Our long national bagel nightmare is finally over - Macleans.ca

Our long national bagel nightmare is finally over


You know how taking out a bagel and spreading cream cheese on it can be a frustrating and onerous chore? Me neither. But apparently it is because commercials are everywhere now for Kraft Bagel-fuls – a bagel-type substance that come wrapped around a wad of cream cheese and is available in your grocer’s freezer. Half the taste and four million times the chemicals! (I’m kidding, Kraft Foods: I’m sure the fact that a Bagel-ful looks exactly like a Twinkie has no bearing on its nutritional content.)

On one hand, there’s the organics movement, the 100-mile diet, slow dining, grass-fed cattle, flying to Indonesia to offer soothing massage to the impoverished workers who harvest your coffee beans and all that. On the other hand, there’s the food that most people actually eat. In a miraculous age in which science has made it possible for us to consume our Special K in liquid form, Kraft Bagel-fuls offer value in three keys areas:

Relief – Recent statistics indicate that applying cream cheese to a bagel is causing 70 per cent of North Americans to get winded. Another 12 per cent keep trying to spread the bagel onto the cream cheese.

Productivity – With the four seconds they save by not having to spread cream cheese themselves, everyone in America is going to study to be an astronaut. Your move, China.

Religion – The popularity of “food” like Bagel-fuls, Lunchables and things crammed onto sticks and wrapped in other things offers persuasive evidence that God has lost, Satan is in ascendance and we are all doomed to suffer eternally for some grave collective sin – probably the one where we let Kevin Federline procreate.

Kraft touts its Bagel-fuls by highlighting their “convenient shape” – apparently, humankind has yet to master how to affix its hands to “round” – and the fact that cramming one into your face requires “no plates, mess or effort!” Whew. No longer shall our stoutest men be forced to toil all day in the cream cheese mines. No more shall our women folk be enslaved to operate the elaborate and often lethal system of levers and pulleys required to press together the two sides of the bagel. Plus, now we don’t have to lick flame retardant materials for our daily hit of ammonium sulfate!

All that’s left on the breakfast front is to invent a cereal with the milk already in it, and the spoon already in the cereal, and the cereal, milk and spoon already in your colon.

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Our long national bagel nightmare is finally over

  1. As long as most of Canada thinks a bagel comes out of a plastic bag at a grocery store (after having been placed there 2-5 days earlier), rather than a wood-fired brick oven minutes before it's in your mouth, then the nightmare is most definitely NOT over.

    • I used to live in Montreal, and TOTALLY agree, however I would point out that, ironically, being a product that you microwave (and therefore a product that is eaten warm, and at least has the veneer of "simulated freshness" through it's warmth and moisture) a Kraft Bagel-ful may actually be closer to an authentic bagel experience than the "bagels" you can buy at most grocery stores. (lol just guessing though, haven't tried one yet)

      And while I have a high appreciation for a fresh bagel right out of the oven, I'll settle for the less fresh variety now that Metro has taken over my local Dominion and is bringing me St Viateur bagels. A couple days old or not, that beats anything I can get without an hour-plus ride on the TTC, so I'll take it!!! I can't even describe how excited I was the first time I was walking through the bakery section of my Metro and saw a pack of St. Viateur bagels. Now if I could just get a franchise of Dunn's to take over my local Burger King, I'd be in heaven.

  2. What about the Silent Bread Crisis now going on, and the almost total media blackout on the subject. Every loaf of bread we now buy can barely survive toasting without breaking up into bits. I blame flax.

    No-one has raised this during QP, and no-one seems to be on top of this issue. Yet.

    • Flax has been getting a free ride for a long time, and is due its comeuppance. Talk to your MP and see if you can get some attention to this issue.

      • The problem is my MP is NDP, and is probably in bed with the flax union. What this issue needs is a fearless advocate who isn't afraid to make their point. Someone who, when you mess with them, messes back, until they're done.

        Not sure who fits that bill.

  3. Combine this with pre-cooked bacon and pre-shredded cheese (never mind tap water in a bottle…) and we have proof that marketing works.

    • I'm with you on the cheese and the water, but pre-cooked bacon is proof of the existence of God.

      Sure, it's inferior to "real" bacon but cooking "real" bacon is a messy hassle (WAY messier, and WAY more of a hassle than shredding your own cheese). As a condo dweller I appreciate pre-cooked bacon (you have no idea how often I'd set off the smoke detector at my place if I cooked "real" bacon all the time!).

      • The stuff in the bottle is certainly not North York tap water. It doesn't have the light orange tint or smell and taste of mouldy dirt.

  4. They're not bad. I eat them all the time now. Cheese shoots out the end if you squeeze them too hard, but otherwise they're fine.

    • Cheese shooting out the end is the main attraction for anyone under 10.

      • The only way to consume a good ice cream cone is through the bottom.

        • And cheese ice cream is soooo under rated…

  5. That's gross. Please use your mouth next time.

    • Who says I'm not two faced?

      • I once heard it said that a person was such a smart-ass they could sit on an icecream cone and tell us the flavor.. are you confirming this for us? :)

      • I once heard it said that a person was such a smart-ass they could sit on an ice-cream cone and tell us the flavor.. are you confirming this for us? :)

        • BUTTer pecan.

  6. Finally, someone else who gets that!

  7. and i thought i was going to have to take the extra 30 seconds and spread that cheese around. thank goodness for this invention.

  8. You know what I hate? I hate when people say BAG-ul instead of BAY-gul. That's what I really, really hate. That and American spelling,

    • My pet peeve.

  9. Please tell me that they are individually wrapped in non-recyclable materials, and our path to the darkside will be complete…

    • In plastic. Yes. I try not to think of that when I'm eating.

  10. Plus, now we don't have to lick flame retardant materials for our daily hit of ammonium sulfate!

    Did you know you can manufacture your own ammonium sulfate using common household materials? Just mix together Windex, drain cleaner, and a bit of powdered drywall under low heat. Stir vigorously, and whatever you do, don't inhale.

    • If only making your own bagels were that easy!

  11. Totally off-topic, but I thought Mr. Feschuk should be made aware of this.

    What if the killer robots from the future, are us/!?!?!

    Admit it. I just blew your mind.

  12. But if we are killer robots from the future…how could we come up with so many lame bagel/ sexy lobster comments?

    • No, no, see, we're not the killer robots from the future, the killer robots from the future are us.

      Temporal paradoxes are hard.

      • Temporal paradoxes are hard……You're talking to the guy who still can't figure out whether Kirk has his glasses that McCoy gave him at the beginning of Star Trek IV, at the end of the movie.

  13. I wonder how they would taste with this – http://www.baconnaise.com/

    I'm guessing LKO could provide a review.

  14. I wonder how they would taste with this – http://www.baconnaise.com/

    I'm guessing LKO could provide a review.

    • So, you'd guess that based on the fact that I haven't eaten a "Bagel-ful" but that I do enjoy the convenience of pre-cooked bacon, given my apartment lifestyle? That seems rather a leap.

      As it happens, like Bagel-fuls, I have never tried baconnaise (though I'm well familiar with it from it's frequent appearances on the Daily Show). So, I can't provide a review, but it sounds vile.

  15. I wonder how they would taste with this – http://www.baconnaise.com/

    I'm guessing LKO could provide a review.

  16. Heads up guys. I just went to a Tim's kiosk to get a toasted bagel and the server … wait for it … spread the cream cheese for me!

    Plus they have lattes. Not sure where the non-elitists have their coffees these days.