Monday Caption Challenge No. 1 (The Reboot) - Macleans.ca
 

Monday Caption Challenge No. 1 (The Reboot)

This caption totally and completely writes itself—now get out there and write it!


 

Stephen Harper. In a Zodiac. In a suit. Folks, this caption totally and completely writes itself – now get out there and write it!

* The winner of each week’s caption challenge, as declared by a jury of me (or, on occasion, a guest juror of considerable aplomb and free time), shall receive a prize valued in the tens of dollars – right up until we get a sponsor for this thing, at which time the prize will become actually worth winning. (Attention potential sponsors: This is what’s known in the business as a HINT.)


 
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Monday Caption Challenge No. 1 (The Reboot)

  1. "Damn msm and their constant demand for interviews and photos trying to make me look ridiculous …. if I could walk on water people would complain that I can't swim"

    or

    "It was part of his profession to kill people. He had never liked doing it and when he had to kill he did it as well as he knew how and forgot about it. As a secret agent who held the rare Double-O prefix – the licence to kill in the Secret Service – it was his duty to be as cool about death as a surgeon. If it happened, it happened. Regret was unprofessional — worse, it was a death-watch beetle in the soul." Goldfinger, Chapter 1 (according to wiki)

    Now I am not implying that Harper is Bond, James Bond. Far from it. Harper thinks he's Bond sitting in boat like that with suit, or at least I would be thinking I was Bond, James Bond if I was in similar situation.

  2. "The piano's in the other Zodiac? This won't work."

    • Are company employees disqualified from winning the grand prize?

      • Actually, Wells IS the prize.

        • Wells is worth tens of dollars???

          • That sum includes his suit…(which, to follow up on my own joke, is also from Harry's Private Sale).

        • Still no sponsor?

    • Stick to your day job.

  3. "Hope these guys can get me to Harry's Private Sale in time for door crasher specials!"

  4. My tummy's jiggling, my tie is flying in the wind — but nary a hair out of place. Thank you, Turtle Wax!"

  5. I don't need a life, my blue sweater vest will save me!

  6. meant to say

    I don't need a life jacket, my blue sweater vest will save me!

    • But the first one was really funny.

  7. "Boaty, boaty, boaty…!"

  8. Miami (AP) – Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper discovered by U.S. Coast Guard officers floating 10 miles off Key West in a home-made raft of used Tim Hortons donut boxes.

  9. He doesn't need a lifejacket because sh!t floats.

    • Wow! Minus 2! The prize is mine!

  10. Too bad Stockwell had the Seadoo already – that would have been more fun.

  11. "Remind me again — am I the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?"

  12. "Prime Minister Stephen Harper participates in sea trial of the first of Canada's new arctic-capable naval vessels thus delivering on Conservative promises from the last three elections."

  13. You know, cement shoes really are comfortable!

  14. This fall, Stephen Harper is David Caruso in CSI: Tofino

  15. The Liberals had 13 years to put a lifejacket on him and they just didn't get it done.

  16. No need for a lifejacket fellas, all my hot air will keep me afloat.

  17. "Hand on the knee that's astern — it's what the cool guys do. Got it!"

  18. I be on a boat! No life jacket, flippy-floppies!
    Iggy back at the House, flipping out over Afghan detainees

    I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Look at me, I'm on a m———- boat!

  19. "A little too high in the water here — shouldn't have let Duffy ride in the stern!"

    • Win

  20. "Look over there — it's a whale! Oh, no, it's just Dean — aw, now will I have to apologize to him in HoC?"

  21. So guys, Excellent work throwing Iggy and Jack off. There will be a little extra in next week's pay.

  22. Oh yeah, he looked all stern and majestic in the picture, but when that Russian sub surfaced he squealed like a girl.

  23. So it's agreed then, we take the ship and hold out for 7 million?

  24. "Global warming? Widespread climate change? Pish Posh! Take me to Copenhagen!"

    "Sir, this is Copenhagen."

    • Cute.

    • good one!

  25. Harper crossing the Rubicon on HMS Santa's Knee

  26. Since he went from Independent journalist to Conservative Senator, I should return the favour and help the coast guard free Duffy from the tuna net.

  27. In a rare non-partisan move, Prime Minister Harper (complete with inflatable tie) joins Canadian Coast Guard officials in search of Michael Ignatieff's political career.

  28. "Team Can-a-da – F*ck Yeah!!!"

    Now where can I purchase the action figure set?

  29. Race! Race! Race!!!!

  30. Now that we have secretly cloned Iggy and replaced him in the HOC we have to get rid of the original – how about somewhere around here?

