eyes. It’s your decision.” Later at a campaign stop, Harper pledged to make each and every Canadian a mix tape.
A small number of reporters expressed skepticism about Harper’s latest attempt to soften his image—until they saw that the tiny monkey was dressed in people clothes. “Awww,” they noted.

Amid the pomp and kittens, there were subtle hints yesterday that the PM—keen to convey an Everyman image—will align his political fortunes more closely than ever with the Tim Hortons coffee chain. For instance, a third of the Conservative policy platform is devoted to federal investments designed to make the company’s popular Boston cream doughnut “up to 32 per cent Bostonier.”

Political scientists say this policy is more broadly appealing to middle-class Canadians than Michael Ignatieff’s pledge of a national cruller registry.

A baby meerkat draped endearingly around his neck, the Conservative leader concluded his remarks by pointing out that a man who twice prorogued Parliament for his own crass political purposes is unlikely to voluntarily leave 24 Sussex even if he loses the election. “Hence the new moat,” he said.


 

Let’s gaze into my crystal ball

  1. Hilarious as ever Feschuck.. But, I'm fascinated with Meerkats. Should I vote for Harper this year? Just kidding:-)

  2. Ignatieff has announced that he will try to reverse his party's dismal standing in the polls by purchasing “popularity offsets” from more successful political figures.

    That would require the existence of one or successful political figures with popularity credits to spare. He'll need an import licence for sure. The domestic supply just isn't there.

    • I don't think there is an international supply either: Maybe some international figures are going to start a bidding war for the little domestic supply Canada has left. Hey: Maybe that could be used to reduce the deficit ? No, that would make our politicians too popular . . .

  3. I don't know who Harper's kidding. Does he seriously believe Canadians will fall for the cute animal gambit–when we all know he's not giving any of them to us?

    Sheesh.

    • Mmmm. Delicious baby animals.

  4. I see puppies and pandas – where are the beavers,baby seals, and deer?

    • He is obviously pandaering to the Asian vote

      • Now that was funny, and only too true . . .

  5. Well, pandas come in black and white; not the subtlties or nuances of shades of grey. While undoubteldy Harper sees in black and white; well, maybe he only sees in black and white . . .

    As for beavers, baby seals and deer ; well those are 'chick' attractors. Just ask Ms. Guergis about that.

    • Yeah, I was thinking that about the puppies – attracting the young female vote. I'll have to write my MP and grumble about why no Palinesque dead moose (big rack) hunting trophy shot.

      I know its conundrum to include baby seals – looking them in the eye and saying, " You are really cute, but when you grow up I will eat you on a cracker – to solidify my Canadian identity."

  6. If Iggy was smart he would of bought a 500 dollar Polara and a couple flats of beer, then tried to drive across Canada.

    Pics of Iggy elbow deep in the engine – " Don't worry man, I'll get er goin" -Pics of Iggy in front of Neil Young's old abode in Winnipeg.

    Video of Iggy with couple of chicks, in Prince Albert, he picked up at the bar
    Cute Chick 1: " So,what you do for a living?,"
    Iggy: " Mainly, Philosophy".
    Cute Chick 2: "Kewwwll!".

    • Hey Dad, I am 200km out of Kamloops and my battery died – Mechanic wants $210 and 2 days for new one, and I am broke?

  7. I think it would be nice if Harper and McKay were photographed by a giant hogweed plant. They could be shown holding a giant CPC government cheque! :)

  8. 24 Sussex Drive currently has three new panda bear rugs. The little duckling is in the back yard being force-fed corn-meal porridge. Fois gras in less than a month!! (Please tell me he didn't hurt the golden retriever puppies.)

    • Fuzzy slippers.

  9. not news….

    • No, a column from a humourist. Got a sense of humour?

  10. The serious basis for the article was Feschuk calling Ignatieff incompetent, lacking in charisma, and doomed to suffer a massive defeat in the next election.

    That's some seriously harsh commentary coming from a lifetime Liberal… ouch!

  11. This would have been funny when the blue sweater gambit actually happened. Mr. Feschuk must have missed the many photos of lib "leader" ignatief wearing an absolutely authentic red Mr. Rogers sweater when on one of his harebrained connect with the people schemes. He was speaking to a bunch of preschoolers at the time. How about some comedy around that, Feschuk?

    • That's right Feschuk, how can you call this piece of serious journalism responsible and balanced if you don't give equal time to the two leader's sweater related scandals!?

  12. Was this pic photoshopped?

    • wow, nothing gets past you, eh?

    • It's fake. I can tell because the puppy on the left looks just like the puppy on the right.

      • And there's just no way you could get a litter of golden retriever puppies to leave that duckling alone long enough to snap a picture.

  13. That was funny Scott, I love the beautiful lip gloss shade on the PM!!

  14. Funny, but I think I prefer your robot Apocalypse predictions.