Memo from The Prime Minister of Canada
I’m pandering, okay? Pandering to seniors. To women. Pandering to any group that might be able to put me over the top next time. As you all saw in the Throne Speech, I’ve given up any pretense of ideological purity, cohesive thinking or brevity.
That’s what motivated the anthem thing. But there’s a problem. Once you start fiddling with this damn song, you see how its words can be perceived to offend others: Immigrants, agnostics, atheists, pacifists, paraplegics, people who think “True patriot love” sounds kind of swishy (ie. Kenney), etc. etc.
What I need is a national anthem that doesn’t offend anybody. I’ve been up all night. Here’s what I came up with. Looking for suggestions…
Country called Canada
Place where we live
Above the USA
Ten provinces, three more up north, known as territories
Our top export, in fiscal terms, is oil not manatees
Let’s keep this land
Zombie-less and nice
O Canada, we legally reside within your internationally recognized borders [Note: we’ll need to sing faster here]
O Canada, although in fairness our claims in the Arctic remain the subject of ongoing circumpolar dispute!
I know, I know – it’s not going to fly with the walking undead. But I guess you can’t please everyone.