Mailbag: Dudus Coke, the Lost finale, Stephen Harper’s Near Death Experience - Macleans.ca
 

Mailbag: Dudus Coke, the Lost finale, Stephen Harper’s Near Death Experience

Plus: a rant against the World Cup


 

Welcome to the Mailbag, where I’ve got no time for an introduction because I have to fix a speech for a client, find my kid’s jock so he can play baseball tonight and write a statement announcing the retirement from acting of Kim Cattrall’s vagina at the age of 103.

The following queries were actually submitted by actual readers. And remember: there are no stupid questions, unless you’re asking whether I ruined my chances with Kim Cattrall just there.

•••

Dear Scott:

Has there ever, in the long and colourful history of drug lords, been a better drug lord name then Dudus Coke? – Jeff B

Jeff B –

Well, Billy-Bong McCrackenhorse comes immediately to mind, right? That guy had a pretty colourful name. In fact, now that I think about it, all the McCrackenhorses sounded fairly “drug lordy”… Billy-Bong, Spliff, Mary-Jane and C.J. (Nose) Candy III.

Who else? Um… Bob and Dave Heroin. They lived over near the tracks. Sold cocaine (confusing). Oh – Bathtub Crank MacBenzidrine. Blunt Norm. Whack E. Tabaccy. Steve Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (of the Coney Island Methylenedioxymethamphetamines). The list is surprisingly long.

•••

Dear Scott:

Imagine you are on an airplane with Stephen Harper and Michael Ignatieff, the plane is going down, there are only two parachutes, you have one, who gets the other one? – Fred

Fred –

It’s fun to ponder the circumstances under which this flight could be taking place. Are the three of us up there to skydive? If so, someone really pooped the bed on the whole “counting the parachutes” phase of pre-boarding responsibilities. [Glares at Ignatieff.] Or is the planet collapsing like in 2012 and we just made it to the airport in the nick of time despite the disintegrating roadways and lack of thematic nuance? If so, I’m going back for Amanda Peet. I don’t care about the risks. She’s pretty.

Anyhoo, the answer is that I’d give a parachute to each of them. One to Harper. One to Ignatieff. I’d give them the parachutes and I’d help push them out of the plane. Why? Put it this way: If we’d been flying for even half an hour, I’m pretty sure I’d be aching for nine or 10 seconds of me time, followed by a fiery, merciful end.

Besides – you have to look ahead in these kinds of situations. Surviving a plane crash sounds all fine and dandy, but what if you wind up stranded in the unforgiving jungle with Stephen Harper? Let’s be honest: that dude would be thinking cannibalism 20 minutes after his feet hit the ground. I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep because he’d be sitting there picturing me as a juicy T-bone steak like in cartoons and Andy Dick’s fantasies about Justin Bieber. Plane-crash death beats Harper-boiling-me-in-huge-cauldron death any day.

•••

Dear Scott:

The World Cup is coming up. Which team should I pretend to have an affinity for when dealing with colleagues-who-somehow-care-about-soccer? – Toby

Toby –

Oh, those guys are the worst, aren’t they? Soccer fans. Jesus. They make indie-rock hipsters seem tolerable by comparison. What is the deal with soccer anyway? If you’re going to bore me to death, at least have the decency to type it up and call it Ulysses.

None of that sport makes any sense to me. A penalty kick is a sure goal, right? A sure goal! How can you routinely give away a free goal in a sport where games often end 1-0? (And stop saying the word “nil,” North America soccer fans. It’s a freaking zero. Call it “zero” or “nothing” or “zip” or “the number that equals my odds of getting this sports bar to turn one of its TV to soccer during the hockey playoffs.”)

And all the diving and fake injuries. How do soccer fans endure this bullshit? Steve Nash gets bashed in the face and cannot see out of one eye and he comes back to play basketball. Meanwhile, some Euro-douche trips over his own shoes, lands softly on the grass and suddenly they’re bringing out the stretcher like he’s been gunned down storming an enemy trench. Five seconds later, Floppy McFakingit is miraculous healed and back on the pitch. That anyone tolerates this is stupid x 1037.

Do you recall when David Beckham came to play in Los Angeles? God, that was great. The owner of the L.A. Galaxy agreed to pay Beckham $250-million (or approximately $41.6-million per ab), predicting the English footballer “will have a greater impact on soccer in America than any athlete has ever had on a sport globally.” And today, some three years later, Americans still prefer watching hillbillies drive around in circles. Remembering dumb things is fun!

