My six most favouritist parts from the Steve Guttenberg profile we talked about yesterday:
1. The Goot is outraged not that actors are given preferential treatment in restaurants, nor that he himself continued to get such preferential treatment despite not having had a hit movie since Zac Efron was a tedious gleam annoying everyone who looked in his mother’s eye. No, the Goot is outraged that restaurant staff once gave priority to Tom Cruise – who ranks among the most successful actors on the face of the planet – over him, The Goot, the star of such TV movies as Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus and Meet the Santas. That’s like giving preference to Mariah Carey over Charo, man.
2. The Goot describes his career as a “32-year overnight success.” In fact, his career is better described as a four-year overnight success, followed by six years of success, followed by a 22-year nap.
3. This paragraph: “I’ve tried to stay fit, you know, because it’s my instrument, this is my violin,” he said, gesturing over his body. “I play the violin. So I want to keep it tuned up…. So I work out there during the day, and then I write.”
This paragraph has it all. There’s the whole violin comparison, which is pretty entertaining on its own, as though Don Ameche is going to rise from the dead to make Cocoon: The Zombie Years and The Goot will have to peel off his shirt again to play the boat captain. And then just when you drop your guard and start wondering how long he plans to work the instrument-violin-tuned-up metaphor – bam! – he hits you with… “and then I write.” The Goot writes! Attention studios: three words – Police Academy prequels. Or Maybe Cocoon: The Zombie Years actually exists.
Zombie Don Ameche: Aaaarrrrrrrr! Want. Flesh.
The Goot: Stay away! Stay away from my finely tuned pectorals and meticulously honed triceps!
Zombie Don Ameche: Aaaarrrrrrrr! Have you been working out?
4. He’s working on a play, two scripts and a book about his first 10 years in Hollywood. Tentative title: “Diary of a Seducer.”
He’s also working on a book about his second 10 years in Hollywood. Tentative title: “Ring, Goddamn Telephone! Why Won’t You Ring??”
5. “In L.A., I think about what I don’t have,” he told me. “In New York, I think about what I do have. And I’m really tired of comparing myself to Tom Cruise.”
I’m not sure how this could make him tired – it’s such easy work. All you have to do is put the word “not” in front of what Tom Cruise is. Tom Cruise: “Fawned over in restaurants.” The Goot: “Not fawned over…”
6. “I go in spurts,” he said. Upcoming Goot pictures include Mojave Phone Booth, about a phone booth in the middle of the desert, and Major Movie Star, in which he plays Jessica Simpson’s dad. “I guess that’s just an artist’s life,” he said.
The Goot uses this term a lot – artist. He’s an artist. “I paint when I want to paint,” he says. He’s just like Picasso, in that Picasso was also a really shitty actor.
That said, Goot: is there any way you could swing it so that Jessica Simpson winds up stuck in that phone booth in middle of the desert?