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Mike Duffy says Stephen Harper is God’s contractor


 

“Your federal government is moving heaven and earth, literally, to protect Canadians from economic downturn.” — Senator Mike Duffy – the man who totally did not want to serve in the Senate, and if he was going to serve in the Senate then he would totally insist on doing so as an independent because he was so unbiased as a broadc— what’s that? You want him to be a Conservative? And not just a Conservative but the single-most partisan Conservative senator in the entire chamber and also the world’s most enthusiastic smoocher of prime ministerial arse? Well, I’ll ask him but I can’t see how he’ll do it considering what he said about being independent and, oh, I just asked him and he said fine – delivers a speech to a business audience in Charlottetown on Friday.

You see what Duffy is doing there. Through its infrastructure stimulus package, the government is literally moving earth as part of its effort to fight the recession. Ha ha. That’s witty! The news here, however, is that they’re moving heaven as well. I don’t recall seeing anything about that in any of my government documentation or near-death experiences.

Memo to God
From Senator Mike Duffy

First of all, sorry for the mess up there. Guess we got a little carried away, heh heh! But don’t worry – your Throne of Judgment will be back together and good as new in no time. And believe me: you are going to love the new built-in massagers. Now that’s heaven!

Here’s a quick update on where we are with our other infrastructure projects:

1. We’ve used steel beams, masonry and the chest hair of angels to completely reinforced Clouds One through Eight (screw those hedonistic bastards on Cloud Nine!).

2. We’re currently replacing the Pearly Gates with a more durable alloy that’s believed to be impenetrable to even the most determined Baldwin.

3. We’ve broken ground on the concert hall where Jimi Hendrix will jam for all eternity with John Lennon, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin until Stockwell Day convinces you to damn them all to Hell.

4. We’ve shifted the whole of heaven just a bit to the right at a cost of $160-million. It was either that or spend the money on the CBC, so…

Quick question: Some of our workers are complaining that they can’t get a darn thing for lunch up there that’s not slathered in Philly cream cheese. Anything you can do to help?


 
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Mike Duffy says Stephen Harper is God’s contractor

  1. It all rings true, except for the part about Mike Duffy complaining about cream cheese. Somehow, I just can't see that happening.

    • I do. You know, just as he never really wanted to be in the Senate.

  2. Number 3 needs work – do you really think the ol Shaman really made it to Heaven (Morrison) becuase I doubt Jim even if invited would have gone. Jimi H. maybe listen to the lyrics of voodoo chile – Janis no way the only Southern Comfort available you can't snarf back a bottle thereof.

  3. Enough with the Duffy attacks. You do realize there are other senators? Why not attack the senators that show up for work once or twice per year when they are in the mood? Or the ones that sleep all day in the chamber? Instead, you go after the one who is most active.

    Wow, Duffy says something Feschuk doesn't like, what a news story.

    • Because Duffy's the only one making a regular ass of himself.

      • I would venture Duffy is probably the most qualified to move such an initiative forward. If you gathered the Senators for a group photo, you would immediately see Mike Duffy has the highest BMI rating.

    • How are we measuring "active" these days?

    • You think Feschuk writes "news stories" on his "Feschuk on the Famous" blog?

      I'll never get over all the people who complain that there's not enough serious news being posted on a satirical entertainment blog.

      You think this place is bad, you should call that Jon Stewart guy. That guy has no journalistic integrity whatsoever!!! It's appalling.

      • well said. or when people on Kady O'Malley's blog say it's "inside baseball"… ummmmmm, it's inside something but not baseball twit.

  4. Duffy only showing up for work once or twice per year. Now, that's heaven!

  5. What boggles the mind about Duffy is how long it took some liberals to recognize he is not at all objective.

  6. “Your federal government is moving heaven and earth, literally, to protect Canadians from economic downturn.”

    I'll believe that when I get my old job back. Also when both the Grits and Tories (Duffy did said 'government,' not 'Conservative Party,' so I'll give him that) stop with the embarrassing partisan attacks; only a minority government that compromises and works together is 'moving heaven and earth.' This government is anything but.

  7. God's contractor ….. so that's where the reno tax dividend came from.

  8. Mr. Potato Head

  9. I can see all that. Especially as Duffy hasn't had any real capability at not glueing his face to the person in power since he stopped doing the farm report. And I suspect he might have been glued to the backend of a pig during that time.

  10. Give credit where credit is due. Duff is great at moving manure. The Grade A, No. 1 Prime Ministerial Harper type of Manure. And when you are good at something as Duffy is, you should keep doing it. Production is beginning on the Duffy-Harper pre-election infomercial in September. Coming to a CTV station near you.

  11. Give credit where credit is due. Duff is great at moving manure, the Grade A, No. 1 Prime Ministerial Harper type of Manure. And when you are good at something as Duffy is, you should keep doing it. Production is beginning on the Duffy-Harper pre-election infomercial in September. Coming to a CTV station near you.

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