All that said: Spain.

•••

Dear Scott:

I watched the very first episode of Lost, but nothing else. Having seen one episode, I decided that it wasn’t my cup of tea. Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot about that series, which seems to be utterly and intentionally confusing; I’ve also heard mention of the recent series finale, with some weird purgatory/church deal that doesn’t really wrap up all the loose ends in a satisfying way. All of which brings us to my question: Have I missed out? – CR

CR –

Listen: I enjoyed the series immensely and think it was wildly inventive and also had Kate in a bikini that time.  But this final season was (spoiler alert) shitballs. Maybe if Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, the showrunners, spent a little less time appearing on talk shows and doing interviews and filming their own goddamn Internet series with Kermit the Goddamn Frog and spent a little more time coming up with a bunch of good shows and a finale that didn’t suck 38 kinds of hog, then maybe today I wouldn’t want to jab them in the eyes with shards of glass coated with the ebola virus.

I honestly believe that given the manpower, the technology and a delicious sandwich, I could reduce the 20ish hours of Season 6 to a thrilling four-hour mini-series that doesn’t make you yell at your TV: “Stop stalling, boxy!” But no. Somehow fitting it in between chats with Diane Sawyer and making their own lame videos with a Major League relief pitcher and the Goddamn Swedish Chef, Darlton strung together a series of episodes that went nowhere when they could have just built an enclosure on the island, placed Ben, Richard, Desmond, Widmore, Miles and others inside and nailed up a sign reading: Characters We No Longer Know What the %!@# to Do With.

That said, I did get kinda teary when Sawyer and Juliet touched each other by the vending machine. OH HOW HE LOVED HER!!

•••

Dear Scott:

Do you know what really bugs me. Can I tell you. Can I tell you what drive me nuts. Have you noticed that the new thing is to not put question marks at the end of questions. Isn’t it annoying as hell. What’s the deal with that anyway. Who started that. – Boogie

Boogie –

I don’t know? I don’t know who started it? I have no idea? who? started? it? but now I’m? stuck with this huge??? supply???? of question marks?? that I can’t?????????????????? get rid of?

Oh, wait. I’ll give them to Ken Dryden to use in his next speech. I think he’s close to running out. Actual Dryden speech excerpts: “How do we stay ahead? How do we keep what we’ve got? How do we keep from a low cost-low wage devastating race to the bottom?… What’s been happening up until now?  Where does it all seem to be going?… Is this what being a Prime Minister is about?  What Canada is about? Leadership is direction: the question is… where?”

•••

Dear Scott:

What’s the coolest thing that MPs have bought (sorry, ‘expensed’) with our tax cash that we will never know about? Something pedestrian like a hot tub? Or something exotic, like a Gurkha platoon (cleverly disguised as Mohawk Warriors) to guard the North Shahbucktoh Lieberal constituency office from terrorist attacks by those damn Freemasons? –Four Zero Mike Mike

Four Zero Mike Mike  –

Oh man, this just reminds me of the fact that I got to government too late. When I arrived in 2004, they’d just changed the rules so that staffers had to have their expenses posted on the Internet, which really cut into my fine dining and hotel pornos. I mean, Paul Martin had enough problems. He didn’t need Stephen Harper standing up in QP and leading with a question about the Belleville Ramada and multiple viewings of Edward Penishands. Although, in my defence… Belleville.

Anyway, it was a weird time. Nobody was going anywhere fancy to eat anymore. And then it started to get competitive. Senior staffers would actually aspire to file the lowest per-capita hospitality expenses. Yes, I had 26 deputy ministers in for an all-day policy implementation session and here is my receipt for all three of the Timbits. Your move, Murphy.

So I never heard of anything in the way of expense-padding. I did, however, get to witness in action a full-on kleptomaniac. That was a blast. He or she was a fairly senior public servant. He or she would sometimes travel with the Prime Minister. He or she would, upon landing at our destination aboard the Challenger, open the drawer that held all the chocolate bars, remove the drawer from the cabinet and POUR ALL THE CHOCOLATE BARS INTO HIS OR HER BAG. He or she would, upon traveling in foreign lands, return home with dozens and dozens of hotel shampoo bottles. He or she did, during one particularly long overseas trip, arrive back in Ottawa carrying at least 10 hotel umbrellas. Total cost to the taxpayer: the price of 1,000,000 Kit-Kats.