  31. "Too bad I couldn't fit into Stockwell's wet suit."

  32. Harper
    " See Michael! This is what real leadership is about. Sitting up at the sorta pointy end of this rubber dinghy thingy with some real heroes who have… life… jackets… on… [ off camera]…hey guys, are you sure they didn't have my size??"

  33. BELAY THE HARPOON! THAT'S SENATOR DUFFY! REPEAT – BELAY HARPOON!

  34. "You guys like movies?. Last week Rachel and I watched Peter Pan and there's this great scene where Captain Hook and Smee take TigerLily out on a boat…and then Peter Pan saves her…that Peter – he cracks me up."

  35. Seaman to PM:

    " That's right sir, we always have the ballast up the front here.It's handy if we need to suddenly lighten our load see."

    PM:' Yes, i get it, absolutely! So what are we gonna ditch if it comes too that…er…boys??

  36. Harper: Ponders one of our constitution's trickier questions…are life-jackets a provincial or federal responsibility?

  37. "Wow, it's cold out here… should have gone 'caring' Stephen for this photo-op and worn the sweater…"

  38. I know I'm obsessing, but seriously, do we know why the PM isn't wearing a life jacket?

    I'd be less concerned if he wasn't the only person not wearing a life jacket. Is it not required? More importantly, is it not prudent? It weirds me out a bit to see the leader of our government on a zodiac surrounded by naval personnel in life jackets, and he doesn't have a life jacket (also, btw, are those Navy personnel or Coast Guard? I presumed they're Navy and they're on their way to a ship, but a lot of people have referred to them as Coast Guard personnel).

    Don't get me wrong, I know the PM isn't in any real danger of drowning here. One of the men wearing a life jacket would SURELY save the Prime Minister if he went over the side. However, what if they hit a wave and he DID go over the side. How am I supposed to laugh at that if he's not wearing a flotation device of some sort? It's just not funny if there's actually real potential peril.

    Are life jackets not required? Did they simply not have one (it can't be that can it?). Was it offered and refused?

    I don't mean this as any sort of "attack" (on either Harper or those with him) but I find it slightly disconcerting that the leader of our government would be allowed on a zodiac at sea (that's the ocean right?) and everyone EXCEPT him gets a life jacket. Maybe I'm really obsessively nitpicking, but that seems like it'd be, you know, a thing.

  39. Looking like a fish out of water riding a crest,
    Harper leads two of our finest HMCS boys through the key.
    When the salt spray dries on his sunken chest,
    It'll look like he's been with Monica Lewinsky.

  40. Steven Harper rescued from floating iceberg – might reconsider position on global warming

  41. I should have known better than to ask Jasmine MacDonnell to bring my life jacket.

  42. Super Steve don't need no steenking life jacket, LKO. In the Merry Marvel Marching Society, his Magic Helmet of Hair is renowned for getting him out of life-threatening situations.

  43. "If I could have found a George 'Dubya' Bush flightsuit with massive codpiece, I would have… but, the Coast Guard PR wouldn't give me a cool costume or even a Tilly "photo-journalist" vest.
    I really wanted that codpiece… If I can't have a codpiece, then the Fisheries can just flounder!!"

  44. "I don't need a Life Jacket, I'm so full of Texas-funded TarSands crude & self-esteem that I KNOW I walk on water!!"

  45. Lauren tells me I look like Captain Jack Sparrow….arrrr……

  46. "I" want to put me in the movies
    "I" want to make a big star out of "me
    They'll make a film about a man that's sad and lonley
    All I have to do is photo-ops, naturally

  47. "I guess his gut serves as a personal floatation device."

    "What, no life jacket? I thought Steve was against Libertarianism."

  48. Rove, with a three-man crew —
    Come aboard the Tory canoe!
    Rove, it's all cynical spin.
    Fire up Baird, and we'll all sniff glue!

    Oh, Rove Boat! Soon will be fighting a new campaign;
    The Rove Boat — populists all get the free champagne.
    Set a course in a circle, and bow down before the whip.

    Oh, Rove, who knows what's in store?
    It's hypocrisy, talking points galore!
    It's ROOOOOOVE! Welcome aboard, it's ROOOOVE!

    [youtube ZmUlKPthrag http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmUlKPthrag youtube]

  49. Spot the object containing the most hot air in this photo.

  50. " Okay, one last thing… I've got MacKay's tie here. Wrap it around a fish and send it to his family."

  51. Rove, with a three-man crew —
    Come aboard the Tory canoe!
    Rove, it's all cynical spin.
    Fire up Baird, and we'll all sniff glue!

