22

Reviewing Tiger’s performance

Tiger Woods’ statement contained 800% of your recommended daily allowance of Oprah


 

Everyone is going to be commenting on Tiger’s first public appearance after it happens at 11 a.m. ET. But this is the 21st century. We have Twitter and BlackBerries and Coke Zero. We should no longer have to wait for events to actually transpire.

Ergo, I thought Tiger seemed nervous, defensive and mentally fragile. Also, I have to admit that I was surprised when he whipped it out.

Okay, it’s time. We know it’s big news because CNN has a fancy graphic: Tiger Talks. They also have a montage of the women with whom Tiger reportedly had sexual relations. Curiously, the photos show all the women in various degrees of scantily cladedness. What a strange coincidence.

Annnnd… it’s over: Tiger looked older and he looked tired. His head seemed smaller. It didn’t help that he appeared to be speaking to us from in front of the window treatments at a standard room in the Tulsa Best Western. He issued an apology and then apologies and more apologies and one special apology, to all you kids out there. (Apology that was least eloquent but probably most sincere: “My behaviour has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”) He raised his voice in the sections of the statement where his professional advisors told him to raise his voice (I AM NOW MAKING A POINT OF EMPHASIS). More apologies, an almost-cry, and several sentences in which he described his own lifestyle and morals in words usually reserved for sociopaths and Charlie Sheen. You know how some cereals contain 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vitamins and minerals? Tiger Woods’ statement contained 800% of your recommended daily allowance of Oprah. I especially enjoyed the weird segue toward the end, when Tiger abruptly started talking about his renewed commitment to Buddhism. Nice try, Scientology. Maybe you’ll land the next one.

Tiger concluded his little speech, 80 days in the writing and rewriting, by saying: “I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.” And then he left the podium and hugged his Mom. And that’s where he lost me. Pre-planned public Mom hugging for sympathy-based purposes?! Right after that passionate declaration about keeping his wife and kids out of the spotlight and LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!! “That last moment was a bit odd,” said the guy on CNN, and the guy on CNN was right.


 
Filed under:

Reviewing Tiger’s performance

  1. I was disappointed when the reporters all collapsed in laughter at his first mention of getting back to 18 holes a day. Grow up, people.

  2. Announcing a sex tape cheat code for Tiger Woods Golf 2011 has to be a bit on the surprising side.

  3. When he walked into the news conference, there was dead silence, except for the muffled sound of "swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh…"

  4. Nike announces that it is seriously re-considering the JUST DO IT slogan…

    • Maybe an asterisk is all they need. To wit:

      JUST DO IT*

      (* unless, of course, you are married to a blazing hot woman, have kids and the majority of your income depends on a carefuly crafted public image that includes said blazing hot wife and kids. In which case, you may wish to take a more considered approach to "doing it". Just sayin'.)

    • The new slogan …. "Just do it … then apologize and just do it again"

  5. New Slogan: "We're pretty sure he has…."

  6. I'm disappointed at his lack of French in his statement. He'll be glad he wasn't in Canada.

    • I can't believe someone like you represented Canada abroad. You must have had the hayseed surgically removed.

      • It was meant to be humuous. Does this indicate that Canadians are so up tight they can't recognize humour?

        I happen to believe that there was not enough French in the Opening Ceremony but also think the whole thing was blown way out of proportion.

        • Well, quite right. I sincerely apologise. Glad that realists like yourself have represented Canada abroad.

          In fact, come to think of it, don't you find our international reputation as somewhat overly temperate folk to be totally at odds with the domestic political reality? Everything domestic seems to be a crisis, an earthquake, an occasion for vitriol and shouted speeches from the rostrum; yet we get termed "bland"! Or is that because we don't have AK's in our trunks and don't throw our military weight around internationally — and that makes no allowance for non-violent vehemence?

          • I think it is because you read political news blogs.

          • Granted, but this is the only kind of public political conversation that exists. I suppose there are demure, judicious, consensus-building think-ins happening at Starbuckses across this great nation, but they're private. (Obviously the MSM TV panels, ministers' speeches, and House of Commons grandstanding don't count, since those exist only to subconsciously influence apolitical people, i.e most voters.)

  7. Hello Tiger?!, and Tiger image consultants!…. Why no Blue Cardigan? What about the Olympic and Haitian photo-op? I know its been done before but its a formula that works!

  8. The whole thing had the atmosphere of a funeral, with Tiger reading his own eulogy. It is the big jacket that makes his head look smaller. Possibly deliberate to make him look meeker and more humble. Oh yes sir, ever so umble!

  9. His mom's face was really sad, she must feel so bad !

    I wish him well, and I have always believed that actions speak louder than words, hopefully he will make it right for his family and himself.

  10. I thought the event would be an announcement of when he would return to golf. What a waste of time. The press have it right, he's as selfish as ever, having this announcement today while one of the big tournaments was running was selfish.

    And that's where he lost me. Pre-planned public Mom hugging for sympathy-based purposes?! Right after that passionate declaration about keeping his wife and kids out of the spotlight and LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!!

    I agree, what a crock, it's just another staged event. He's not done himself any favours with this.

  11. "when Tiger abruptly started talking about his renewed commitment to Buddhism. "

    Yep, because nothing helps you maintain your world #1 golf ranking like rejecting desire.

  12. What a bunch of lying baloney … is tiger returning to golf really anything to do with returning to his buddhist roots. What a giant scumbag ahole. This is why the rich should have to pay very progressive taxes … there is no other way to make up for the constant negative effects and abuses of these idiots on the country, the economy and society. If these kinds of people had to pay the taxes they owed all along we would not even have a deficit.

    -Bruce

    • This is why the rich should have to pay very progressive taxes …

      So they can nail blonde cocktail waitresses by the dozen? Be careful, youre about to motivate a whole new class of capitalists!

  13. "I would like to take this opportunity to announce my return to sex. I look forward to once again earning your respect as the greatest fornicator on the planet."

Sign in to comment.