 

Mailbag: Dudus Coke, the Lost finale, Stephen Harper’s Near Death Experience

  1. Perfect answers to all questions a new record indeed – ROFL!

  2. A little hard on the Lost guys, no?

    I can't speak for the quality of the show (never seen it), but can you REALLY fault someone for skipping out on their normal job (whatever it is) to spend time with Muppets?

  3. I agree with some of your complaints about soccer. But having your kid in baseball puts you in kind of a sports glass house, I think. Was the shuffleboard league all full by the time you tried to sign him up?

    (Also, isn't Dave old enough to find his own jock?)

    • F**K – the other kid's got shuffleboard tonight!

      • We've got soccer four nights a week, and swimming on the fifth. There's long haul truckers out there logging fewer miles than we are these days. I really need to sell the boys more on things like playing guitar, smoking pot, writing poetry – anything they can do at home.

        • Pfft. Amateur. We've got baseball, ball hockey, swimming, guitar and getting a beer for Daddy. Five critical activities.

          • The fifth probably comes in handy when those K-Y and Viagra ads come on TV. Assuming you don't mind passing out during second intermission.

            We've got piano too, but I make them walk to that. Gives them a long silent stretch to think about how they haven't practiced that week, and thus are managing not only to let the teacher down, but waste their parents' money too. It's all good though, because it's never too early to get comfortable with the taste of failure and disapproval.

          • as good as the mailbag is, and it is very good, banter between Sean and Feschuk is top shelf all the way.

          • One day, Daddy won't have to drive them anywhere, just stay up waiting for his car to come home safely (my son frequently managed to get the car home, but completely out of gas).

            Also, they will drink Daddy's beer, so he will have to count them.

  4. Scott,

    That was hilarious, I had forgotten that question marks? When overused? Are even more annoying? Upspeaking, I think linguists call it? Female Canadian Olympians being the worst offenders? Also? Dryden thinks he's Socrates? But he sounds like MacCauley Culkin in Uncle Bob? Annoying, eh?

    Yours, etc.
    Boogie

    • Make it stop!

    • Worse than question marks: when people (secretaries) use thousands and thousands of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      To show enthusiasm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Usually about a recipe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Yeah, and when you send a secretary an email containing fewer than three (3) smiley faces they think you're mad at them.

        • Yeah and when a secretary gets a 13-year old viral email saying that Liz Claiborne is a Satanic worshipper, or Tommy Hilfiger hates gays, they believe it and walk around telling the rest of us to boycot the products.

          Also they don't type since we all have PCs, they don't copy, they don't take messages and they don't set up meetings.

          Isn't it about time they joined forces with the dodos?

          • Yeah, those secretaries. They're hilarious stereotypes!

          • Oh why be mean? They're just redundant.

      • Don't … um … forget … er … uh … about … ellipsies…

        • Hate.

  5. There should be a warning label on this page. I nearly choked to death on my Alphagetti…which is pretty hard to do, by the way.

    • I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to put that stuff in your mouth. Plus aren't you worried it will form into indigestible words in your tummy?

      • I think the indigestion comes from my stomach not being able to tell the difference between Ns and Zs. I've spent almost twenty years trying to figure that one out…

        • Oze day you will realine that there is zo differezce. Oz that day you will fizd true peace.

  6. It seems like eons since Lost began announcing its end. Thank God it is over. (I was very tempted to use mutliple eclamation marks there.) It is over, isn't it? Please tell me it has vanished forever, excluding syndication.

  7. The Kermit the Goddamn Frog link made me pee involuntarily.

    • That's the worst kind of peeing!

  8. I could have done the entire season to Lost in one hour. Everyone gets on a new planeI could have done the entire season to Lost in one hour. Everyone gets on a new plane, or a DC10 (their known for crashing alot right?), and then they purposely fly it into the island. Into the island, not onto. (I know what you were thinking.) Then cut to a news cast where they say that the airplanes been missing for 10 years and no one's seen it ever since it went off the radar that fateful day 10 years ago.

    I mean the show is about a bunch of people who got Lost on an island right? So why don't we just let them stay lost. Especially if Jack is so insistent on being lost and stuff.

  9. Never watched 'Lost' myself, but from what I've seen and heard lately, considering how many people were on this island by the end of it, the population was large enough that they should have managed to build a damn shopping mall on it by this last season. They had a large enough cast that , for all intents and purposes, this mystery-island was basically just a tricky-to-get-to tourist destination.

  10. Lost. Plain old silly with all the invisible monsters in the bushes and such. Come on.