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the films of cannes so far as I gather by only kind of paying attention during the festival


 

Despair and Isolation – Several orphans struggle to comprehend the human condition in a cruel world where the only constants are heartbreak and suffering. Running time: six hours.

Isolation, Despair and Also Anguish – Several thinner orphans struggle to comprehend the human condition while wheezing in a slightly crueler world where the only constants are heartbreak, suffering and their leprosy (the skin kind and the social kind). Running time: six hours.

Despair, Anguish, Further Anguish and a Shaky Handheld Camera – Several orphans struggle to comprehend the human condition but without going outside because the film’s budget is only $9. Running time: 140 hours (couldn’t afford fancy “editing” machine).

Farewell My Sphincter – A precocious Albanian tomboy rebels against society’s dated classist strictures regarding the public soiling of one’s trousers. Running time: six hours.

Out of Focus – The title references the profound disconnect of modern youth from the crass materialistic pursuits of their parents. It also references the fact that the film is out of focus. Running time: four days and still going strong…

A Polish Dock Worker Stares Out the Window of a Decrepit City Bus – A Polish dock worker stares out the window of a decrepit city bus. Running time: six hours.

Cobwebs Upon My Loins – A middle-aged French woman embarks on a journey of sexual awakening but then turns around and goes home to her sexless marriage when she sees how many other middle-aged French women are waiting in line outside the sexual awakening place. Running time: six hours.

Kung Fu Panda – A orphaned panda struggles to comprehend the panda condition in a cruel world where animated films star Jack Black. Running time: four months if you add together all the times we’ve been forced to sit through the goddamn trailer.


 

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