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Mailbag: Hookers, Busty Hookers and Also Hookers

Scott Feschuk also answers his own questions about Larry King


 

Welcome to the Mailbag, where I’m disappointed in all of you: not even one single question about Larry King’s pending seventh divorce and allegations that he may have been doing it with his wife’s younger sister? What is wrong with you people?

King, seen here playing the lead in the nursing home production of Happy Days: Still Sitting On It After All These Years, reportedly got into a real barnburner of an argument with his future ex, leading both to file for divorce. That’s fun to imagine but let’s be honest: after six divorces. could Larry really still have his heart in a good, old-fashioned domestic blowup? Would such a thing even get his attention?

Shawn: You son of a bitch – are you sleeping with my sister?!

Larry: Huh?

Shawn: How could you, Larry? HOW COULD YOU??!

Larry [fiddles with his suspenders]: Nic Cage – what’s he like to work with?

Shawn: What are you talking— I’m leaving you, Larry. You’re a sick, sick man and I’m going to take you for every goddamn penny!

Larry: Your calls for Ross Perot, right after this.

On to the mailbag. The following queries were actually submitted by actual readers. And remember: there are no stupid questions, unless you’re Rahim Jaffer and you’re asking whether I can give you a lift downtown.

•••

Dear Scott:

Hate to dwell on this story, but any tips on how Rahim can “Stay Classy” at this point? More importantly, any advice on how he might hang on to his wife? – MaggiesFarmboy

MaggiesFarmboy –

Why are people apologizing for being interested in this? I hear that a lot. Don’t apologize! This is one of our country’s greatest political stories ever. It’s got profanity, tantrums, incriminating photographs, drunk driving, strip clubs, hookers and now a private dick who’s raised allegations of cocaine use, stock fraud and offshore bank accounts. Congratulations, Canada: I think we just beat Hollywood to a Hangover sequel.

I for one do not hate to dwell on this story. I love to dwell on this story. LOVE TO. I haven’t done so much dwelling on something since I was 10 and that poster of Farrah Fawcett’s nipple came out. (I think the rest of Farrah was on the poster, too, but I never bothered to look.)

And that’s not even the best part. The best part is that a rumour I’ve known about now for many, many months (the cocaine thing) has turned out to possibly actually be true. This hardly ever happens! I wonder if that means those rumours about that former minister with glasses are also bang-on? (The only downside of the Guergis story: every future “scandal” is going to pale in comparison. What’s that? The Minister killed two call girls in Vegas while on a taxpayer-financed meth binge? Brief it.)

To half-answer your question (which, let’s face it, is at least three-eighths more of an answer than most people get), I think what Rahim needs to do is conduct an emotional, tell-all interview with a thoughtful, well-respected member of the national media. I nominate me. Sitting down in a quiet setting (a private room at the Paradise Club, for instance) would give Rahim a chance to tell his side of the story, gain a little public sympathy and pay for my lap dance.

In fact, consider this an open invitation: Rahim Jaffer, I will meet you anywhere in Canada to conduct a personal and intimate one-on-one interview. I will even bring my own hooker’s back on which to take notes. That’s how committed I am to quality journalism.

•••

Dear Scott:

Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear? – schmendrick

schmendrick –

I left them locked in your basement. I’ll give you the key to release them, but to get the key you’re first going to have to release them.

•••

Dear Scott:

Still waiting for the Busty Hookers. What gives? – M_A_N

M_A_N –

Everyone focuses on the busty hookers. But today’s Globe and Mail references “high-priced hookers.” And today’s Toronto Star speaks of “high-class escorts.” Yet no one ever talks about them. Other kinds of hookers are people who are hookers too! Busty hookers, high-priced hookers, high-class escorts: The real lesson of the Guergis-Jaffer scandal is that prostitutes must always take an adjective, just like the ones who hung out with Rahim (busty, high-priced) and the one I got in Vanier that time (angry, baritone).

The problem with all these stories about the fall of Helena Guergis is that they raise more questions than they answer. Do busty hookers and high-priced hookers associate? Can you be both? Or maybe you have to be both! If you’re not both, does that mean you must be neither (ie. a flat-chested, economy-class hooker)? Shouldn’t the editors at the Star be hassling Donovan to get to the bottom of this shit? This is a potentially teachable moment, man.

•••

Dear Scott:

If you had to hit either Stephen Harper or Michael Ignatieff with a shovel whom would you choose and why? – Anon Liberal

Anon Liberal –

I think I speak for most people when I say the most important part of hitting someone with a shovel is the element of surprise. That’s one of the two things that make hitting someone with a shovel so satisfying. (The other thing: the hitting-him-with-a-shovel part.)

This leads to the question: If Stephen Harper got hit with a shovel, would anybody be surprised? Maybe for a moment. For a moment, they’d be surprised. But then they’d sit around and say things like, “It was bound to happen eventually” or “You know, I was thinking just the other day that Stephen Harper hadn’t been hit with a shovel lately.” That would ruin the whole experience for me.

