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Lois Lane Movie Plots We’d Like To See


 

I have no real thoughts on what kind of Lois Lane Amy Adams will be. I like Amy Adams, therefore the casting is basically fine, but without knowing exactly which version of Lois Lane will be in the movie, it’s hard to know which actress would be most appropriate for the part. It’s a notoriously difficult role to cast, anyway, no matter how they’re portraying her, and an even harder role to write. (Dana Delany was great as the voice of Lois in the Superman animated series, yet by the end of the show’s run Lois hardly even appeared at all.) In most versions of the story, she has no powers, tends to endanger herself recklessly, and frequently gets the worst of the “how can they not notice Clark Kent is Superman” snark.

Since I’m not that anxious to see what Zack Snyder will do with the material (and the studio may not be either, after seeing the box-office receipts for his latest movie) I’m going to dream instead that someone will make a Superman movie based on the most purely entertaining Superman material ever: “Lois Lane” and “Jimmy Olsen” covers from the Silver Age, the ones hyping stories with titles like “Jimmy Olsen, Freak!” The Olsen ones tend to be more far-out and provided a lot of the material for superdickery.com, but the Lois Lanes are my favourite time capsules: they are not only hilariously sexist, but they show just how completely the publishers turned Lois and Lana Lang into Betty and Veronica (I guess Lana was the “Betty” most of the time) in an attempt to crack the Archie and Patsy Walker markets. Hence:

And some others, starting after the jump:

Did Millie the Model’s rival Chili use time-travel bubbles against her? No, of course not. So why would you buy one of those Stan Lee comics instead of this one?

Like sitcom writers now, comic book writers then knew that an easy way to get ‘shippers angry was to introduce a previously-unknown rival:

This is a famous one, used at superdickery.com as one of the clearest illustrations of just what a complete jerk Superman is. Help Lois fight this terrible degenerative condition that turned her old before her time? Of course not. He goes out for a night on the town with the girl who’s still young and hot.

Here we see a more or less accurate prediction of how we would be spending our time in the future: hooked up to computers and trying to use them to get dates.

Probably the best-known cover of the bunch, and a case of the comic book creators finally saying what we’ve been saying for years:

And just in case none of these stories have enough action for a big-budget Lois vs. Lana movie. I may be too cynical, but I think that when Superman says they’ve gained “permanent superpowers,” they may not actually be permanent. It’s not like Superman dying or something like that. Now, that’s permanent.

Finally, I think this should be the ending of the Superman movie, no matter what the plot is. Why? Because as many of us noticed even before sites like Superdickery came on the scene, Superman is an awful person who spent decades being a smug jerk around his “friends.” He deserves this.


 
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Lois Lane Movie Plots We’d Like To See

  1. "Help Lois fight this terrible degenerative condition that turned her old before her time? Of course not."

    Well, that's what Lois gets for being such a jerk. When it's muscles and cross-country flights for free, she's all, "Ooh, you're so dreamy!" But put on the glasses and go back to working for a living like an ordinary schlub and it's "Outta my way, Clark, I'm going to look for Superman!" She considers poor Kent so beneath her she wouldn't recognize him even without the glasses! The proof that Superman really is a nice guy is that he still hasn't told Lois where to get off.

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