Nation in Crisis – Day 4 – A Special Report: Jessica Simpson… Fat or What?


 

The Interweb, and presumably at least one luckless chair at Arby’s, is straining under the weight of Jessica Simpson’s, uhh, weight. Snarky comments are being typed. Blogs are being posted. Tweeters are being twirped, or whatever. And the Dallas Cowboys are preparing for the worst and consulting the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement for the salary cap implications of their starting quarterback having been eaten.

Seriously, I haven’t seen gossip sites latch on to a story like this since Tom Cruise came out of the closet (the closet of crazy – what did you think I meant?) or Scarlett Johansson married me.*

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The crisis – highlighted by the above photo of the singer/actress respecting Hollywood’s two-belt minimum for women over 115 pounds – has reached the point that Jessica Simpson is actually being defended by Kim Kardashian, whose defining physical characteristic is a rear end that resembles your Grandma’s two largest Tupperware bowls trapped in spandex. Kardashian describes Simpson as looking “curvier” but “hot.”

Feschuk on the Famous will continue to monitor this ongoing crisis and provide updates as warranted. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming about the disintegration of the global economy and all we hold dear, already in progress.

* Recollection may not be to scale.


 
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Nation in Crisis – Day 4 – A Special Report: Jessica Simpson… Fat or What?

  1. You’re lampooning the media’s focus on frivolity by focusing this media on frivolity?

    The irony will be deliciously complete if some pundit (possibly Jeffery Simpson) writes a column hectoring Canadians for being focused on frivolity.

    • lampooning the what now? nope, i’m just lampooning the fact she’s wearing a backup belt…

      • Backup belts are the least of my dilemmas right now. I’m still trying to figure out what you’re wearing in your gravatar image. Is that vinyl?

        • you betcha. the six million dollar man dresses with STYLE.

  2. Not a Simpson fan (or a pop fan, frankly), but she’s looking healthier and sexier. Horrible choice of jeans, though.

  3. Hey, look! A pop star who doesn’t look like she’s undergoing chemotherapy! For shame, Ms. Simpson!

    IN all seriousness, I’m not a fan, but she doesn’t look that bad.
    Except for the belts.
    I’m with Scott on the belts.

  4. Next video shoot – her lathering up and washing a dump truck.

  5. …or a chip wagon.

    • I think she ate the chip wagon.

      • These boots are made for walking (to the all you can eat buffet).

  6. Let me see if I get this straight = this is supposed to be fat? Looks pretty good to me and in point of fact I think she looks better way better and who knows maybe actually having a burger once inawhile and not running to the washroom with a feather is actually healthier for you. What a startling revelation – I don’t get this super thin thing never have. I remember the MOD days right before Hippiedom and the rage at the time that changed female modelling for the worse was Twiggy and then Goldie Hawn for laugh in and for some weird reason up to then the classic female shape was definitley hourglass (ala Marilyn M.) but then the stick figure took over – sorry don’t get it and sure wish women didn’t buy into it! Way to go Jessie any time your in Canada!

  7. It’s pretty offensive that this would be considered fat. What’s more offensive of course, are those pants. Dear god.

  8. Rockin the mom jeans.

  9. I get that you are s’posed to be the low-brow “pop culture” guy around here, but this example of social insanity towards the female form is irresponsible. You got any teenage or preteen daughters? Care to mock Ms. Simpson’s alleged “fat”-ness in front of them? Or will you only contribute this, um, important social commentary to everyone else’s daughters?

    • madeyoulook, you are characteristically jumping off the deep end.

      This is fair and astute comment because it is counter to how Jessica Simpson exploited her looks to seek fame and fortune – go look at her video I alluded earlier . Google: “these boots are made for walking jessica simpson”

      Good work Feschuk! (btw any relation to Chief Garry Feschuk of BC? I have some Calgary friends who pondered the same surname)

  10. Let’s get back to the real crisis here, that she was singing at a CHILI COOK-OFF!

    I’m not a huge fan of her work, and I think I prefer the way she looks now, but chili cook-off? Really? Could she not play at the county fair because they had already booked Hootie and the Blowfish?

  11. jessica simpson has been marketing herself as a sex symbol after that whole ‘try to achieve and maintain success through my singing talents’ didn’t work out and she attempted the reality show fame-whore route instead. it would be unfortunate if young women were made to feel even more pressured to be thin due the enormous parade the media has turned her wieght gain into but i would find it far more tragic if young women had been looking to the pizza hut shilling, stupidty feigning (i hope), bikini-clad car washing simpson as a role model in the first place.
    building an empire on your breats may seem like a good idea at first but even the perkiest of boosums will sag and the tightest of midrifts will expand and then you will be left with the talents you have worked for instead of the ones you can’t help.

  12. Jessica Simpson made a fortune out of her alleged gorgeousness and stick thinness and now it’s gone.

    I’m revelling in the schadenfreude.

  13. Jessica Simpson is now in a perfect position to show what a talented *singer* she is…