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Super genius Stephen Harper is, as always, thinking eight moves ahead. I’ll prove it.


 

Move 1 – Propose elimination of subsidy that federal parties rely on for bulk of funding. Infuriate opposition. Spark backlash. Stroke chin knowingly – Master Plan K4357/BB7 is in effect.

Move 2 – Opposition parties will oppose measure. Government will lose confidence of House. Governor-General will ask Leader of Opposition if he can form government. Stephane Dion will become Prime Minister. Excellent. Dance, puppets – dance!

Move 3 – Move back to Stornoway, which is exactly where the treasure map has been all along! Retrieve map from behind loose stone in fireplace. Rub hands gleefully at inability of political rivals to think even three steps ahead. Fools.

Move 4 – Use treasure to buy Ark of Covenant.

Move 5 – Stop at Starbucks. Order the kids’ hot chocolate. If barista takes note of adulthood and seems skeptical, casually say kid is waiting in backseat of car. Chuckle with sinister delight at own brilliance – a kids’ hot chocolate is the same size but cheaper than a regular small hot chocolate! Return to car. Tell daughter in backseat of genius. (Don’t share hot chocolate with her – it’s not very big.)

Move 6 – Play Scrabble while reflecting on fact that own tactical intelligence is so advanced that two consecutive moves in eight-move Master Plan can be wasted in this manner.

Move 7 – Show up for Question Period. Open Ark of Covenant. Keep eyes closed (important). Rival politicians and – bonus – all Nazis in area have faces melt, shrivel or explode with varying degrees of graphic realism.

Move 8 – Governor-General, citing shriveled/melted/exploded head provisions in BNA Act (unreferenced since 1936 Mackenzie King “unpleasantness”), will invite a certain Stephen Joseph Harper to form a majority government. Pause evil cackling long enough to say yes.


 

Super genius Stephen Harper is, as always, thinking eight moves ahead. I’ll prove it.

  1. Hilarious. I’m sending this to some friends…

  2. I thought his middle name was Joseph?

  3. Fixed. Thanks.

    I’ll assume every other element in the entry seemed completely factual to you.

  4. Who is Stephen George Harper? Or is this a joke that I just don’t get? Because that always happens and I’m getting really sick of it.

  5. It seemed plausible to me…

  6. Actually, a few members of the governing party might find themselves with their face melted as well…

  7. Scott – CSIS is at the door, they want to talk to you.

  8. The title brings to mind a certain cartoon carnivore who may share much in common with our fearless Prime Minister…. “Wile E. Coyote – Suuuuuper Geeeenius!!!!!!!”

  9. I could totally take Harper at Scrabble.

  10. Sorry – don’t buy Harper’s of the Lost Ark theme Scott!

    Try the Stefano Da Vinci’s Code’s for How the Opus Dei take off the sweater and flay themselves with a lash made from the hair of Helena Guergis!

  11. Where is the reference to Paris Hilton? This canna be an authentic Feschuck column, it lacks references to American pop culture! And no reference to Rove, or Bush? I think your buddy Reid faxed this one in for you while you were out on a jag, yes?

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