The first rule of Sovereignty Club?

As the April 7 election approaches, here’s a helpful FAQ for Parti Québécois candidates.

Should I talk about sovereignty during my campaign?

Of course! The pursuit of Quebec’s full sovereignty is our raison d’être (in English, our “reason of etre”) as a party. To downplay the goal of sovereignty would be a fundamental betrayal of our core beliefs.

Hang on—according to the latest polls, seven out of 10 Quebecers now want to hear less about sovereignty. Should I keep talking about it?

Ix-nay on the onesty-hay! The first rule of Sovereignty Club is: the name of the club has to be printed twice as big in French on the sign. The second rule of Sovereignty Club is: don’t talk about Sovereignty Club—unless the English is too big on the sign, in which case definitely bring it up.

Our point is this: we need to find a better word to market our desire to achieve independence. “Separation” didn’t work—too abrupt and definitive. “Sovereignty” is vague, but even that hasn’t been enough to get a majority of Quebecers on board. Clearly, our next move should be to hold a referendum asking the people of Quebec to officially change their relationship with Canada to: “besties.” Or, failing that: “bestie association.”

What else does the PQ stand for?

We’re going to be frank: this party doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. We’ve got people on the far left and the far right. We’ll take pretty much anyone, so long as they line up behind our one guiding principle: traditionally attired Muslim ladies freak us out.

What’s the most effective way to respond to claims that sovereignty would bring dire economic consequences?

Sure, homes will lose value, businesses will flee and jobs will be lost. Government revenues will decline even as expenses rise, setting off a debt crisis that may cripple Quebec for generations to come. But on the other hand, we get to choose a national bird!

Um, is there a better argument? Those who claim Quebec will prosper on its own are accused of “living in an imaginary world.”

And what’s wrong with that? Imaginary worlds are awesome. Some of these worlds have flying cars and robot butlers! Others have Wookiee sidekicks! Narnia is imaginary and it has a talking lion. What country wouldn’t want a talking lion?? Yes, you make a very interesting point, Mr. Putin, but [licks paw] I for one would make the counter-argument that [stalks and kills a gazelle] . . . All we’re saying is: vote “Yes” on Quebec sovereignty and consider the crisis in Crimea RESOLVED.

How can we trust Pierre Karl Péladeau when his company, Quebecor, owns the rabidly pro-Canadian Sun News Network?

In creating Sun News, Péladeau ensured that its highest-profile personality would be Ezra Levant. Therefore, few have done more than Pierre Péladeau to foster a desire to immediately leave Canada.

What about claims that Péladeau has put himself in a conflict of interest?

Nonsense. Péladeau is placing his Quebecor shares in a blind trust. Yes, he will still own the shares. Yes, he will still benefit financially from his company’s performance. But at no point will he be able to physically see his shares, or caress them, or even light a cigar with them. Unless he asks to, in which case we can probably make that happen.

What’s the best way to bring up the Quebec Charter of Values?

As you go door to door, it’s important to subtly gauge each voter’s sentiment toward the document. Begin with casual small talk along the lines of, “So, how about those Jews?” See where it takes the conversation. As Pauline Marois put it: “We are one of the most tolerant and open people on the planet.” Unless you wear, like, a turban or something, in which case: dealbreaker.

What about accusations that our party is intolerant toward minorities?

Let us quote Marois again: “The Parti Québécois is not an anti-Semitic party.” Now, sure—on one hand, you may be thinking to yourself: a leader wouldn’t have to say things like that unless her party is routinely being accused of anti-Semitism. But on the other hand, that’s a pretty Jew way of thinking.

Wait, wasn’t that remark itself kind of anti-Semitic?

“The Parti Québécois is not an anti-Semitic party.”—Pauline Marois