•••

Dear Scott:

As you know Helena of Simcoe Grey has been fired. CTV has reported that a private detective was the source for the serious allegations that the PMO keeps referring to.

Do you think that the PM’s private dick, or anyone’s private dick for that matter, should determine the tenure of a Cabinet Minister of the Crown? – Anon001

Anon001 –

I think what’s important here is that Stephen Harper shall now and forever – in my home, at least – be referred to as Prime Minister Higgins. (But wait – could it be that he was also Robin Masters all along? So mysterious!)

Here’s one thing I don’t quite get though: Higgins expelled Guergis from the Conservative caucus and said he would have fired her from cabinet had she not resigned, right? He did this because of the “credible” information brought forth by Magnum – information we’re now led to believe involves cocaine and prostitutes, which is awesome.

But the Prime Minister himself never actually told Guergis why she was being cut loose. “It’s not my role to repeat the allegations or make comments on things that I don’t have any direct knowledge,” Higgins told reporters. “It’s a legal question and it’s appropriate for the lawyer to give the details.”

Hang on a minute. It is his role to listen to the allegations, accept them as credible and instantly act on them, even though he doesn’t have any “direct knowledge.” But it’s not his role to tell Guergis why he’s banishing her?

You know what this sounds like? It sounds like PM Higgins is… a fraidy cat. Ooooooo, the poor wittle Pwime Minister is too ascared to talk to the big mean wady named Hewena! Here, you eat this wowwypop and we’ll get the bwave wawyer man to do it.

Bwock bwock BWOCK.

•••

Dear Scott:

Please tell me more about this suicidal cult of yours. – Iccyh

Iccyh –

I’m glad you asked, and I’d request that people interested in my suicidal cult pay very close attention to the following information.

The defining characteristic of my suicidal cult – and I can’t emphasize this enough – is the “suicide” part. People hear the word “cult” and they get all excited. They instantly want to sign up. We get them knocking on the drawbridge at all hours of the night. Let us in! Cult, cult, cult! Everybody’s so keen. But hand them a cup of Vitamin Water laced with cyanide and they get all uppity… especially once they realize I’m not drinking any of the stuff. Why would I? Someone has to stay here to make sure my cult stays true to its suicidal values and comfort your hot wife after you’re gone.

You want to join a “regular” cult, there’s always Scientology or Facebook.

•••

Dear Scott:

My Twitter feed no longer enlightens me with thoughts from the voice in the PM’s head. What gives? – IntenseAlex

IntenseAlex –

My lease was up, and I had to leave his head to make room for a new shipment of self-regard and vendettas.


 

Mailbag: Hookers, Busty Hookers and Also Hookers

  1. Old Winnipeg folksaying

    "Never hit your mother with a shovel. It leaves here with a dull impression."

    Well, some old folk in Winnipeg told me this, so it's an old folksaying.

  2. Whacking Harper would just be a waste of a good shovel. You know it'd just break on his hair.

  3. Scott, you are a freaking wonder. Thank you.

  4. economy-class hooker

    But the real question is, do I have enough points for an upgrade?

  5. I'd release the Snowdens, but they're both there and not there. Effing Heisenberg.

  6. Maybe, but there are blackout periods and other restrictions.

    • What if I'm 'Avioning'?

      • Dunno. All I know is I'm pissed I can't put my old collection of now-worthless Subway stamps towards a hooker.

        • Too bad you didn't move sooner! You could probably negotiated those with those food stamps (see what I did there?). You probably would have been restricted to economy class though.

        • It's still worth a shot. It'd certainly explain why that Jared guy always looks so happy and smug.

  7. My brain will be forever seared with the image of Larry King tongue-kissing his wife (this one, I believe, but who's to say? How can anyone keep all these shiksas straight?

  8. Larry the K is so old I'm surprised he can still get his tongue up!

    • Uugh, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth, lol!

    • I think he's toad, or, perhaps the sex addict de jour

  9. Scott, I was late for the mailbag questions and I do have a few… Hopefully next weeks, I will email them to you!

  10. I love you, Scott. I love you, I love you. It is 6:41 a.m. and I hate my husband. But I love you. I also love the fact that the Prime Ribster (like that? you may have it, my love) takes the word of parking-lot sleaze-buckets to fire one of the last Conservative women in the Cabinet. I live a few blocks away from the rightfully-protected Sussex joint, and every time I see a woman on a motorcycle, I hope, I hope….oh Goddess I hope, she'll just keep going.

  11. Larry King is a god. When I grow up and become 120 years old like LK, I want to still be able to wield my sabre. If he can score is sister-in-law he's obviously a bit of a swordsman. Go LK.

  12. To quote Scott: "I will even bring my own hooker's back on which to take notes. That's how committed I am to quality journalism."

    It's ironic that the above passage contains a typo. Surely Scott, you must know that apostrophes are not used to denote plurals.

    • ???

      Surely you must realize he is not referring to more than one hooker, but instead means the back belonging to his hooker?

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