memo from stephen harper to all canadian children


It’s been an uphill battle, and the odds are still against me, but with two weeks to go in the election campaign I am happy to report that I am closing in on my goal: meeting and being photographed with every single one of you.

Some thoughts:

First – and I can’t stress this enough – please stop touching me. I myself may make the decision in the presence of the cameras to touch you in a manner generally perceived to suggest playful affection. But my RCMP guys have strict instructions to take down anything taller than two feet that approaches me. Just ask Bob Fife.

Second, above all else DO NOT TOUCH MY SMILE. I bought it for the campaign and need to keep it in mint condition if I’m going to return it for refund on Oct. 15.

Third, I am not Santa. Stop asking me for stuff. (Note: This does not mean I won’t eat your plate of cookies.)

Fourth, I’ve got your nose. Yes I do! Yes I do!!

Fifth, I’m not sure exactly what you girls out there are learning in school, but let me assure you that the capital of Montana is Helena. I’m not even certain there is a town called Hannah.

Sixth, I know you’re all precocious and everything, but just stick to what my campaign organizers tell you to say, OK? It’s written there on the card. And for the record the word is pronounced mah-jore-ih-tee.

By way of conclusion, let me just point out that as children, you are the country’s “future” and whatever. But what matters more is that you are my “present.” You humanize me in a way that even stylish acrylic cannot. Also, we’re up against the clock here, so it would help me out a lot if you could come out to the curb and wait for me there when I arrive on your street. Remember: ugly children in the back, pretty children up front, pregnant teens behind the shrubbery.


memo from stephen harper to all canadian children

  1. This is just my opinion, but it seems to me that Dion should start doing photo ops like above to start softening his own hardening image of an angry politician. The Liberal message is starting to be the same as 2004 and 2006 – “Harper is scary”. The only difference seems to be an add-on, Dion personalizing it a little to “Harper is mean to me.”

    Dion’s adresses are invariably angry and negative, all of this on a backdrop of incessantly negative advertising. Does Dion not see the irony of complaining about the Conservative’s attacks on him while he’s authorizing the campaign’s most negative ads?

    Is this negativism the reason why voters are bolting from the party left and right?

    He needs to smile more and start doing photo ops.

  2. This screams for a caption contest.

    And with the Chretien Mulroney style pork announcements over the last week, he might actually BE Santa Claus!

  3. I don’t have any clever quips this morning but the kid looks like he has bedhead and is wearing pajamas.

    So, he was yanked out of bed by scary Harper and made to perform in front of the cameras, or else!

  4. Play a fiddle at the cross-roads, the devil comes to bargain for your soul. Play a tiny cello in your living room, Stephen Harper shows up and offers your riding a passport office.

  5. Laughing out loud at the post, laughing even harder at Mike T’s comment.
    If there’s a caption contest, he wins, hands down.

    Keep up the good work – this blog is pretty much the only thing getting me through this election.

  6. Echoing JennyC blog central is amazing. I thought Macleans was dead….

  7. Forget about the MacArthur Award, kid. It’s mine.
    All mine.

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