“Your federal government is moving heaven and earth, literally, to protect Canadians from economic downturn.” — Senator Mike Duffy – the man who totally did not want to serve in the Senate, and if he was going to serve in the Senate then he would totally insist on doing so as an independent because he was so unbiased as a broadc— what’s that? You want him to be a Conservative? And not just a Conservative but the single-most partisan Conservative senator in the entire chamber and also the world’s most enthusiastic smoocher of prime ministerial arse? Well, I’ll ask him but I can’t see how he’ll do it considering what he said about being independent and, oh, I just asked him and he said fine – delivers a speech to a business audience in Charlottetown on Friday.
You see what Duffy is doing there. Through its infrastructure stimulus package, the government is literally moving earth as part of its effort to fight the recession. Ha ha. That’s witty! The news here, however, is that they’re moving heaven as well. I don’t recall seeing anything about that in any of my government documentation or near-death experiences.
Memo to God
From Senator Mike Duffy
First of all, sorry for the mess up there. Guess we got a little carried away, heh heh! But don’t worry – your Throne of Judgment will be back together and good as new in no time. And believe me: you are going to love the new built-in massagers. Now that’s heaven!
Here’s a quick update on where we are with our other infrastructure projects:
1. We’ve used steel beams, masonry and the chest hair of angels to completely reinforced Clouds One through Eight (screw those hedonistic bastards on Cloud Nine!).
2. We’re currently replacing the Pearly Gates with a more durable alloy that’s believed to be impenetrable to even the most determined Baldwin.
3. We’ve broken ground on the concert hall where Jimi Hendrix will jam for all eternity with John Lennon, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin until Stockwell Day convinces you to damn them all to Hell.
4. We’ve shifted the whole of heaven just a bit to the right at a cost of $160-million. It was either that or spend the money on the CBC, so…
Quick question: Some of our workers are complaining that they can’t get a darn thing for lunch up there that’s not slathered in Philly cream cheese. Anything you can do to help?