Actual-job commitments prevent me from posting today – but they don’t prevent you from brutally killing off 95 seconds of your defenceless work day. Here’s a musty old bit from the archives…
T. Rajeevnath, a film director from India, said he hopes to persuade Paris Hilton to play the role of Nobel laureate and prospective Catholic saint, Mother Teresa, in an upcoming movie. The filmmaker said a computer-generated image shows a close facial match between the Albanian-born nun and the hotel heiress, who has starred in such films as House of Wax and that one on the Internet where she does a variety of interesting things to that man who lacks pants.
Dearest T. – I read your script. Very intense! You sure seem like a “serious” person. ;-) This is really different from most of the movies we make here in America on account of it not having special effects or a happy ending or Samuel L. Jackson. But that’s okay I guess. I’m sure your film will make people think ways about things and stuff!
Anyway, I’m totally flattered that you want me to star as Her Motherliness, who is truly one of the greatest Americans of all time (although I can’t believe you told the media that you think I look like her; Lindsay Lohan hasn’t shut up about it since, that bitch).
I wanted to send you this note because I have a just a few suggested changes to the “screenplay” that I thought I’d pass along. :-) I hope you’re not offended! I know you’re an Indian and I respect that we stole your land, which was very rude and horrible of the Pilgrims! Sorry!
Pg 18: Again??! Come on – she’s already prayed, like, twice! And now a third time? That’ll only seem realistic if she’s worried she’s pregnant.
Pg 25: You’re the director, but I think that if we change it from “based on a true story” to “inspired by a true story,” then we can get away with having her hook up with Colin Farrell.
Pg 33: I love it when she takes her “vow of poverty.” Renouncing all of her possessions like that. Good one! Funniest scene in the movie!
Pg 36: No, seriously, what did she do with all her stuff?
Pg 41: Lepers? Ewww.
Pg. 49: This is supposed to be a religious film, right? So where are all the cherubs? People pay attention to these kinds of details, you know.
Pg. 51: What’s a “slum?”
Pg 54: Just a gut feeling – but this scene here where she finally gets permission to start up her own order? Feels like the right place for an awesome shopping montage like in Pretty Woman.
Pg 58: I understand that casting is totally your business and not mine, but I think Matthew McConaughey would be perfect as this “Pope” guy who keeps popping up. You can totally feel the sexual tension right on the page!
Pg 66: See where I’ve drawn that big frowny face? I’m not sure I understand that part. How does this “moral conscience” thing work?
Pg 73: Is this girl ever going to get some sweet lovin’ or what? I mean, helloooo?? It’s not like she’s a monk or something.
Pg 82: There’s this big speech here that I’m supposed to give, and right now it ends: “Love has a hem to her garment that reaches to the very dust; it sweeps the stains from the streets and lanes, and because it can, it must.” I was thinking that instead I should say: “Love… that’s hot!” And then that’s when the homeless refugees spray my T-shirt with water.
Pg 88: I’m not opposed to shooting on location in Calcutta or in India or wherever. But I’m telling you right now that if all you need are some starving emaciated people as extras, we should just go over to Nicole Richie’s.
Pg 91: You may not know this but in American movies children don’t just stand around being poor. They say really wild and funny stuff all the time. The kids in your movie should have humourous little catchphrases like “Having no money sucks!” or “I’m hungry.” People will laugh!
Pg 98: Boy, this Mother Teresa sure is a goody two-shoes! The studio people probably already suggested this, but it might be good to pair her up with a maverick nun who plays by her own set of rules. Or maybe that Whoopi Goldberg nun from Sister Act. That nun was always up to something!
Pg 110: Are you sure she was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom? I don’t remember her being President.
Pg 114: Another charitable act?! We get it already! She’s a nice lady! But you’re acting like she’s a saint or something.