    Oh, Rove Boat! Soon will be fighting a new campaign;
    The Rove Boat — populists all get the free champagne.
    Set a course in a circle, and bow down before your God.

    Oh, Rove, who knows what's in store?
    It's hypocrisy, talking points galore!
    It's ROOOOOOVE! Welcome aboard, it's ROOOOVE!

    [youtube ZmUlKPthrag http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmUlKPthrag youtube]

  52. Is the camera still on me? I so need to be sick…

  53. "There aren't any of those Somali pirates down here, are there?"

  54. The troops he's using for this photo op are serving aboard the HMCS Ville de Quebec so presumably are Navy personnel.

  55. "I'm sailing the seven seas, as powerful as the infallible Captain Bligh; now who should I name as loyal first mate, my own personal Fletcher Christi– d'oh, wait a minute!"

  56. Bravo!

  57. I suppose this is a bad time to tell you about budgetary cutbacks.

  58. Superb!

    Naturally, Harper would take the lead vocal. Any thoughts on accompaniment? Piano? Lute? Zither? Spoons?

  59. OK, seriously though, about the life jacket thing. WTF?

    I'm 100% confident in the ability of those two fine gentlemen to save the PM if he goes over the side, but HOW IS HE NOT WEARING A LIFE JACKET?!?!? Can you imagine a picture of the President of the United States on a Navy zodiac in which the PRESIDENT is the only person in the boat without a life jacket on??? Did no one at any time say "Gee, everyone else here has a life jacket on, maybe we ought to throw one on the PRIME MINISTER OF THE COUNTRY". No?

    • Dude, it's photoshopped :)

    • He's wearing a life jacket under his suit.

      • No, that's a navy regulation breakfast.

    • You can't see it in the photo, but the boat's actually still tied to the dock…

    • Where's a rogue wave when you really need one?

  60. Thanks! Hmm, good question. Harper on piano, Baird on bass drum, Poilièvre on tambourine, Duffy on the BIG maracas.

  61. "I'm on a boat, motherf**ker, take a look at me!
    Straight flowin' on a boat on the deep blue sea!
    Bustin' five knots, wind whippin out my coat!
    You can't stop me motherf**ker, 'cause I'm on a boat!"

    • damn! u beat me!

    • Give him the fifty bucks

    • Nice call, nice call.

  62. Can ya see Russia from out here ?

  63. And John Baird on the triangle.

  64. "Calling All Captains!"

  65. "OK, boys, let's do another take… this time, with Tom Clancy on my right instead of my left."

  66. "The photos not turning out to the PM's satisfaction on the first pass, the zodiac was forced to turn around, go back to shore, and repeat the entire trip back to the ship so that the photographers could get one more try".

  67. I'm flying, Jack!

  68. What do you mean they didn't say boarding water?

  69. "No life jacket? Hah! I have an inflatable head!"

  70. Soon… soon this will all be mine… and Danny Williams will grovel….

  71. Harper: I wont put my lifejacket on. I wont! Not unless you let me drive!

  72. "So, if I fell overboard, you proud men in uniform would rescue me… right?"

  73. "Harper declined a life-jacket saying that it was, 'too Village People'."

  74. I could swear I saw him put his wallet in this pocket right here.

  75. I Am the Very Model of a Modern Prime Minister…

  76. I Am the Very Model of a Modern Prime Minister
    People Ascribe to me plots so very sinister
    But I defy the critics and all elitist professerors
    To wax more eloquent when hiding behind our soldiers

    I'm very well acquainted, too, with facts and theories
    But I give them no credit when inspiring the furies
    Of the mindless drones who follow me religiously
    Into the guns of reason and scientific philosophies

    • And he's never ever sick at sea.

  77. Stephen's face dropped as the Zodiac turned and began heading AWAY from the mainland. All to late he remembered…the legislation, the one that was supposed to quash the opposition and make it powerless against his will, but instead spawned the coalition that had almost toppled him. The press had focused on the anti-equality aspect, and to be frank that was mostly what he remembered. But it had been a union-busting law, too…unions such as coast guard local 613…

  78. "Remember what the media said when Stockwell wore proper seafaring attire on that jetski? No way I'm making that mistake…" – Stephen Harper.

  79. Some sailors went to sea sea sea
    To see what they could see see see
    But all that they could see see see
    Was Steve, the leader of the C.P.C.

  80. Harper is given the somewhat dubious honour of filling the one role on board that doesn't require a lifejacket…being the anchor.
    PM;" Are you sure about this?
    Swabbies:" Oh yes sir… not to worry. We hardly ever need a storm anchor."

  81. Nobody had the heart to tell Stephen that the Beachcombers had been cancelled years ago.